FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 165, 6 April 1871, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

" 'Pears to me some folks am bery p rticler," as the darkey said when a lady in the street car declined his request to let him sit in her lap.

Some friend was remonstrating with Clarke the actor, about his profanity, and quoted the scriptural injnetion, *' Swear not at all." "I d m%" said Clarke. " I only swear at those who offend me."

An Illinois editor says :—": — " Trying to do business without; advertising is like winking in the dark ; you may know that you are keeping up a poweiful winking, bu^nfbody el£"-*!ias any idea of it." *Iymn lately sung at a "Coloured Gathering " in New York :—: —

We is nearer to de Lord /*: jDen de white folks, anil dey knows it ! "T See de glory -gate unbarred ! Walk in,. darkies, past de guard : Bet yer a dollar he won't close it. Walk in, darkies, troo de gate ; Hark ! de coloured angels holler, — " Go 'way, white Folks, ye"re too late ; We's de winnin kuller ! wait Till de t.iimpet blows to foller."

The progress of missionary enterprise is well illustrated by a story we h-xve just got from Jamaica. A darkey, meeting a Jew one morning recently, knocked him down. "What did you do that for?" shouted the astonished Hebrew ; "1 never in my life harmed you in any way." *' Are you not, sir, one of the Jews that crucified our blessed Lord ? " asked Sambo. " But that occurred nearly two thousand years ago," said the Jew. "I don't care a for that," responded the enraged nigger, "l only heard of it last night."

An irascible old gent, who formerly held the position of Justice of the Peace, was one day accosted in the street by a youth in a mmner that did not come up to his honour's idea of the respect due to him. " Young man," said he, " [ tins you five dollars for contempt of Court." " Why, Judge," said the offender, "you are not in session." " This Court," replied the jud^e, thoroughly irritated, "is always in session, and consequently always an object of contempt."

Steamboats and Scotch engineers fire all the world over. An ancient chroni cler, now resting "wi' the muols." but who lived contemporary with the fir3t Britidh steam vessel, relates that "Ac day as the Comet was paidlin' doon the water, she o'ertook a fly (passenger fastboat) that was taigled wi' a cross wind. As the steamer was sliding cannily past, her crew be*an to jaw the c iptaiii o' the fly, jnid facetiously t'> order him to come alang wi' his lazy craft. ' Get oofc o' my sicht ! ' was the indignant answer ; " I'm jist gaun as it pleases the breath of God, and I'll never fash my thootnh how fast ye gang wi your blasted devil's reek.' " The "reek" lias triumphed o'er the " bonnie breeze and the flowing sheet," and given to Clyde ironworkers a worldwide raputafcion.

The following, by Josh Billing 3, is only a trifle inferior to some passages in Thomson's " Seasons," by which noble popoi.it waa evidently inspire i :—": — " ' this year as much as usual. Hail, bu'luous virgin ! 5,009 years old and upwards, hale and hearty old gal, welcom to New York state and parts adjacent. Now the bird 3 jaw, now che cattle holler, now the pigeons scream, now the geese warble, how the kats si?h, and n iture is frisky ; t&a virtuous bsdbu'? and the nobby coqkroach are singing ' Yankee D>odle ' and 'Coming thro tae rhi.' Now may ba seen #ie muskeeter, that 'grey outlined, critter of destiny, solitary and alone, exttnining his last year's bill ; and now is tapfd, with the~naked ear, the hoarse ifcfgMjhigh bawling in the farmyard."