FLOATING A FINANCE COMPANY.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 132, 18 August 1870, Page 7

FLOATING A FINANCE COMPANY.

(From " Once a Weok.") It was the 10th of April, '64. "Nobbles, I want you to do me a favour," said Smasher, as I was sitting in a grim City chop-house, disposing of some unknown animal fibre and vegetables. Smasher was a genius who lived on his wits, and didn't fatten. He had been a clerk, a soldier, a policeman, an omnibus timekeeper, a reporter, a sheriff officer assistant, a check-taker at a cheap theatre, a supernumerary at ditto, a temperance lecturer, a brewer's collector, the outside agent of a photographer in the New Cut, and a bounding Bedouii* of Bessarabia at Asley's. ""Well! what is it?" <( Nothing particular. I want your name to a bill for fifty pounds, that's all." " Qh ! that's all. Smasher, have you been drinking, or are you mad ?" "Neither. Don't be alarmed; I'll explain all directly. Eating — eh? Lucky fellow! It's well to be you. Now, if you were a Christian, you'd say, ' Sit down, eat, drink, and be happy,'" Acting on this hint I gave the order, and Smasher was soon deep in roast mutton and onion sauce. " I have a scheme," he said, " that will make my fortune. Nobbles, lam going to float a Finance Company !" " A. Finance Company ?" " Ah ! you may laugh, but it's a very easy thing to do ; the public mind is ripe for speculation, and they'll swallow anything. All I want is a little money. I've prepared j everything; obtained directors, bankers, j auditors, and solicitors; picked up a needy M.P. to act as chairman — terms, two guineas a time and sherry ; and an honourable — who was kicked out of an Irish regiment for swindling — [at half the price. He's outside now, 1 and wants a dinner as badly as I do." j I wouldn't take the hint, thinking if I did I should probably have to pay for a meal for all the directors. " It's only a trifle I want, to adverI tise the affair ; but we are all of us such an awfully hard-up, needy set, that although we've scraped and scraped, begged, borrowed, and disposed of everything to a relative who advances money ou deposits, our paidup capital only amounts to two pounds ten shillings ; and what is the use of fifty shillings? However, as managing director, I've hired the top attic of a house in Vernon-street, Mayfair, and paid a fortnight's rent in advance -rrj looked so seedy they wouldn't trust me without ; and the other men whose names figure here (barring the M.P.), and who originally hailed from Gray's Inn lane, Lisson grove, Badger's buildings, Newington-butts, and other unaristocratic slums, have followed my example (here he opened a roll of paper) so that I flatter myself the affair looks genuine. See here, I have styled it '-The Great Cosmopolitan Financial Corporation (Limited.) Capital— Five Millions, in 50,000 shares of £100 each. It is not contemplated to call up more than £3 10s per share.' That's the way to bait the hook, and make purchasers rise." "Excuse me, Smasher, but that seems a large capital." "Of course ; so. much the better. It's a mere question of figures, and two or three additional noughts — i nothing in themselves — look vastly imposing on a prospectus." j " Very true, Smasher ; they da look imposing." I " Good," he said, laughing as he resumed :—: — " DIRECTORS. James Silvertongue Hardup, Esq.» ! M.P., Foodies Club, S.W. (chair- | man.) The Hon< John Bouncer (late H.M. Horse Marines, Bog Hall, Fen County, Ireland (Vice-chairman.) I. Brisk Cutaway, Esq., (Director of the Madagascar Tallow Mines, Limited), the Kpokery, Westminster. A. S. Windle, Esq., (Chairman of the Aerial Steam Navigation Company, Limited), 460, Bolter's Court, Oid Jewry. Willoughby Vere de Flashman, Esq., Victoria-street. M. le Coinpte de Eougetnoir, Leicester square and Baden-Baden. Buddleton Smasher, Esq., 71, Vernonstreet, Mayfair (Managing Director.) " "We have fifteen directors, with power to add, &c. ; but that's merely a sample. ' Bankers : The Bank of Both Hemispheres, Messrs. Sloper, G-olightly and Co. Solicitors : Messrs Pluckem, Fleece, and Bully. Temporary Offices: Three Ghills Court, Throgmorton-street. The prospectus goes on to state — ' That the company is formed to carry on the ordinary and extraordinary business of a finance and cr?edit association — viz., discounting without inquiry, making advances to English and foreign railways and contractors ; providing funds to float anything that may turn up ; paying interest for deposits at call, and lending them, out at fixed periods of, say, three, five, or seven- years.' " - li Is that a safe course to pursue ?" I asked. "Well, that's rather difficult to answer ; it's perfectly safe unless anything happens ; but many associations of this kind do it." "Oh!" " Fact ! You see without risk they

couldn't pay the dividends they do. The plan is this — easy as A B C — they Jock up every farthing they possess, charging nominally a high rate of interast— rwhether it's paid or not is immaterial; but it's calcu.ated regularly as if it was paid, and the dividends come out of capital, the general rule being to make a call of, say, five pounds per share, to pay a dividend of, say, five shillings." " Yes ; but that cannot last." " True ! nobody behind the scenes expects it to last ; but that's one of the many secrets of English finance. Now, Nohbles, fifty pounds will advertise us for one day, and then the applications and deposits will roll in j add. your name to this — the B!LP. has done so already — and I'll make you a present of fifty paid-up shares ; old Mo' Levy will cash it." He went to the door and whistled ; whereupon a snuffy -looking Jew shuffled in. " Mo'," said Smasher, <« this gentleman will oblige us." " Ah ! thatsh right, ma tear ; vot'sh the shentlemansh name V " Nobbles." ' " Nobblesh ish a goot name." " Excuse me, Smasher — I said nothing of the sort," • i( But you intend to ; it's all the same. Come, come, you're too sharp a man of business to throw away a golden chance." Dazzled by his words I signed the bill. * | " There you are, Mo' ; and now do your part." "Ah ! Mishter Smasher ; yer sec, i monish is very tight jusht now, sho I must have schent per schent for it ; I vouldn't ask yer no intereskt votever, but I vill take my Solomon oath I shall have to borrow de monish of a friend ; and sho, if the company should prove a succesh, I shall expect a pull out of it. Mind, thatsh a bargain." " All right, Mo' ; come along." And taking his arm, Smasher departed. Three days later, the Cosmopolitan Financial Corporation (Limited) was j brought out and applications for shares poured in. In a week they were allotted. I sold my fifty for double their par value, and retired from the concern. i And the molehill became a mountain ; and Bubbleton Smasher the grub, developed into Bubbleton Smasher the butterfly, with a splendid villa at Twickenham; and in six months was MR for Great Bribington. He was toadied to in the city, and on 'Change was worshipped as an oracle by smaller men; and he, moreover, wrote a popular monetary work, called " Smasher on Finance ; or,. How tq. Make a. Fortune with, Fourpence," He also took up with theatricals, and was lessee, under the rose, of the Blank street Theatre, which he rendered famous for its ballet. One day, after the company had been, in existence a year, I was invited to a garden party at is. villa. There was a goodly gathering of singers, musicians and artistes, including Mdlle Zephyrina de la Cordoniere, and several of her sister dancers ; but to our surprise, the host was missing — indeed, he had not been home all night. Suddenly, breathless with excitement, arrived M. Octave i Bassoon, conductor of the Blank street orchestra. ' "Ah, my friends," he spluttered, " have you heard de terrible news?" "No, no! what is it?" from fifty lips. " A notice is it affixed on de stage door dat the theatre is close." "Ehlmon Dieu !" shrieked Mdlle, Zephyrina; but our salaries, who vill pay our salaries 1" " Parbleu ! I not know; dere is no von dere. De nianagere, de directeur, de treasurere, dey have all bolt," Without waiting to hear- more, the artistes hurried away. Then a hansom drove up, and out leaped tl\e Jew, j Levy. ' I " Oh ! Mishter Nobblesh, Mishter j Nobblesh, here'sh pretty shtart. 0, Holy Mosesh ! I shall blow out my brainsh." " Explain yourself," I said; " what is the matter 1" " Matter ! Itsh all over, Mishter Nobblest; the companish bursht xip, and that schoundrel, Smasher, bolted last night." I jumped into the cab and drove ■ back at once to the city. In Fleet ' street we nearly rode over a boy, who was shouting, "Here y're, sir, s'cond edition! "Evening Standard!" Collapse of the Cosmopolitan Finance Company ! Flight o' the managing director ! Panic in the city." In Cheapside knots of excited men were gathered; and, as we turned into Throgmorton street, I saw a great crowd in front of the house, and I knew that the Cosmopolitan had gone. As we alighted — " Sad job this here,, sir," said a journeyman baker to an old gentleman. " Not at all,, sir, not at all ; I've been expecting it for months. If people will put their money into swindles, they must expect to lose it." " Now, then, gentlemen, move on, if yer please ; we can't have no crowds here," said a policeman on duty outside. " Come down, will yer ? It ain't no good flattening your noses agin them winder panes — d'ye hear ?" This was to two lads who had climbed up the railings, and were looking through the wire blinds. " Oh, Mr. Pleeceman, sir," said one, " I've dropped a penny down the airy-

grating. Please knock and ask for it, sir." " Gl-et along with you," said the official, as he cuffed the speaker. The next day a meeting was held at the London Tavern. "When I arrived, a fiery-faced gentleman was adjuring the shareholders "to take himmediate haction to hindict the directors for perjury, conspiracy, burgarly, and harson, and transport every man Jack of 'em ; for," added he, " 'ighway robbers wouldn't bear any comparison with 'em." Others were shouting, " Where are directors ?" " Are we going to begin to-day?" "Where'sßubbletonStnasher," &c. At length entered, hat on head, Mr. Obadiah Taddy, a Quaker, and the only honest man on the board. Placing his hand on his heart, and bowing low, " Friends," he commenced. " Hiss'sVh !" was the reply. Again and again he bowed. His lips moved, but not a word was audible ; until, taking advantage of a temporary lull — | " Friend, will thee listen to me ? t(' No ! no, no.') If time is of no object to thee, it is none to me. I can wait here a week if thee thinkest it needful." " Where's Bubbletan Smasher ?" "Verily, I grieve to inform thee that our respected friend, Bubbletou Smasher, departed yesterday morn for i America. (' Oh, oh, oh ; where are the other directors ?') I am fain to believe that urgent private business hath taken them to America also." i " Fellow-shareholders !" yelled Fieryface, " will you submit to be humbugged in this manner ?" " No, no ! Statement — Accounts." " I regret that I am unable to furnish thee with any statement, my brethren having taken the books with them ; but, by inquiry, I find that £330,000 0s 44 hath been invested, in fully paid-up shares of twenty pounds c ' eh, in the Arctic Circle Deep Sea Fisheries Company, the selling price of which this day is one penny each, the vendors paying brokerage. Another item of £189,000 hath been swallowed up in the ventures styled the * Himalaya fountains Gas Association,' 'The Siberian Brickfields (Limited),' and 'The Amalgamated Dufters* Life Assurance Company,' now in liquidation ; also that our friend, the managing director, had made use of £-131,000 6s 8| of the company's funds* Moreover, that a most promising enterprise for converting Croydon into a fashionable watering-place hath, after an enormous outlay, failed, as the Act of Parliament to enable us to cut away the whole of Sussex, and a great portion of Surrey, hath been refused us. Further than this, I have not an idea of our position ; but friend Scorewell, the auditor, who is here, can give thee some information." Said Mr, Scorewell, smilingly, " G-entlemen, I really must throw myself on your kind forbearance." One of the shareholders immediately took him by the hand. " Are you the auditor of this company ?" " I am." " Did you examine the accounts at the last audit ?" " No, certainly not ; I merely ticked the figures Mr. Smasher showed me, and signed the report." " What remuneration do you receive ?" " Two hundred guineas per annum." " Who arranged the amount ?" " Mr. Smasher." " With the board's concurrence ?" - "I don't think the directors were consulted. I never knew them, to bo. Mr. Smasher was the board." " Who prepared the report ?" " Mr. Smasher." I " Who examined the accounts ?" | " Mr. Smasher.'' " Who entered into the contracts ?" " Mr. Smasher." " What did the- other directors do ?" 1 "Nothing. They attended once a month for an hour, chatted together, and consumed a quantity of sherry and biscuits." "For which attendance they drew their fees regularly, 1 presume ?" "I believe so v Individually, they were not wanted,; Mr. Smasher did everything." \ "And everybody," yelled Fieryface. " And they did nothing else ?" " Nothing. I forget ; sometimes they borrowed money of the company." " And returned it again ?" " That I can't say." " Who lent the money ?" " Mr. Smasher." " And you knew of this ?" | " Certainly." " And said nothing about it ?" Certainly not. It was not my business to interfere ; I was engaged to examine the accounts." " Which you never did examine." | " I supposed them to be right." i " Sir, you're a credit to your profession." " Thanks. I hold testimonials from many eminent city firms." " Did Mr Smasher ever make you any presents ?" " Eeally, I forget." " Did he never- beg your acepetance of two thousands pounds as a recognition of your services ?" "He may have done such a thing, but I really cannot tax my brain about such trifles." " Try and recollect."

" I must decline answering ; for any other information I must refer you to Mr Obadiah Taddy." Then Taddy arose. '■ Verily, friends Scorewell, thou art deceiving these people ; thou knowest much, but thou thinkest it wise to hold thy peace." "That is a falsehood, Mr Taddy." '"Friends Scorewell, if thou gives me the lie, I shall be under th.c painful necessity of pulling thy nasal organ." "Pull it, sir! Pull it! Oblige me by pulling it, sir" And he trust his face close to the Quaker's, who placed his hand gently on the other's shoulder. " These gentlemen are witnesses you have assaulted me," exclaimed Scorewell ; " I appeal to them to interfere." " You wish us to interfere." asked Fieryface. " Yes." And in an instant the shareholders had swarmed over the directorial table like bees, seized Mr Scorewell, and handed him bodily over the heads of the assembly, out of the door ; when, ooatless and hatless, he was chased by the whole body down the great staircase into the street, where a London mob took up the pursuit, until he found refuge iv a hansom. The room being quite empty, poor friend Taddy, deeming that a favourable moment had arrived to depart, put on his hat, and, collecting his papers, made for the door ; when he was surrounded by the tide of returning shareholders, who, flushed with victory, were eager for another victim. In a second his hat was knocked over bis eyes, his spectacles smashed, his umbrella destroyed, his coat minus its tails, his papers scattered to the winds, and he himself spiuning down the staircase — excited, out of breath — until, missing his footing, he rolled down the whole flight, coming into collision with a stout waiter who was carrying a tureen of turtle soup, the whole of which he received over his person. When he recovered his consciousness the shareholders were gone. Two days later we were in Chancery.