FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 154, 19 January 1871, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

Why are good husbands like dough? Because women need them.

Napoleon has been shaved. He had his Imperial taken off by the French people.

It is said that bleeding a partially blind horse at the nose will restore his sight : so much for the horse. To open a man's eyes you must bleed his pockets.

"Are these pure canaries?" asked a young gentleman who was negotiating for a gift for his fair. " Yes, sir," said the dealer, confidentially, " I raised them ere birds from canary seed !"

Theodore Hook, when dining with the author of a work called " Three Words to the Drunkard," was asked to review it. " Oh, my dear fellow, that I will do in three words — pass the bottle."

They have seventy-five bachelors at Independence, Missouri, twenty- five years old, who have oil been ' jilted' at least three times. They have formed themselves into a club for mutual protection.

A Paisley bailie, in speaking of one of his coadjutors in office, whom he thought a little "cracked," said, "If they don't keep the razors frae that man, he'll commit suicide on liimsel', or some iiher person."

Several kind friends have written to tlii^, paper, proposing improvements. Jtoertiser- [The paper is good enough ; ive propose auimpro\ementin the editor. Let him soak his head over-night in a bucket of cold starch to stiffen up his ideas.] — Californmn Advertiser.

it is '-ommon io speak of those whom a iir^ Uc- ;i". ' i as her victims. This is a '\^\".\ ri - or. 11-t io.iLv :> *tim is the man who ii i-Lq ac>:e>p.s. This reminds us of a h "py BiiniU : c< A''oqnette is a rose from I.L.' "\oi-y iovtr the leaf —the thorn reu-aus for her husband."

On a sultry summer Sunday, the minister, observing quite a number of his congregation asleep, remarked in a most emphatic manner, " I saw an advertisement last week for five hundred sleepers for a railroad. I think I could supply fifty, and recommend them as good and sound."

An old gentleman accused his servant, among other thefts, of having stolen his stick. The servant protested perfect innocence. "Why, you know," rejoined the complainant, " that the stick could never have walked off with itself." " Why not ?" said the attorney for the defence ; " it was a walking-stick."

Jones said to Hawkins, a crusty old bachelor, " What a pity that poor old Golden has gone blind. Loss of sight is a terrible tiling, and the poor fellow's eyes are quite sealed up." "Let him marry, then," exclaimed the waspish old celibate, " let him marry, and if that doesn't open his eyes, then his case is indeed hopeless."

While President Grant was in New York the other day, he was pounced upon by an office-seeker, who made an earnest appeal for a berth on account of his large family. " How many children have you ?" asked the President. " Fourteen," was the reply. " Well, your family have had births enough already," responded the General.

Josh Billings at Long Brunch. — "The biggest thing they have got here for the present iz the pool of water in front of the hotels. The pool iz sed bi good judges to be 3000 miles in length, and in some places five miles in thickness. Into this pool every day at 10 o'clock the folks all retire — males and females, widdera promisknss. They dress in flannel attire ov menny colours, and look as nearly alike, when they are in the pool, as a flock ov ducks and drakes. The water in this pool haz stood bo long it has got salty r and ought to be changed."

The New Proverbial Philosophy. — Aak no woman her age. Never joke with a policeman. Do not play at chess with a widow. Never contradict a man who stutters. Be civil to rich uncles and aunts. Your oldest hat, of course, for an evening party. Always sit next the carver, if you can, at dinner. Keep your own secrets. Wind up your conduct, like your watch, once every day, minutely examining whether you are fast or slow. Make friends with the steward on board a steamer ; there's no knowing how soon you may be in his power.

A contemporary gives the following account of the origin of. the term " eavesdropper" : — At the revival of Masonry in 1717, a curious punishment was inflicted upon a man who listened at the door of a Masonic meeting in order to hear its secrets. He -was summarily sentenced to " be placed under the eaves of an outhouse while it was raining hard till the water ran in under the collar of his coat and out at his shoes." The penalty was inflicted on the spot, and the name has been p^petuated ever since. [Query. — Was it always ( raining hard' when Magpnic meetings were being held ?]