FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 143, 3 November 1870, Page 7

FACETIAE.

The leader of a church choir in Kansas whistles the first bai-s of the tune till the congregation catch it. A Frankfort " school" displays the following sign :—": — " Swimming instruction given by a teacher of both sexes." A London toper has purchased a cow, and is feeding her on juniper berries, so that he may get fresh gin and milk. It i^nsported that " during a fit of tetnpora?/^ insanity" a lady at Bloomington, N.Y., lately gave birth to four djjMren. ~ ir A. set of tomb stones, almost as good as new," are advertised to be sold under a mortgage foreclosure in Massachusetts." An Arkansas paper says there is little danger of drought in that locality, as the "ground is. damp two feet above the surface." The gentlemen so often spoken of in novels who riveted people by his gaza has obtained employment in a boiler manufactory. The following dreadful conundrum is by our own joker : — Why is a mouse like rinderpest? Because the cattle (cat'll) get it. A Jerseyman has a farm of which he wishes to dispose, and, recommends it because of the " excellent champagne made from its turnip tops." . A California legislator lately arose from Ms seat and said : — " Mr Speaker, I straddle that blind —beg pardon —I mean ' I second that motion.' " " Give the devil his due, reads well enough as a proverb," says Josh Billings ; " but what will become of you and me, my friend, if this arrangemant is carried out?" The fatft of a man of genius and feeling is like that of a tuft of flowers ; as an orament he may mount up on the head of all, or go to decay in the wilderness. It is rumoured that the Rev. Mr Spurgeon will not visit the United States. A n American paper says, "That's bad for Mr Spurgeon, but good for the United States." An old lady was recently arrested in Pittsburgh for stealing a bible. Her excuse was that her own was printed on such small type she couldn't get any consolation out of it. An Albama editor, in puffing a grocery kept by a woman, says :—": — " Her tomatoes are as red as her cheeks, her indigo as blue as her own eye, and her pepper as ,hot as her own temper." Some one sent to a Richmond paper, as original, an extract from the song of Solomon, and the editor published it "as a fair specimen of the poetical effusions which are daily thrown into our waste basket." A little four year old child told his father he was a fool. On being reprijnanded by his mother and required to say he was sorry, he toddled up to the insulted parent and exclaimed, "Papa, Fm sorry you're a fool.",. Some years ago an apprentice in the office of a newspaper published in the South of England placarded the walls with a mass of " pie" — that is, type placed together with out order— to which he had affixed the following strange title : — " Brief description of the Ragalbumpsha Trentosa recently discovered in the Island of Stufflebrok." A student of Trinty College was tried before Lord GuUamore for a petty theft. The defence was his station in life, his prepossessing appearance, and his family. The judge charged in these words ; ■^Gentlemen of the jury, this is a short J^jßue. The prisoner at the bar is a young gentleman of attractive manners and irreproachable connection, stole a pair of silk stockings— rand you will find accordingly/