F A C E T I Æ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 188, 14 September 1871, Page 7

F A C E T I Æ.

When are newspapers like turnips 1 When they are Hoed.

What sort of a day would ba good for gunning for a cup ?— A muggy day.

Mark Twain says that since his maryiage he feels more twain than ever

There is an old lady living less than fifty miles from this city who firmly beJLeves more men marry than women. A Pennsylvania Dutchman committed #ui«ide last week for the avowed purpose of dunning a defunct debtor in the other

A poet says : " Oh ! she was fair, but sorrow came and left its traces there." What became of the remainder of the jharneas he does nob state.

Aft Illinois candidate denounces the Administration for " taking the tax off pianers, wot we don't use, and keepin' it on whisky, wot we do."

What reason ftave we to suppose that beer was made in the ark ? The kangaroo ■was seen to go in wjth hops, and the bear was always bruin.

•A little Buffalo girl wants to know if fleas are white, because "her uncle tnld her Hhstii " Mary tad a little ia.nib with. ileaß aa white as enow i w A Cincinnati child tied crape on the door-knob to see if the carriage would come to take them out riding, as they did a family across the street. One of the sufferers by a late railway accident was rushing wildly about, when some one asked him if 'he was hurt. "No," he said, { 'but I can't find my umbrella."

Mamma : "Ah ! you cruel, cruel boy, how could you frighten your dear little gister so ?" Incorrigible : " I — T only wanted . to see if her hajr would turn white."

A physician says of a rival that " he is such an ignoramus that, if he could take a lantern and go down inside his patient, he couldn't find out what the matter was."

An old lady who was very much troubled by the prospect of the introduction of gas in her village, asked with much earnestness, " What on earth is to become of the poor whales 1" A person who advertises in a morning paper for a clerk, holds out this inducement: — "A small salary will be. given, bvit he will have enough of overwork to makeup the deficiency." It is believed that the war in Europe is simply a bargain between King "William and Napoleon io swap populations, by getting all the Germans into France and all the Frenchmen into Germany.

In Chicago the inexorable decrees of fashion make it imperative on dogs of good family- to wear black and red promenade blankets, and to have the leading string attached to the }oit side of the collar. " Arthur," said a good-natured father to his young hopeful, '* I did not know Until to-day that you hq,d been whipped last week." " Didn't you, pa V replied the hopeful ; "I knew it well at the