FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 140, 13 October 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

Advice to a toper — Don't let spirits go down. "You can't do that again," said the pig when the boy cut off its tail. A few days ago a Nevada judge fined himself five dollars for being late. It is quite natural that when a woman reigns she should storm — and she always does. Women prisoners in Towa have all the rights of men. They are set to breaking stones. What must always be calculated upon when we paint our houses? — A brush ■with the painter. Some of the strong-minded women Renounce matrimony, because, they say, " there is something childish in it." 1 A story is told of a young man who was gqing West to open a jeweller's store. TYhen asked what capital he had he replied, "A crowbar." A Wisconsin farmer sues for a divorce c l the ground that his wife can't chop the anount of wood that she boasted about previous to marriage. ; A Southern negro insists that his race vjas mentioned in the Bible, lie said he heard the preacher read how "Nigger I>emus wanted to be born again." 1 " Women," remarked the Contemplative Man, are deep as the blue water of yonder bay." " Ay, sir," replied the Disappointed Man, " and as full of craft." A Missouri gentleman carries about

•with him a memento of a. lost brother in

the shape of a cane cut from the tree on ■v^jh that relative was hanged for horse " Silence in the court room there," thundered a police magistrate the other morning; "the court has already committed four prisoners without being able to hear a word of the testimony." A young clergyman complained to Dr Johnson that somehow or other he had lost all his Greek. "I suppose," said the doctor, "it was at the time I lost my great estates in Yorkshire." When a Mormon is spnt abroad on recuiting service Brigham Young appoints a man to act as brevet husband until his return. If the wives are good-looking Brig, appoints himself. The little girl who was sent to hunt for hens' eggs thought, as she did not find any it was strange, for she saw "lots of hens standing about, and they might as well have been ' laying' as doing nothing." A Toledo minister has within ten months married a couple, baptised their child, preached the husband's funeral sermon, and married the widow. ' ' Whatsover thy hand findeth to do, do it with all thy might." St. Louis policemen, going on boat at night, are served with strychnined beef sandwiches for poisoning dogs. A newlyappointed polieceman mistook his for lunch the other night. There is a vacancy in the police force. A negro named Abram Horsefly tried to reconstruct a white girl five years old in the wood near Richmond Va., a few days since. He was caught. The rope held, and he swung like a pendulum. No cards — "American paper." A Pennsylvania editor rejects an advertisement sent him by an Indiana law3 r er on the condition that he should take his pay in " divorces" ; saying, however, that he does so because he is bachelor, and thus the proposition is "scandalously premature." " I'm afraid you don't like babies when they cry," said, matron to a gentleman, as she tried to soothe the darling in her arms. "Oh, yes," said he, "I like them best •when they cry, because I've always observed that then they are invariably carried out of the room." An American newspaper recently had an "argument," said a ma l ron to a contemporary, disclaiming personality, and after giving an extract, said it forbore to say that the quotation " revealed the manners of a blackguard, the veracity of a champion liar, and the morals of a thief." If an editor has a box at a theatre, are letters for him received there? If a gardener were to set a diamond, would he have a crop of brilliants? Is "Do yon dance ?" a party question 1 Can boots be purchased, like land, at 10s. per foot ? Does a constable double the Cape in cold weather. Juries have never been satisfactory tribunals in Ireland Mr O'Connell useu to tell strange stories of the manner in which evidence was set at nought. In one instance a prisoner was found guilty of murder in spite of the production of the murdered man, safe and whole, in the witness

•.box.— r" Quarterly Review." -£Ak -pretty, bright, little juvenile friend, some live year of age, named Rosa, was teased a good deal by a gentleman who visits the family ; he finally wound up by saying, " Rosa, I don'tlove you." " Ah! but you've got to love me," said the child. "Howso?" asked her tormentor. "Why," answered Rosa, " the Bible says you must love them that hate you, and I am sure that I hate you."