FACETIE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 122, 9 June 1870, Page 7

F A C E T I E.

Moving for a new trial — Courting a second wife.

Why is a new-born baby like a cow's tail ? Because it was never seen before*

" Was the play so very affecting?" " I should think it was ) there wasn t a dry tear in the gallery."

Every plain girl has one consolation ; though not a pretty young lady, she will, if she lives, be a pretty old one.

" There, John, that's twice you have come home and forgotten that lard." " Really, mother, it is so greasy that it slipped my mind." "I never betrayed a friend's confidence," said one lady to another by way of insinuation. "Very true," was the answer, "for you were never entrusted with it."

"Pa," said a lad to his father^ "I often read of people poor but honest ; why donH they sometimes say rich but honest ? " "Tut, tut, my son, rt said the father, " nobody would believe them." A correspondent offers his services as a letter-writer, and warrants his epistles to " start a parent's tear, stir the expiring embers of waning affection, and awaken tlie full ecstacy of a lover's heart." The "small sewing machine" which some rascal in New York sends to those people who respond to his advertisment by inclosing him one dollar, is a shoemaker's awl, worth about 15 cents.

"Nehemiah, compare the adjective cold," said a schoolmistress to her head boj'. '■ Positive cold, comparative cough, superlative coffin," triumphantly responded Nehemiah. A contemporary gives reasons for not publishing a poetic effusion as follows :—: — " The rytlim sounds like pumpkins rolling over a barn floor, while some lines appear to have been measured with a yard-stick, and otheTs with a ten-foot pole "

An officer in the army of Henry IV. , of France, who commanded a regiment very ill clothed, seeing a party of the enemy advancing, who appeared newly equipped, said to Ms soldiers, " There, my brave fellows, go and clothe yourselves."

" Sir, you are a fool 1 " " Do you call me a fool, sir ? " " Yes, sir ! " " You do sir 1 " " Yes, sir ; I would call any man a fool who behaves as you do." "Oh ! you would call any man a fool. Then I cannot consider it personaL I wish you good morning, sir." A Western editor relates that he once stopped at a restaurant in Washington, and noticing that the waiter was uncommonly sober, asked him if he was sick. " Yes," said he, very curtly, "I is." "What's the matter?" "Why, sir, Washin'ton's the wus place ever I see. When it's dry you can't see where yore gwine, and when it's wet you can't go." A Quaker had his broad-brim blown off, and chased it for a long time with fruitless zeal. At last, seeing a boy laughing at his disaster, he said to him, "Art tnou a profane lad?" The youngster replied that he sometimes did a little in that way. "Then," said he, taking a coin from his pocket, "tb.ee may d ;yonder fleeting tile a shilling's worth." Louis XVI., who loved a concise style, met on the road, as he was travelling into the country, a priest, who was riding post ; *and, ordering him to stop, asked hastily, " Whence come you 1 Whore are you gojngf 1 What do you want 1" The other, who perfectly knew the King's disposition, instantly replied, '* From Bruges. To Paris. A benefice."

One of the coolest advertisements we have ever met is the notice of the opening of a new cemetery by a certain curch society, published in a late issue of a village paper, in which they parade the fact that they had laid out some new beds, and praised their ground as a good*' resting place," and ask for the patronage of their friends.

" Sow do you like the looks of the varmint ?" asked an Arkansan of a Down Easter, who was gazing with distended eyes at an alligator with, open jaws on the banks of the Mississippi. " Wai," responded the Yankee-, recovering his mental equipoise, " he ain't what we call a handsome crittur, but he's a deal of openess when he smiles." A gentleman in Mayence gave his servant maid the following " character " the other day : — " The bearer has been in my house one year— minus eleven months. During that time she has shown herself diligent— at the house door"; frugal -in work ; mindful — of herself"; prompt — in excuses ; friendly-^-toward3 men ; faithful — to her lovers ; and honest^-when •everything had vanished."

Singular evidence of a practical, mmd t was lately displayed by a French baron. This gentleman, who was engaged to be ; married to a widow, a. young aiiel charming, countess, ■who stood high in the estimation of the Emperor, requested, as a great favour, that the title of count might be> conferred -upon him. " I see," said the sovereign, "your future wifedoes not wish to have for a husband a man inferior in rank to his predecesor." " No, sire," was the reply, " it ia not that. The fact is, that all her plate and linen •are marked with the late count's coronet ; and "as our initials are the same, if I were -a coUut there would be no need. for any?thing to^eire-mSrked." '