FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 202, 14 December 1871, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

If you break your aj m don'c use a giu sling. . '"

What ought nlway3 to be up to the mark I— A. bullet:

The man that drew a long breath hrs taken an.utlu.i- ciuvtica in. the same lottery.

Out in Illinois they tar and feather widowers whj play at croq[U9t before the f jueral.

Tne " Doston Post. has an announcement of the death of se\ eral citizens "from throat disease superinduced by razors."

To protect the chest — Put a lock on

it. Cheap out of door breakfast — a roll on the gross. Wiieti is clarefc like a pig's tooth ?—? — When, ii is iv the h.<«g-heacl. I see you are on the watch," as the thief said to tho tjuard chain .

tic transit. — Thar, across the ocean,

]\]ott«> for Grocers. — Honest tea is the test policy. When is an encampment most likely to burn woll J — Whan the tents fire pitched.

What is the difference between Adam and Me A dam ? — The first caused our evil ways and the last mended 'em. The night editor of a daily paper wrote this headline to one of his cable dispatches if The British Lion shaking his Alaue." He was unalile to eat lm breakfast next morning when he found the printer's Vdrsi >n of the mater staring him it flufaca thus: "The British Liou skating in Maine "

Why is a woman's tongue like a planet / Because nothing short of the power that made it cm stop it in its course.

There is no medicine like a good joke— ifc 13 a silver-coated pill that frolic 3 and phyi!c3 on the run.

A laadin^ broker, being asked the other day how his child was, answered, almost in tears, " Very ill ; would not give lwo per cent, for his life."

In a Le^al Point of View : Life, we are told. is« a tii.il, but the 'worst "f it is there is n> G mrt of Appsil we can <*<> to in tlie event of our being dissatisfivd ■with the result of it. For myself I should like uncommonly to move fov a \iew trial. — 1 RIEFLLSS I ! ARfiISTrR.

Aa old wo nan iv Victoria who was lately convicted of steal ing 27 shillings from a sailor, stood weeping to receive her sentence ; when the Jud^e, Sir Redmond Barry, addressing her in his blandest manutr, said : " Dry your tears, madam, and go to gaol for IS months.

The rising generation '*age" rapidly. A mature spiciineo, eight years old, was liun'inpj around the police station for a stray father the other nit/ht. " Yon sea," he remarked, with, filial exultation, " the Guv'urii's a li tie wild ytt, but he'll grow out it."

A promising boy, hearing his father" talk a greit deal about Parliament, lately asked liim — "Father, how long dies J arliamenfc sit ?" " Four or five months, my boy," was the reply. ' What a lontr t.me ! why our geese only sit tive or six weeks," was the shrewd remark of the youth. "- Mother," said a sharp little boy, "is it wicked to say damn V " Certainly, my son — that would be swearing !" i: But is it wicked to say coffer-dam?" ' ' Oh, noj my son ; that is the name of an inunima f e oliject, like a house <>r a table." "■ Well, mother, "responded the young hopeful, "the old cow Ims got a potahie in her throat, anci 1 thought sh9 would coffer dam head off "

Aii arch boy having taken notice of his schoolmaster often reading a chapter in the Ourinthians wherein is this sentence, " We shall all be changed in the twinkling (i an eye," privately erased the letter Cm the word " changed." Th« next time his mas f er thus read if-, "We shall all be hanged in the twinkling of

an eye.

An N"ew Jersy editor has announced tlie death of his uncle in Australia, leavintj him a gtild -njine ajjd 400,000 dollars. His village contemporary professes to regard the matter as a plan cnnniriuly devised to obtain credit for a t)oatr of paper collars, am! a straw hat. ,

A Toledo, X)liip, druggist had his" name taken off a petiKon for street improvement when lie learned that the proposed unitevtakinsj. would improve -..the health of the neighbourhood.

l ° There --was an old family £«el between ■them," said the principal, witness -in a Chicago murder- case..' JVlie jn^ge asleep her'ifc-slie "did -not mean "feivl," and she replied. " I ooss this* story, ' old *v,ov. »» .". ' ...... .. r-i

Silly Suffolk (X) -PastorAis.-^-^ecipro-city.r— Paraon": " L»hUEfi.:misi!?ed you from your -pew o! - lute, — -J&f, — S^H^feig&— Farmer (Sapnjr>getio:illy>,: •?< yyetl, $jr. 111 1 hey' been to meefcV lately, , y'see,^ sir, the "ReveTenfl ivir. Scowles" o'JjhcT Ciiapel, the b^ugli^ Bkrf^jj»€ffi- J o ? »m'e,iaß<i' I thon 'M J Qtfatrr,. t^grVm a, tarn !" J An o] i d" I HacHsl«3 ; ' v lisrrit.PT £has\ in his 'spafe,- <Vp*- moonlight ' jiigb*-!.-. /'"Wasisf fc:#«n;-<*wuct"am at-ari^ "'J6&M a £t ni'j;lit ? ,.aiid on ojir lyay home. v?e -»!».\v ayjo'iinwi^yjinfl gentleman hoWih's a gate'on its 4riiige3. They were s evidently j indignant afc bern? 'keptpont so-late, 4 -as vr% mvs th<& liite/'eaEga'rirthJer'fieyßral