FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 204, 28 December 1871, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

A pair of tighta— two drunkards. Inn-debtedness — a hotel bill. A waist 5f time— a stout old lady's.

A swell among flowers —a dandelion. — Heavy charge of the Light Brigade— gas bills. Fishes out of water — Muscles in a lady's neck.

When is iron the most ironical? When it's a railing. A New York lady says the latest thing out is — her husband.

When does a man impose on himself 1 When he taxes his system. " Fs there a single thing that the Democratic party ever held to thivt they haven't departed from 1 " asked a republican orator in Marietta, Ohio, the other day. " Yea, whiskey," answered a voice in the crowd.

Texas has a new game in cards — onp holds a revolver, the other holds the cards. A coroner holds the inquest.

A friend of mine had his watch stolen. Thief, suspected of being a certain Scotchman, omitted to take the chain. Good eviderc for the Scot to my mind.

A little boy in a Bronklyn Sundayschool was asked lately which was the most beautiful verse in the Bible. After some hesitation he replied, blushingly, "If any man pulls down the American flag shoot him on the spot. " " What is the size of this place 1 " gravely asked of a youn>,' New Yorker of the conducter, just af lev the brakeman had sung out O-pel-ika at a Southern station, where not a house was visible among the pines except a rambling shed caFed an "eating saloon." It's about as big as New York ; " but it isn't built up yet." " I heard it ! " " Who told you ? " 11 Her friend." " You don't sny ? " " 'Tis dreadful ! " " Yes, awful ! " "Don't tell it, I pray!" " Good gracious ! " " Who'd think it ! " "Well, well, well ! " " Dear, dear me ! " v I have my suspicions ! " " And I, too- you see ! " " Lord help us ! " " Poor creature ! " "So artful ! " "So sly ! " "No beauty ! " " Qnite thirty J " "Between you and I !*'

" I'm going ! " "Do stay, love ? " " I can't " " I'm forlorn ! " "Faiewell, clear ! " " Good-bye, sweet ! " % 'JTi>t glad she is gone \ "

Many young men are so improvident that they cannot keep anything but late hours.

A little boy defines snoring as " letting off sleep." Huers of wood — House painters.

A Strict temperance man in Connecticut would uot let his horse drink out of a public trough, which had the word " bitters " painted upon it by some peripatetic advertising agent. A London writer hints that the Queen's condition is such that she is liable to die at any moment. That is precisely the condition of the rest of us.

In Germany a young couple have just married, after sixty years of courtship. This is very much like making a punch by chucking a lemon box into a dry whiskey barrel and putting the two of them into an empty well. A sweetly pretty thought — It's impossible for celebrated actresses to live, to an old age, because those the gods love die young. "When must Rossini have been an enraged musician ? — When lie made the Stab-at Mater !

* Peopledo not often die in healthy Scotch villages — Only once. The "St. Louis Herald" wants "a real good boy to make a devil of." No wonder all the lawyers are so much alike. They pass their lives in " following suit." " A self-supporting wife " is one of the ■wants m an advertising column of a Western paper. Dramatic material ran so scant in a Western city that a brilliant genius dramatised the " Prodigal fton," and made the sensation turn on a bloody eneonnter between the Prodigal and the Swine for the husks.

An old bachelor recently gave the following toast :—": — " Woman — the morning star of infancy; the day star of manhood, tlie evening star of age. Bless our stars, and may we always be kept at telescope distance ! "

Suggestive — Boatman : "Ax yer parding, ladies, but I'm right out o'baccy ; ye ain't none on yer got e'er a screw o' baccy about yer?" — Damsels; "Tobacco ! No, of course we have not ! Whatever should make you think so 1 " — Boatman : '< Well, I didn't know but yer might have some about yer (a pause), leastways the price of a screw o' tape/,