FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 186, 31 August 1871, Page 7

FACETIAE.

To put down an abuse — Show it up. When the day breaks, what becomes of the pieces ?

The last great charge of the Prussians —£200,000,000.

A Flight of Fancy. — Prize fijhters dispersed by the police. A young lady with a " switch " tr Ailing fashionably down her back was somewhat startled, while waiting at a railway depot the other day, by a kindly old ]ady who was not "up to the latest styles " approaching her and whispering, in a tone •audible all over the room, "Your back liair is coming down, miss."

A physician, attending a lady several times, had received a couple of guineas each visit 5 at last, when he was going away, she gave him but one, at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, "[believe madame," said he, "I have ■dropped a guinea." "No, sir," replied the lady, "it is, I that have dropped it."

One of the gentler sex says that the paradise of a strong-minded woman is "where buttons grow in their proper iplaces, and where pigs run abi >ut re idy .roasted, with a knife and fork stuck in iheir hams, crying, ' Eat me, eat me, eat me !' where men cease from bothering, no beds want making, and needles are at jest. — American paper.

In a Sussex churchyard may be seen -fhe following curious epitaph :—": — " Richard Basset, the old clerk of this parish, who had continued in the office of clerk and sexton for the space of forty-three years, whose melody -was warbled forth as if he had been thumped between the •shoulders with a pair of bellows, was buried on the 20th September, 186 C."

An old officer had lost an eye in the -wars, and. supplied it with a glass one which he always took nut when he went •to -bed. Being at an inn, he took nut bis •eye, 'and gave it to the simple servan-' igirl who attended, desiring her to lay it ■on the table. The maid afterwards still and staring, " What d<>st thou ■wait for?" said the officer. " Only for the (other eye, sir."

.It is told of Billy Hibbard, the Metho•tlist;'!thatonce when the roll was called ■in iihe conference his name was read *' "William." He rose at once and objected, saying that his name was not •William, it was Billy. "But, Brother ■Hibbard," pleaded Bishop Ashbury, " Billy is a . little boy's name !" " Yes, bishop," was the quick reply, " and I a little boy when ray father gave it to me."

David Macrae, in his "Americans at Home," tells of "a negro preacher who was in the habit of using in his prayers the tremendous -word, " disaramgumU.gated' — the origin or significance of which no one iv the place had ever been able to disco-ver. He prayed that 'their good pastor might be disammgnmtigaiei,' and that" ' de white teachers who had come from so far to construct de poorcoloured folks might be disariimgumtigated.' "

An Indian came to an agent ia lowa to get some whisky for a young warrior who nad been bitten by a rattlesnake. At first the agent did not credij; the story, lrat -fete earnestness o£ -fclie IricGan overcame his scruples. He asked him. how much he wanted. " Four- quarts," was the reply. " Four quarts !" repeated the agent with surprise ; " as much as that ." "" Yes," replied the Indian, frowning as savage as though about to exterminate ihe whole tribe, <( four quarts — snake very