THE LITTLE BRIBINGTON

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 143, 3 November 1870, Page 7

THE LITTLE BRIBINGTON

ELECTION.

A BEADING.

By Litchpield Moselt.

(From "Once a Week," for June.) In 1860, Little Bribington was a small borough in the West of England. We — that is to say, the burgesses thereof — had the privilege of returning one member to Parliament ; and, in the year I have mentioned, our honourable representative having levanted with a considerable sum of money — he was a joint-stock bank director — our seat became vacant.

Two candidates immediately appeared: one a man of strict honour and probity, but limited means, named Alexander Freebody ; the other, one Sir Hugh Muffkins, whose merits — well, the less said about them the better, perhaps ; suffice it to say, he was the possessor of a very large income. We were not long in discovering that the baronet's political attributes were of a very shady description ; in fact, he was so utterly empty-headed, that he had no idea of his own on any subject. But what did that matter to us ? We enrolledourselves under his banner, and he never grumbled at the expenses we incurred on his behalf. Sir Hugh left everything in our hands. We issued his advertisements, indited his posters, and placarded the borough with announcements as follows :—": — " Purity and Muffkins;" "Corruption and Freebody ;" " Muffkins and a Big Loaf (some of the opposition party altered this into "Muffkins is a Big Loafer") ; " Freebody and Starvation ;" " Vote for your True and only Friend, Sir Hugh, who pledges himself to abolish Everything ;" &c.

We also bought up the local paper, and fulminated in it abusive and damaging reports — all of them fabrications — concerning the integrity, morality, and respectability of Mr. Freebody. We secured all the leading taverns, and threw them open to the free and independent electors ; and we, moreover, personally canvassed the inhabitants, and left no stone unturned to secure Sir Hugh's return. One of our favourite plans was to prevail on those of the poorer electors who had little to do to act as canvassers and committee men ; hinting that all their expenses, up to ten guineas each, would be paid on the day after the election. This bait was eagerly swallowed, and the baronet secured about three hundred plumpers by its means. I will give one specimen of the way in which we managed our canvassing. Suppose the scene to be the Highstreet, Little Bribington. We enter the shop of Mr. White, our leading baker, and find him busy,, as usual, behind the counter. " Good morning, gentlemen. What can I do for you ?" asks the baker. " Well, it's merely a trifling matter, Mr. White. We suppose we can rely on your support at the coming election for Sir Hugh Muffkins ?" " Well, gentlemen, you see I've half made up my mind to vote for Mr. Freebody. I've known the family for yearß, and he's just the man we want in Parliament now." j "Hum! yes, Mr. White; but do you conscientiously think that Mr. Freebody is qualified to become our representative? Tou must recollect that he does not represent vested interests, and — " " Well, to tell you the truth, gentlemen, I've thought very little about the i mattter ; but, as I said before, I've a great respect for Mr. Freebody." " Oh, certainly, certainly. This is a free country, and every man has a right to his own opinions : and, of course, we have no wish to interfere or bias anyone." Finding that the baker is obstinate, we venture on another tack. " And how are all your family, Mr. White ?" "Oh, they're pretty well, thank you, gentlemen — pretty well." " That,s right. How's George getting on ?" We may here remark that George has won an unenviable reputation in Little Bribiugton. " Ah, not so well as I could wish, gentlemen. You see, George has always been a deal o' trouble to me and the missis, and I'm afraid he'll never settle to anything. It's scarce a month back since I got him a good situation in the North, and ho wasn't there a week before he threw it up ; and now he's at home, idling about again." " Dear me, Mr White, that's very sad — very sad indeed ! By the bye, Jellyby" — J. is my companion — " Sir Hugh Muffkins is chairman of one of the largest finance companies in London, and it wouldn't be much trouble to him to get Geoge into the office. What do you think ?" Jellyby nods assent. "It would be an excellent opening for him. Mr. White. We can't mention the matter to him just now, you see, he's so busy about this election business ; but as soon as that's settled, we'll broach the subject, if you like." J y "Really, gentlemen, I should feel deeply grateful to you if you would. I can assure you, my son's goings-on have caused me many a sleepless night."

" Well, Mr. .White, we'll see what can be done after the election. Qrood morning,"

" Good morning, gentlemen, and thank you kindly ; an.l if my vote's worth having, it's at Sir Hugh's disposal."

So, in five hundred different ways, we succeeded in obtaining promises of support from as many electors, in some cases by open bribes, in others by hinting at future benefits. We held meetings at the town hall ; and whenever Sir Hugh essayed to speak, and broke down — which he generally did after the first sentence — we drowned his confusion by cheers ; and the next morning the "Bridington Gazette" gave an elaborate account of the proceedings, with a verbatim report of the speech made by the baronet — which was supplied to that paper by a literary barrister we engaged for the purpose. We also secured the active co-operation of a number of London pugilists and roughs ; and the duty of these gentlemen was to attend the opposition meetings, and whenever Mr. Freebody or his supporsers attempted to speak, they would begin to yell uproariously, upset the benches, throw the ink-bot-tles about, get up a free fight — and, in short, create such a disturbance, that not a single word could be heard ; and, as all well-disposed persons considered themselves fortunate if they escaped without broken heads, those who attended Mr. Freebody's meetings once never repeated their visit. At last the nomination day arrived ; and at eleven o'clock Sir Hugh Muffkins, accompanied by his proposer and seconder, drove up to the hustings in a magnificent carriage, drawn by four horses, with postillions — Mr. Freebody having arrived some half-hour earlier in a simple one-horse brough.im — amid the prolonged cheers of our lambs, which lasted until the Mayor, who was on our side, opened t\e proceedings by commanding silence. Whereupon Mr. Freebody's nominator, Mr. Frumps — a short, fussy little gentleman, of extreinly nervous temperament — stepped forward, and spoke as follows .- —

" Gentlemen" — (here he looked about him, and fumbled with his watchchain for a few seconds) — " Gentlemen — I am a man of business" — (he had made a fortune in the gingerbeer trade) — " and, as you are all, no doubt, men of business yourselves, I will, if y<pu, will permit me, come to the point at once, and without any further delay ; feeling sure that — a — beating about the bush is a mere waste of time, and simply calculated to try your patience. I will, with your kind permission — " A Voice : " You said that before." '•Did I? I am obliged to that gentleman for the information; and therefore, with your kind permission — " Another Voice : " Get along do !" " Gentlemen, I am getting along as fast as circumstances will allow ; but, if you will persist in interrupting me — " Several Voices : " Oh ! oh ! oh !" " I am afraid that I shall be compelled to trespass on your time to a greater extent than I at first intended. Gentlemen, I was about to say — " A. Voice : " Never mind what you were about to say. Say it out like a man !" " Sir, I appeal to you for protection." (Here he turned to the Mayor, who held up his hand, as if to command silence.) "Gentlemen)" — laying a marked stress on the first two syllables — " A vacancy having occured in your representation, I beg to propose Alexander Freebody, Esq., as a thoroughly fit and proper person to represent your borough in Parliament. I believe him to be — " Here the speaker was compelled to stop in consequence of a perfect hurricane of groans and catcalls. In vain he attempted to make himself heard, being assailed with cries of" Go home !" "What lunatic asylum have you escaped from ?" " Oh ! oh!" &c.

Mr. Freebody's seconder followed in dumb show, until he was hit by a stray bunch of turnips, upon which he retired with expedition.

Then, somethiug like silence having been restored, Mr. Spuff kins, our chairman, advanced, and in the usual orthodox manner, proposed Sir Hugh Muff kins amid deafening cheers ; and was immediately followed by Mr. Jonathan Gammon, who seconded the nomination in the following eloquent speech. Gammon, was a man who positively revelled in big words, without the slightest idea of their meaning or applicability, and was in every respect a shining specimen of the " stump orator" species. " Gentlemen ! Fellow - townsmen ! Free and Independent Electors of Little Bribington !—lt! — It is with feelings of the mos f intense gratification that I rise to second the nomination of Sir Hugh Muffkins, feeling convinced in

the innermost recess of my soul, that, if you are fortunate enough to elect him as your representative in the Commons House of Parliament, you will confer lustre on the borough, and credit on yourselves. Gentlemen, lam not ashamed to state, that there is not a man living when I hold in higher estimation than the worthy baronet." " Gentlemen, if you want a man who will pledge himself to do anything, than I say, elect Sir Hugh Muff kins ! If you wish the ceaseless cycle of this great empire to expand into infinite infinity, elect Sir Hugh Muff kins! If you want a man who is in favor of the disruption of the tyrannical cords that bind the everlasting feet of industry as with adamantine chains, elect Sir Hugh Muff kins! If you require virtue, integrity, honour probity, justjce ; naturalization, intimi-

dation, investigation, mystification, obliteration, premeditation, procrastination, vaccination, and the compulsory abolition of all taxation, whether necessary or unnecessary, where would you seek for such a man except in Sir Hugh Muffkins ? Gentleman, I confide to you the proud responsibility of electing him Eemember that a noble task is before you — a task which upwards of ten thousand years ago, the brave Roman electors strove to emulate but in vain; yet even in those old barbaric times, when men were men and not serfs, faint traces of the glories of this day were visible on the political horizon — that horizon which, happily, has not yet been burst up by the amenities of chemical jurisprudence. Then, Gentlemen, pull well together, shoulder to shoulder and arm to arm, and hesitate at nothing — I say nothing whatever; for remember that the eyes of two expansive hemispheres are upon you to day, to say nothing of those hemispheres yet undiscovered, to secure the triumphant return of Sir Hugh Muffkins !"

As Mr. Gammon resumed his seat, the applause was positively tei*rific. The show of hands was then taken, and declared to be in favour of the baronet ; whereupon Mr. Freebody demanded a poll which was fixed for the following day.

The next morning we opened the polling booths at eight o'clock. The night before, we telegraphed to London, aiid received by the first train a reinforcement of some four dozen lambs. We placed our army round the booths, with strict injunctions to indulge in as much horse-play as possible, to annoy and otherwise molest all pesons voting for Mr. Freebody, and to carry off the elderly and weak-minded men, and force them to vote for our candidate. These instructions they carried to the letter, until the poll closed at four o'clock. One hour later, the returning officer announced the numbers to be as follows:— « Muffkins, 1,240; Freebody, 216;" he therefore declared that Sir Hugh Muffkins was duly elected. Then, amid long continued cheers, we led forward the successful candidate, who delivered a telling speech in the following manner : — " Gentlemen I overpowered honour House of Commons assure you brightest — " (" Hurrah !" " Bravo J" " Hear, hear !" &c) — " ever cherish malt tax " (" Hear, hear !" Three cheers for Sir Hugh !" — " British constitution ardent desire lasting settlement dispute proud prerogative — " (" Hear, hear !") — " your representa tive— "

This was the entire speech, all the audible words being prompted by Gammon, all the other portions being filled up by the cheers of our lambs. But, as the baronet had thrown his arms about wildly, people said it was a capital oration. Then the bells were set ringing, the crowd dispersed, and the election was over ; but not, however, until the irrepx*essible Gammon had thus spokan :—: —

" Electors of Little Bribington — I long to grasp your hands in cordial recognition of your disinterested conduct on this occasion ; for I believe, to speak figuratively, that the first brick of the national palladium of a glorious liberty, to be built on the wrecK of a ruined constitution, has been laid today. Gentlemen, I can fancy how the giovelling toadies who lick up the dust with a bloated oligarchy has the audacity to kick up with its garments — I can fancy, I say, how these men will tremble and shiver in their boots when the glorious fact is made known to them in the " Latest Intelligence " that Sir Hugh Muffkins sits for Little Bribington. Gentlemen, the mists and shrouds of a darkening ignorance are rapidly disappeaiing, and ere long the dazzling dawn of a new era vill make itself heard on every side. Again and again I thank you, and call upon you to give three ringing cheers for Sir Hugh Muff kins, M.P. Muffkina is everything that we desire — A mau of gold, whom all men must admire. fcK>ld rules the world : Muffkins was born to rule. Who scoffs at money bags must be a fool !" He was the last member we ever returned ; for, three months later, Little Bribington was disfranchised.