FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 201, 7 December 1871, Page 7

FACETIAE.

" Why did he not die ?" is the title of a new novel. — Answer — Because he refused to take his medicine. A young lady went into a music store •and asked- the clerk if he had "Loving Eyes." JETe replied, " I'm told so by the girls." A short time since two fashionable Gerniaii young ladies were holding high converse over the virtues of a certain new dress. "And does it lit well?" asked one. "Pit as if I had been melted and poured in." A schoolboy was directed, as an exercise, to write an essay on the horse. He did- so and said : " The horse is an animal having four legs, one at each corner." " Patty," a lady called to a little girl who was in/t he parlour, "did you tell your mother that I was here?" "Yes," replied Patty, demurely. "And what - did she say ?" " She said, 'Oh ! that dreadful woman again ! ' " ■»- A druggist in New Hampshire threatens ' the local paper with a suit for putting an "i " instead of an "a" in his advertisement of grape pills. A country editor, whose subscribers complained very loudly that he did not give them news enough for their money, told them that, if they did not find enough in the paper, they had better read the Bible, which^ lie hsftl no doubt would be news to most of them. A Paris lady abruptly entered her kitchen the other day, and saw the cook skimming the soup with a silver spoon. She said to her, " Fianooise, 1 expressly forbade^ you to use the silver in the kitchen." " But, ma'am, the spoon was ' dirty." A quarrelsome couple were discussing the subject of epitaphs and tombstones, and the husband said, "My dear, what j kind of a stone do you 'suppose they will give me when I die V " Brimstone, my love," was the affectionate reply. A New York mechanician says, " I once invented a shaving machine to go by horse-power. When it was completed, I sat six men in the chairs, adjusted the belt, arid drove up. It was tlie cleanest ' shave that any one ever got. While it worked well enough, those men were obliged ■to complain very much of the loss of ears, noses, and eyebrows. People got to looking on it with disfavour, and I was obliged to turn it into a sausagecutter." A lover has been pithily described as a man who, in his anxiety to get possession of another, has lost possession of himself. A little boy, disputing with his sister recently, exclaimed, "Tt's true, for ma says so ; aad if ma says so, it is so, if it ain't so." A good deal of the consolation offered in this world ia about as solacing as. the assurance of the man to his wife when she fe*U into the river, "You'll find ground at the bottom, my dear." A Nash.ua gentleman said to an old lady who had brought up a family of children near the river, " I should think you Tvould have lived in constant fear that some of them would have been drmvneoL" " Oh, no," responded the old lady, "we only lost three or four that way." " Mick," said a bricklayer to a laborer, " if you meet Patrick, tell him to make haste, as we're waiting foi" him." — " Shiu-e an' I will," replied Mick ; " but what will I tell him if I don't meet him !" Girls " Parsed" : " Girls " is a parti- j cular noun, of the lovely gender, lively person, and double number, kissing mood, in the immediate tense, and in the expectation case to matrimony, according to the general rule. Why does a clergyman have more wives than any one else? Because he often marries a couple at a time. A quaint gentleman in Maine once called 'on President Lincoln. He had shaken hands with Mm, observing, "Don't be scared Mr. Lincoln, I do not want an office." "Is that so V said the President, " then give us another shake." Somebody asserts "that admission fees are to be charged at fashionable weddings hereafter. Imagine big fence posters : "Grandest nuptial; j)f the season. The lovely to the " manly . Several novelties never before presented. New music, new dresses^ new properties. Tickets, 1 doL ; reserved seats (middle aisle),' 50 cents; extra. — N.B. : All persons occupying reserved seats are assured that their full names will" be mentioned in the society papers." — American Paper: iA love-sick- swain out West thus gave vent to his pent-up feelings in a serenade to his lady love :—: — " Oh/ Polly J poke your night-cap out And listen to my siglises ; My heart it beats & rub-a-dub, And my eyes — oh how they crieses ! Then liaste, dear Polly, hasted away — Day dawns, and time, it fliese9. The stars, are going out my. love, And the sua — oh &ee*it rises.""