THE GOVERNMENT CATECHISM.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 197, 9 November 1871, Page 7

THE GOVERNMENT CATECHISM.

The following lampoon on the Government has been published in Wellington : —

[A Catechism, that is to say an instruction, to be learned* of every person before he is brought to be confirmed a placeman or pensioner by the Minister, and notably by the editors and proprietors of all public prints which may aspire to the lofty and honourable positions of " Government organs, 1 ' such positions being known as the " fifth estate " of the realm.] Question. What is your name. Ansxoer. Lickspittle. Q. Who gave you this name ? A. My sureties to the Ministry in my political change, wherein I was made a member of- the majority, a hanger-on of Fox, and a parasite upon the Colony. Q. What did your sureties then promise for you ? A. They did promise for me that I should renounce honest men and all their works, the pomp and vanity of truth telling, and the heinous sin of independent writing — that I should believe all the articles of the Fox-cum-Yogel faith, and that I should obey the will of men in power all the days of my life.

Q. Dost thou not think that thou art bound to believe and to do as they have promised for thee ?

A. Yes, verily, and for my own sake so I will ; and I thank our Heavenborn Ministry for calling me to the state of elevation through my own flattery, cringing, .and lying; and I will also pray their successors (should the other side succeed to power) to give me their assistance, that I may, like the Vicar of Bray, continue in place to my life's end. Q. Eehearse the articles of thy belief.

A. I believe in Julius Yogel, the sublime apothecary, maker of bunkum mail contracts and impossible railways, and creator of everlasting national burdens. And in William Fox, his Premier, who was brought forth of the New Zealand Land Company, rose to power without any fair pretence, and who cleverly squandered three millions of money without benefiting the Colony a shilling ; who first suffered loss of place at the hands of Stafford, was execrated, politically dead and buried : who rose again out of the sea of Galilee, and by clever manipulation of the native difficulty contrived to possess himself once more of power, which, so far as he is allowed, he uses for the spread of teetotalism and the advancement of the township of Marton. And in Gisborne, and M'Lean, and-Sewell, who sit on the Treasury Benches afc the right hand of the. gushing talker, from whence they laugh at the petitions of the people, who pray for re-trenchment-and reform, so that their grievous burdens may be lightened, and the sweat of their brow may procure them their bread.

Q. What dost thou chiefly learn in these articles of thy belief ? A. First, to forswear all conscience, which was never meant to trouble me nor my tribe. Secondly, to swear black white, or white black, according to the good pleasure of Ministers. Thirdly, to encase myself in brazen impudence, the better to withstand the shafts of censure levelled at me by an indignant public. Q. You said that your sureties did promise for you that you should keep the Ministers' commandments ; tell me how many there be ? A. Ten.

Q. Which be they? A. The same which Fox always expects his creatures to obey. I the Premier am thy lord and liege; who brought thee out of want and beggary and put thee into a good billet. I. Thou shalt not have any other patron but me.

11. Thou shalt not support any measure but mine ; nor any Bill in its progress through the House above, or the House below, or the Committee under the House, except ifc be mine. Thou shalt not bow to Edward Stafford, no,r Thomas Gillies, nor shake hands with them, nor with any other of the " double-dyed scoundrels " who oppose me; for I thy patron am a spiteful and jealous Minister, cherishing animosity, even unto the third and fourth cousins of them that offend ni3; and giving pensions, places and thousands to them that divide with me, and keep my commandments. 111. Thou shalt not take the pension of thy Patron in vain, for I will hold him in disgrace that taketh my alms in vain. IV. Betnember that thou attend at Government Buildings on every day When thou art wanted, or likely to be ; be prompt at my beck and call to wait upon me ; thou, and whoever may be within thy influence ; for I will not hold t'aee guiltless if thou neglect to pay me proper deference. V. Honour the Governor, and the perfumed whiskers and natty leggings of the demilitarised Constabulary, who keep watch afe his gate, that thy days may be long in the billet which the Minister thy patron has given thee. VI. Thou shalt not call the killing of a pakeha surveyor murder. VII. Thou shalt not call high-placed gallivanting, adultery. VIII." 3?hou shalfc not s^y that to rob the Public is $q steal. IX: - Thou §Q#lfe' bear false witness, agdinsi the PfQJse, ' >

~X. Thou sbalt not covet the People's applause, thou shalt not covet the People's praise, nor their good name, nor their esteem, nor their reverence, nor any reward that is theirs.

Q. What dost thouc hiefly learn by these commandments ?

A. I learn two things — my duty towards Ministers, and my duty towards myself. Q. What is thy duty towards Ministers ?

A. My duty towards Ministers is to trust them as much as I can ; to fear them ; to honour them with all my words, with all my bows; with all my scrapes, and all my cringes ; to flatter them ; to give them thanks ; to give up my whole soul to them, to idolise their names and obey their word, and serve them blindly all the days of their political lives.

Q. What is thy duty towards thyself?

A. My duty towards myself is to love nobody but myself, and to do ui\to most men Avhat I would not they should do unto me ; to sacrifice unto my own interest even my father and mother ; to pay little reverence to the Legislature, but to compensate that omission by my servility to all that are put in authority under it ; to lick the dust under the feet of my superiors, and to shake a rod of iron over the backs of those whom accident gives me power over ; to spare the people by neither word nor deed; to observe neither truth nor justice in my dealings with or writings of them, but to give my tongue to evil speaking and lying, and slander of their efforts to defend their liberties and recover their rights, and to do my duty in that department of public plunder unto which it shall please the Minister to call me. Q. How many tests hath Fox ordained ?

A. Two only, as generally necessary to elevation (that is to say) Passive obedience and Bribery.

Q. What meanest thou by this word Test?

A. I mean an outward visible sign of an inward intellectual meanness ordained by the Premier as a pledge to assure him thereof.

Q. How many parts are there in this Test ?

A. Two ; the outward visible sign and the intellectual meanness.

Q. What is the outward visible sign or form of passive obedience.

A. Dangling at a Minister's heels, whereby the person is degraded beneath the baseness of a slave, in the character of a pensioner, placeman, expectant, parasite or toad-eater. Q. What is the inward intellectual meanness ?

A Death unto freedom, a subjection unto perpetual thraldom ; for being by nature born free, and the children of independence, we are hereby made the children of slavery.

Q. What is required of persons submitting to the test of passive 'obedience?

j±. Apostacy, whereby they forsake liberty ; and faith, whereby they steadfastly believe the promises of the Minister, made to them upon submitting to that test.

Q. Why was the test of bribery ordained ?

A. For the continual support of the influence of Ministers, and the feeding of us, their needy creatures and sycophants.

Q. What is the outward part or sign in the test of bribery ?

A. Bank notes, which Ministers have commanded to be offered by their dependents.

Q. Why then are beggars submitted to this test, when by reason of their poverty they are not able to go through the necessary forms ?

A. Because they promise them by their sureties; which promises, when they come to lucrative offices, they themselves are bound to perform. Q. What is the inward part or thing signified ?

AThe industry and wealth of the people, which are verily and indeed taken and had by pensioners, loafers, and sinecurists, in their corruption. Q. What are the benefits whereof you are partakers thereby ? A. The weakening and impoverishing" the people through the loss of their liberty and property, while our wealth increases, and our pride becomes intolerable.

Q. What is required of them who submit to the test of bribery and corruption ?

A. To examine themselves whether they repent them truly of any signs of former honour and patriotism, steadfastly purposing henceforward to be faithful towards the Ministry ; to draw on and off like their gloves ! to cronch to them like spaniels ; to purvey for them like' jackals ; to be as supple to them as Main ; to have the most lively faith in the Government scheme — especially Otat^o railways j to believe the words of Fox and Yogel alone; to have remembrance of nothing which falls from the Opposition ; to hate Edward Stafford" the late Premier, and all the Richmond family, with all our heart, with all our mind, with all our soul, and with all our strength ; to admire the Superintendent of Otago, Yankee Driver, and Ormond of Napier, and to be iii charity with those only who have something to give.

[Sere endefli the Catechism.]

A company has been formed for the purpose of working a reef near the Siitton Stream (Straih Taieri), kridwn #s the Ricayoli,