FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 158, 16 February 1871, Page 7

FACETIAE.

When a person declares that his " brain u» on fire," is it etiquette to blow it out? I Physic, for the most part, is but a sub■titute for exercise or intemperance. country magistrate has fined some Jambs for gam(o)ling in the public thoroughfare.

Infalliable Wisdom. — The Pope on being asked -what part of Rome his Holiness intendedjteeping, replied, Vat-I-can.

There is an old fashioned parlor game that has never been improved upon, and that is courting.

Debt is a horse that is always throwing its rider. Fools ride him barebacked, and without a bridle. It is said that bleeding a partly blind horse at the nose will restore his sight; so much for the horse. To open a man's eyes you must bleed his pockets. If a girl were to fall into the water, and were unable to sink, why would she partly change her sex? -Because she would be boy andCbuoyant)girl. "That's very singular," said a young lady to a gentleman who had just kissed her. " Oh, well, my dear miss,"was the reply, "I will makejit plural," and he did. President Fel ton, in his " Familiar Letters from Europe," relates the following incident that occurred on the good ship Daniel Webster, in which, he was a passenger:— " Last night I read some pas-

sages from ' Midsummer Nights Dream' to the captain. When I came to the description of the mermaid riding upon the dolphin's back, he pronounced it a humbug. ' The dolphin's back,' said he { is as sharp as a razor and no mermaid could possibly ride on the beast unless she first saddled him.' " I have heard a great deal ced about " broken hartes," and thare may be a fu ov

them, but mi experience is that nex tew the gizzard, the heart is the tuffest peace of meat in the whold critter. — Josh Billings. Epitaph. — Found in a tombstone in Mansfield, Mass.: — "A fond husband risked his whole freight of happiness injthis frail bark. There was a wreck. It was total." Standing on His Dignity. — Shipping Agent — " Are you a mechanic ?" Intending emigrant (justly indignant) — "No I'm a Macpherson." Exclusive. — (At the seaside.) — Tom " Ow long are you down for, Bill ?" Bill — " Fortnight," Tom.—" Going to bathe ?"

Bill.—

" Not I, I 'ad a rinse afore I come

down, and I shall 'aye another good rinse when I gets back. You never knows who you're bathin' along with, down 'ere." — " Punch and Judy."

Acquitted with a Character. — A judge in a small colony had to try a prisoner on a charge of theft. The prisoner pleaded guilty, but the judge with that tenderness to criminals which characterises the Eugliah law, advised him to take his trial. This was done, and the jury acquitted the prisoner, on which the judge addressed him in his sternest tones — " Prisoner at the bar, you have confessed yourself a thief, and the jury have found you a liar. Eegone from my sight." The following rich scene recently occurred in one of our courts of justice, betweea the judge and a Dutch witness, all the way from liotterdam : " What is your native language?" "I pc no native." I" What is your mother-tongue ?" Ich hab tao mudder, mynheer." What did you Brat learn ? What language did you speak in the cradle ?" " I tid not speak no language inthe cradle ; I only cry in Dootch." There was a general laugh, in

which the judge, jury, and audience joined. The witness was interrogated no f grjiher about his native language.