TITUS PUNCHEON'S TERRIBLE ADVENTURE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 186, 31 August 1871, Page 7

TITUS PUNCHEON'S TERRIBLE ADVENTURE.

By R. W. Thorn, Author of "The Epochs," "Retribution," &c.

It was in the cozy bar of the Queen's Head, on a stormy winter's night, that, addressing the guests assembled, Mr. Titus Puncheon, a retired commercial traveller, spoke in this wise:— Gentlemen, if I must relate my terrible adventure, I must, but believe me, the doing so will awaken harrowing recollections, open anew wounds the great surgeon Time has not succeeded in healing; and but no matter, " Lives there a man with soul so dead ? " — as the' Minstrel of the North has it— that he would not lay his present peace of mind on the altar of friendship at her sacred call ? I trust not. At the time my terrible adventure occured, I was in the commercial traveller line — a great line in those days. Then business was transacted by horses and gentlemen ; not by steam-engines and — mum's the word — it dosen't pay speaking ill of one's fellow-creatures. Besides, my son may be right when he says, as he often does, that old gentleman — " fogies "is his word (the irreverant dog) — are apt to entertain prejudices against the youthful go-a-head successors. Bab to my story. At precisely six o'clock, on a sultary autumn evening, in the year blank, I rode into the yard of the Crown Inn, Grogborough. Be it

known to all men,' that Grrogborough is a small market-town in a small county. It is celebrated, for some five miles into the country in every direction, for an "" cquistrian statue, which the inhabitants, during a prolongued fit of insanity, erected in the centre of the Market Square, immedi-, ately opposite the Crown — a hideous bronze figure, on a hideous bronze horse. I cannot favour you with the name of the infamous rider. lam not certain that anybody can, nor am I aware of the nature of the crime, whose commission doomed him to be pilloried in all weathers in the centre of the Grenborough Market Square. I think it exceedingly probable the fellow had been a famous highway robber. I felt a chill creep over me the first time I looked upon his face. Gentlemen, that sensation was a prophesy. Being the only traveller in the inn, I dined alone.

The pleasant business of dining having been satisfactorily transacted, I seated myself 'at a window which offered a view of Market square ; lit a cigar, and smoked silent defiance at the mounted vagabond, wrapped for a moment in a mantle of glory by the setting sun, But even the suu could do nothing in a permanent way for such a character, so he gradually faded back into his native Ethiopian hue. With the last gleam of yellow radiance, I perceived that a tall ladder leant against the steed, and I concluded that some hired philanthropist, of the order painter, had been endeavouring to improve its condition, and the condition of its rider. I am a charitable man, but I trust the reward of that painter's endeavour was a broken well, let that pass ; we have much to endure in this wicked world. As I was risiug to leave the window, I felt a thrill of joy which even the .statue could not blight; I saw my dear friend Dick Calico ride into the inn yard. Ten minutes later he was in the room.

"Welcome, old fellow!" I cried from amid the gathering gloom.

"Titus Puncheon, by Jupiter!" cried Dick, in his old hearty way. Then there was a clasping of bauds, that kind of clasping of hands which is possible only between beings having souls, and heartp, and brains — men, in fact. The touch of certain hands — bah ! I would liefer shake the tail of a,n eel. '■Well, this is jolly," quoth Dick. Then I told Dick that I expected Mrs. Puncheon in another hour, and how delighted she would be to see him. Dick expressed his boundless delight. Then I told him I expected her brother and sister to accompany her.

Agaiu Dick expressed his delight, but, as was fitting, toned down the expression a degree or two. Then I told Dick that brother ani sister exulted in the name of Frippet.

" Frippet? O Jupiter ! " cried Dick, smiting his leg ferociously.

When, lie grew somewhat calmer, he iolcl mo i\\&b a£ <;Kree o'clock ttmt afternoon In passed a post chaise, lying on its side, and grievously ill of a broken wheel, that he was informed a gentleman and lady of the name of Frippet, ' with another lady, name unknown, all uninjured, had bestowed themselves upon the neighbouring roadside inn, and meant to resume their journey by, the High Flier fast coach in the morniug.

When he had finished his story, Dick cried with a touch of natural exultation in his tones,

"No Mrs. ( Puncheon, no Frippets to-nisrht, Titus." " No, Dick," I said, with a "melancholy shake of the head.

The kind-hearted fellow was touched to the quick by his friend's voiceless sorrow.

"'Titus," said he. " Well, Dick," said I. " Let us make a night of it," said he. " Amen," said I, gloomily. We made a night of it. : For months afterwards I had a dim recollection of a waiter saying, with

much .unnecessary excitement of manner, " Two o'clock, gentlemen," and of Dick, standing in a grand, though somewhat theatrical attitude, evclaiming, " G-et thee to Coventry, fellow." .

Thereupon, three hundred waiters, with their heads on fire, rushed into room, carrying a pair of carpetted stairs, a cool bed-chamber, and — oblivion. Presently, there came a "state of exceedingly vivid consciousness. Then I pictured to myself my pintle Emily, the wife of my bosom, left in a lonely road-side inn to the tender mercies of the Frippets.

I think it is our duty when we have no good to say of individuals to remain silent — certainly not a hard precept for a sensible man to observe. I have observed it through life, and I trust I do not violate its spirit when I say among friends the Frippets are, and always wero (remember, I mean the brother and sister only) detestable people. Starched, precise, elevating of the eyebrows, sighing, subdued, low-spoken, pharisaical, hum — hush, Titus Puncheon ! are not you a living example of social charity to all men ?

At length the idea of Mrs. Puncheon being left alone with these people became insupportable. Then came the thought — Why not ndo out of the inn and protect her ? That thought took possession of me. In an incredibly short time I had reached the stable, saddled my horse, and was thundering along the road under a flying moon and galloping stars, at a tremendous pace. Suddenly the road melted on a broad blasted moor. The lpoon and stars vanished. An impenetrable darkness descending, pressed like a nightmare upon me. Then I saw a stream of preternaturaily bright light flowing far into the moor. An instant of winged speed brought horse and man into the centre. By St. George, an inn! hurrah. The light poured from a great window. Seen by it, the inn, truth to say, was a strange-looking" structure — colossal, fantastic, ruinous. No matter, it was an inn. "Any port in a storm," is a terse, wise sentence, penned, 1 think, by that famous ancient author of many things — Necessity. " Ostler," I shouted. " The dead can hear," muttered a hollow voice at my elbow._ A something as impalpable and as cold as the north wind passed me as I was dismounting, aud instantly I felt that my horse was held in an iron grasp; but, though standing in the middle of a glare of light, I could see no one. " Ostler," said I, " how long have you held your present situation ?"

" Seveu centuries," groaned the voice. " Seven years, you mean," said I. " Seven centuries,' was the reply, groaned forth more heavily.

" And, pray,"""snid 1, " how long may tin's establishment have been open ?"

" Over six thousand years," said the voice, with a disjgree-a'de chuckle.

Disdaining to hold any further con-vei-sation with such an immeasurable liar, I strode into t>he inn. I found that I was into the tap-room — an oblongapartment of marvellous length, and strangely garnished. I saw, by the light of a tremendous fire blazing at its upper end, that along the walls were ranged every instrument with which crime had been perpetrated since the establishment was opened. There was only one person in the apartment, a colossal man, who, sitting before the fire, darkened the centre of the room, and threw the glare of the fire along the walls and up to the roof, intensified as if cast from a polished metallic surface. I knew this person to be the landlord, and I had an uncomfortable conviction that he was a disreputable acquaintance of mine. T determined to give him the cold shoulder. " House !" I cried. i A roll, as of distant thunder, blended with suppressed moans, was the only reply. The colossal man moved not and spoke not,

I did not care to shout a second time, so I strode up the apparently interminable length of the apartment. As 1 approach the fire, I saw that the landlord had fallen into a troubled sleep. I knew it was a troubled sleep, because, momentarily, an awful silent agony convulsed his mighty form. He was seated in a chair that had the appearance of having been a throne at some distant period, but the glory of its gliding bad dopavtud. The avkiele hoi-e evidence of hiving been frightfully knocked about, yet, as seen by the red light, it was posses.se of a rude kind- of magnificeuce still. As I before said, the proportions of the lanclloid were gigantic; his face was massive, but heavy ; his under jaw was as the jaw of a breast of prey; and his fore head was vilLinously low. His hair was stiff, black, and blanched — it might be singed at the ends. Mis complexion was sultry yellow glo>v. His huge armes were folded on his huge breatt, and I obs Tved that his fingernails emitted a bright metallic glare. His legs were stretched out till his feet were so near the fire as co be uncomfortable to look at, and I fancied — but it must have been only a faney — that his boots were red hot. Looking upon this strange personage with tfiat fye- pf charity, I immediately concluded that he was a vulgar, vagabond, of mean mental capacity, aud addicted to low vices. I must confess there were some traces of a better state still visibly lingering around him " But," reasoned I, .''although acquaintance with the

world may have exorcised a deteriorating influence on his character, there never could have been much good iv that fellow."

" In vain would'st thou ask to have thy name entered in the books of Lionel Brothers." My house gentlemen, I mentally ejeculatcd, nodding towards mine host. The wrench laughed in his sleep. I thought that I, too, would indulge iv forty winks. Why not? So I dozed off. Suddenly I was myself agaiu. From adown the apartment shivered up a hurried crowd of suppressed laughter. Instinctively I glanced round. The lately silent apartment was croweded with guests, each- quailing from a pot, which he held in his left hand, an unknown liquor, that hissed, and seethed and bubbled ; while in his right hand he brandished one of the many weapons that lately garnished the wall. I turned to look on the landlord. He was wide awake, and glaring upon, me, with eyes tliat would have taken the conceit out of the eye of a furnace seven times heated.

" Hallo, Titus !" cried he, " come at last ? " The unnecessary familiarity, not to say impertinence, of this address stirred mv English blood, so stretching my light foot out, and pushing my head i'orwurcl, I said, blandly, " who in the fieud,s name are you ? " "Jupiter!" The roar of laughter that poured from out the monster's throat! It made the building shake as a loose window -frame shakes on a stormy night. And the terrible laughter that moaned up from the crowd of guests. I glanced sideways clown the room, and observed that one white faccd-fellowwas taking ad vantage of the momentary excitement, and surreptitioulsy draining his neighbour's pot; and that, in the dark line caused by the figure of the landlord, another was attempting to str.mgle somebody who had fallen asleep in an unfortunate season. Much in the fashion that a mountain might be supposed to settle itself after an earthquake, the man of the house settled gradually mlo what he meant to be a state of dignified composure. Then ho eried —

" The old story ! Never asked for my aid^ -But why revive a scandal as false as Well, well,"

Mine host had heard of it, and took a mean advantage of what he had heard. " Yon are a confounded old humbug," cried I. "* " Now, now," says he, "don't go to fly into a passion. Coaie, we will talk no more of business to-night. Any time witliin the next million or two ve.irs we can dettlo our trifling account. Let us drink.'

Before I could say Jack Tiobiuson, an invisible waiter had a measureless measure of steaming hot whisky punch under my nose. The old ra cal evidently knew my weakness — an iu'aerent weakness in human nature.

" Drink," said he, so softly, so invitingly, you would not have supposed butter could have malted in bis moufcli, as khe ancienta have it. And [ would have drunk, too, partly from a natural desire to drink, exasperated by excitement, and partly from the habits of gentlemanly courtesy for which I have always been distin jjui.shed. [ often say to my sou Philip — "Philip, there is sometimes more real greatness iv accepting favours than in refusing them." I was in the act of raising the measure to my lips, when my projecting elbow was lightly louchod. Lightly touched, I said, but, li jht as it was, that touch vibrated through bone and muscle, and marrow and brain, and mind, and awoke my slumbering soul, and it heard a voice low, but of such marvellous sweetness that it will never hear it again, until it hears the angels siugiug in the blessed 1 md. And the voice said, ' Fight or flee, but taste not ! " In an instant I had made my choire of alternatives. •

There sat the landlord, who, by this time, had lit a pipe, that must have weighed a hundredweight at least, smoking aud ginning ; his whole ugly face beiinj; mantled in visible self-con-ceit. Fking for a moment a look sublimely sleru upon the fellow's countenance, I cried, "To the foul fiend with you," and threw, as I spoke, the hot liquor full in his face.

St. George ! What a row enaued ! The terrible hiudlord, swelled by passion no douht into three times his former size, seized a column of flnme and tore up the rai«hty fire as you would tear up a sapling with all ifs roots, aud whirled it round his head, all its fibres coiling and quivering like blazing serpents. Then the horrid guests pressed forward, but, fortunately, they were now so multitudinous that they got jam lied against some invisible barrier and could not move, «o a line of "murderous faces glared upon me, aud a line of murderous weapons menaced me. In that terrible moment my native English pluck did not desert me. I was preparing to itand on the defensive, when a small- door opened behind me, and a voico I knew to be the voice of the Odtler whispered

— " Tais w.iy safety lies." Three backward steps, and the door closed with a bau^ bettveeu iue and tny ad^ersaricß. Ciicu I (\iFhc4 (vfter tV o^nlgr through darkness th'-it could be Felt ; then there stretched before me a glorious land, and on the summit of a high hill stood a noble steed.

" Mount and flee !" cried the vojuje of the diabolical ostler. I hesitated. From midway up ths flairs came the

roar of the landlord and his liberated quests. I hesitated no Inn. or. 1 bestrode the pestilent steed. "Ifi&s," loud and derisive, issued fron the ostler's lips, and into infinite spa*o \\v struck away — away — away. WV were shooting past a star, as when travelling express -you shoot past a station, when, from a crystal platform, a figure leapt before me. Horror of horrors ! it was landlord. Then, too, the beating of the feet of the quests, now increased by millions, smote upon my ear. Desperate, maddened, I seized my enemy round the waist, and endeavoured, accompanying each effort with a yell like an Indian war whoop, to hurl him from his seat. Oh ! the peals of demoniac laughter from the pursuing guests that followed' each futile effort ! How long this utate of things lasted I know not. I only know that a length a change did come. There was a heavy roll of thunder ; the demoniac laughter died out ; then a voice fell from the upper air, saying, " By St George, it is Titus Puncheon ;" then, from the depths of the earth, a hundred voices shouted, " He is mad !" Then, from the same quarter, five hundred voices shouted, " He is drunk !" Then the united voices of the inhabitants of the universe yelled, ''lie is both !" And T awoke.

There, amid the soft lisjlit of an autumn morning, in the middle of the market place of Grogborouirh, bestriding the bronze si-eed, with arms firmly clasped round the bronze male factor -—all the winds of heaven plavinir t'anlastie tricks with my solitary garment, sat T, Titus Puncheon. There on every side of the square, from every window, projected ni^' i t-capped lua's; there, at the window of the upper chamber of the Crown, glowed the round rubicund face of my fried, Dick Calico; there, on the pavement, stood the starched Frippets. brother and Msfer ; and there, from the window of a post-chaise, beamed the astonished, "bewildered, affrighted, but still beautiful face of my beloved E nily ! I—l1 — I — I cannot proceed —my feelings overcome mo. Waiter, a glass of brandy !