FACETIAE,

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 197, 9 November 1871, Page 7

FACETIAE,

A notice of a peal — Lightning. Where there's a wlied there's a way. ' A Western Settler — The sun at evening. A Pitched Battle— A fight between two tars.

Dull-set Notes — Camp- meeting hymn ■tunes.

Is a jolly-boat ever helped along by four roars of laughter 1 An animal of " questionable" shape — The conundrumedary.

A student of theology describes a woman's original sphere to be the apple.

Rather Long — "A couple of Belgian giants," says a Yankee contemporary, "are now in the city for the purpose of exhibition. They are so long that it take* two days to exhibit them." Why is a cab-horse the most miserable of all created beings? Because his thoughts are ever on the rack, and his greatest joy is wo-e !

The town of Colaterworth, in Lincolnshire, rejoices in two, and only two medical practitioners — one named Priest and the other Heaven. •

Tun t, rau >t 6 ot Wood frnm a stone, but you can get money from a brick.

A Troy editor speaks of another as sufficiently well posted to edit a handbill. The other day, Molecule propounded the following to Atom : " A boy said to a gentleman, ' My father and mother have a daughter, but she is not my sister.' Now how do you explain that 1" Atom reflected in vain, and to his every sug--gestion received a negative reply, and was forced to give it up. " Why it's simple enough," said Molecule, with an exasperating smile, " the boy lied !"

Headings. — A Yankee paper publishes its announcements, under the headings of " Hatched," "Matched," "Patched," "Thatched," "Detached," and "Despatched," as an improvement on " Born," "Betrothed," "Married," "Eloped," " Divorced," and " Died."

"Thomas, I have always placed the greatest confidence in you. Now, tell me, Thomas, how is it that my butcher's bill is so large, and that I always have such bad dinners V " Really, sir, I don't know ; for I am sure we never have anything nice in the kitchen that we don't send some of it up in the parlour." Her Only Shake. — Some doctors leave no stone unturned to cure a patient. One gave a woman fourteen kinds of medicine to cure the chills. She has been cold ever since, but she hasn't shook a shake only when the hearse run ovw a stump on the way to the grave. The doctpr has moved away from there.

Lady Students of Anatomy. Some ladies thought to increase their beauty, when wearing low-necked dresses, by painting blue veins on the exposed skin, but were disgusted at the remark of a physician, who looked at them closely, that they hadn't got those veins painted within four inches of where they should be naturally.

A Slight Error. — A. nice young man kept looking in at the window of a married lady at a lodging-house until he saw her shake a handkerchief, when he called at her room. After being picked up at the bottom of the stairs, and having his hones set, it was explained that she was only shaking some apple peelings from a serviette. Her husband says she did perfectly right in hitting the visitor with the water-jug.

Can any reaspnable doubt be sustained of the stability of a bank whose directors always show a great reserve when, {questioned about its affairs ?

• The question, does getting drunk ever advance one's happiness ? would seem to put to rest by the Irishman who went courting . when drunk, and was asked what pleasure he found in whisky, " Oh, Biddy, it's a trate entirely to see two of your swate purty faces instead of one."

Elder Knapp, the revivalist, was actively engaged in a revival of religion down in Arkansas ; he called out in a loud voice : " Does anyone know any reason why this man should not be baptised 1" and to his surprise a long specimen of an Arkansas traveller shouted in response : "See here Mister Preacher, I don't want to interfere in that ere business of yours, but if you expect to get the sins all out ai that old cuss you. will, have to anchor jbjun out in the rjyer over night."