FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 132, 18 August 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

A fit of Passion. — Getting married. The pale of Civilisation. — Pearl powder. Why are ladies juster than men. ? Because they are the " fairer" sex. Why does the washing come home en a Saturday ? Because it's the close (clothes) of the week. In Czegodin, in Hungary, a giantess of three hundred and fifty pounds has been led to the altar. Roast beef, serenity of mind, a pretty wife, and cold water, will make almost any man " healthy, wealthy, and wise." " Now, papa, what is humbug 1 "* — " It is," replied papa, ''when ma. pretends to be very fond of me, and puts no buttons on my shirt." "lam certain, wife, that I am right, and you are wrong ; I'll bet my ears on it." "Indeed, husband, you shouldn't carry betting to such extreme lengths." A belle of Agra, India, is in full dress when swathed in two shawls, with thirty bracelets, fourteen pairs of ear-rings, seven necklaces, one nose pendant, and a seal ring on each thumb. It is a singular fact that some ladies, who know how;, to preserve everything else, can't preserve their tempers. Yet it may easily be done on the self-sealing principle. It is only to keep the mouth z>f the vessel tightly closed. rj A travelling showman announces that •'he will be in a town in the Wes»t of England in a few days, when he will exhibit, among other curious and interesting objects, a speaking trumpet, a walking stick, a pair of dajicing pumps, and several shooting bumps. The following order, verbatim et literatim, is said to have been received by an undertaker by an afflicted widower :—: — "Sir, mywyf.is ded, and wants to be berried tomorro at wunnor klok. U nose where to dig the Hole — bi the side of my too other wyfs — Let it be deep." An old Russian milllionnaire, named Zohn, has, writes a Paris correspondent, been poisoned at St. Petersburg, and the person who commended the poisoned chalice to hi 3 lips — a girl of about sixteen — could not restrain her mirth as she was summoned to identify the corpse of her victim. A fellow who had never enjoyed the pleasure of being coaxed out of his money by a pair of bright ey.es swimming in tears, . and consequently feels-, angry with those who have, crustily remarks, " As people sprinkle the floors before they sweep them, so wives sprinkle their husbands with tears in order to. sweep oash out of their pockets. Loafers. — Different nations have different kinds of loafers.. The Italian spends his time in sleeping ; the Turkish loafer, in dreaming ; the Spanish, in praying ; the French, in laughing ; the English, in swearing ; the Russian, in gambling ; the Hungarian, in smoking ; the German, in in drinking ; and. the American, in talking politics. There is nothing more ludiirous than the impressive dignity of a drunkard. Such an one fell down a flight of stairs in Bellow's Falls, the other night, and a passer-by, fearing him injured, ran to pick him up. But the man majestically staggered to hia feet, and, in response to the proffered aid, roared out, '* Now, you jes lemme 'lone. Wan' no siobberin' aroun' me. I allus come down stairs that way ! " An exchange tells of a railroad conductor to whom a fine boy, the first, was born in his absence. Some of his wife's friends, of a waggish turn of mind, suggested that they borrow tw.o other babies in the neighbourhood, and present three youngsters to their happy father on his return. Upon the arrival of the train in the evening, the young husband, who had heard that all was well, hurried home. After fondly kissing his wife, he asked to see the little stranger. Imagine his surprise on beholding three babies when the .coverlet was turned down. After gazing at them in profound astonishment for several minutes, he turned to his wife and gravejy-asked, "Did any get away? " The following conversation between two Bourse speculators, who had been separated from each other for a few weeks, was recently overheard :—": — " What have you been doing since I lass saw you ? " "I have been mariied." "That is good!" " Not so good,-, either, for my wife is a coquette."- "That is bad!" "Not so b&d either, for my wife had a fortune of 300,000f . " « ' That is good ! " " Not so » good either, for I have risked it all at play." "That i% bad!" "Not so bad either, for I- have gained double.'' "That is good ! " • '.' Not so good either, for the person to whom T entrusted it has decamped. 3 * l - ( That is bad ! " " Not so bad either, foe my wife has gone with