FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 187, 7 September 1871, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

The la+est invention for funerals is a coffin which folds down so as to resemble a sofa.

Military definition of a kiss — A report at head-quarters. The naval definition — Pleasure smack.

Alas ! a lass is what the unmarried men of Wyoming" sigh for, but the lasses won't go out there.

Mrs. Boffin is still much troubled to know why gold shouldn't be discovered iv pints as well as quartz.

What's the difference between my mother's brother and my mother's sister ? One's my uncle arid the other arn't (aunt.)

" Father, won't yon buy me a fishingrod?" said a pious boy. " You know the Bible says, ' Spare the rod and spoil the child."'

Many powder their faces that their skin may seem white. It is as a poulterer flours an old hen, that it may pass for a tender chicken.

The town of Colsterworth, in Lincolnshire, rejoices in two, and only two medical practitioners — one named Priest and the other Heaven.

A New Orleans vagrant objects to sleeping in the station-houses of that city because they insult him by asking him to become a policeman.

A girl of twenty, at Alton, Til., is digging a well for her father at seventy-five cents, a foot. She has received three offers of marriage since she began. A beer-seller wrote over his door, " Bear sold here." An old toper, who saw it, said it was spelb right enough, because the fluid he sold was his own •"broin."

■^ Loss, of a China packet-ship!" exclaimed, a literal-minded old lady as she had down a newspaper. "1 should -think so, when even iron ones are not always safe I"

A man died at St. Louis recently, and in his will, after stating, that he "never forgot a favour," left 1000 dollars to an individual who, ten years before, ran away with his wife.

'A leading lecturer classifies his audience as follows : — The " still-attentives," the " quick-responsives," the " hard-to-lifts," *&c " wont-applauds/ and the "*get-up-.and-go-out3."

Some sinner has stolen the thermometer from jthe "Fond dv Lac Reporter" office. That paper informs .the thief that it will I>B of no use to him ,whero he is going, as it does wt vojrfc JbigheT $i>sa