FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 121, 2 June 1870, Page 7

FACETIAE.

A girl at school would like to have two birthdays in a year. When she becomes a woman, she objects to have even one. What is the height of imagination 1 — Having dined at a tavern, to imagine you paid the waiter, and for him to suppose so too. An encouraging view of life is taken by a lay preacher, who says: "Life is a cornedy — no, a lurid melodrama, all aglare with perdition." He evidently sees it from the pit. An American paper says : " Wanted, at this office, an editor who can please everybody. Also a foreman who can so arrange the paper as to allow every man's advertisement to head the column." "Pat, do you love your country?" " Yes yer honour." "What's the bea thing about ould Irland, Pat V ' ' The whisky, yer honour." "Ah, I see Pat, with all your faults you love her still." "I didn't like our minister' 3 sermon last Sunday," said a deacon, who' had slept all sermon time, to a brother deacon. "Didn't like it, Brother A.? "Why, I saw you nodding assent to every proposition of the speaker." " When will mother get home 1" cried a child, bursting into tears. " She will be home after dinner," was the reply '"' After dinner ! then let us eat dinner now," he returned, growing bright at the overcome difficulty. A gentleman was walking along the Birkenhead Docks recently, when his attention was directed to the floating church. "Ah," he exclamed, " I see it's lii^h or low church, according to the state of "the tide." A gentleman learned in the origin of social customs was asked what was the meaning of casting an old shoe after a newly-married couple as they started on their trip 1 Said he — " To indicate that the chances of happiness in matrimony are slipper-y." Amiable mother : "Here, Tommy, is some nice castor oil, with orange peel in it." Doctor: " JSfow rember, don't give it all to Tommy : leave some for me." Tommy (who has been there before) : " Doctor's a nice man, ma ; give it all to the doctor." A magniloquent colonel of on© of the Bengal regiments \ras recently complaining at an evening party that from the ignorance and inattention of the officers he was obliged to do the whole duty of the regiment. Said he, "T an my own major, my own captain, my own lieutenant, my own ensign, my own sergant, and " "Your own trumpter," aaid a lady present. While the Legislature of Maine was vacillating over the question of attending the Pcabody funeral, a respectable member from the back country said:— "Mr Speaker, I am disgusted with the conduct of this house. This funeral at Portland is going to be a great affair ; but when I see this house a-tettering and a-see-sawing as if it didn't know its own mind, I declare I wish Mr Peabody hadn't died!" The following curious epitaph, it is said may be found in the churchyard at Pentewan, Cornwall: In this here grave you see beforee Lies berried up a desmal story; A young maiden, she wor crossed in love, .And tooken to the realms above. And be that crossed her, I should say, Deserves to go the tother way. The "Liberte" indulges in a sarcastic description of China as the land of anomlies, " where the roses have no smell, the women no petticoats, the labourer no day of rest, and the magistrates no fustic — the roads are without carriages and the boats •without keels — old men fly kites, the compass points to the south, and the greatest sign of eof usion a mail can exhibit is to scratch the sole of his foct. The place of hoiour is on the left hand, and the seat of intelligence in the stomach ; to take off one's hat to a man is an insult — lastly, it is a land which possesses a literature without an alphabet, and a language without a grammar." Jn the early period of the history of Methodism, some of Wesley's opponents, in the excess of their zeal, took up a whole waggon-load of Methodists and carried them before a magistrate. When they were asked what the persons had done there was an awkward silence. At last one of the accusers said, "Why, they pretend to be better than other people ; and, besides, they pray from morning till night." The magistrate asked if they had done anything else. " Yes, sir," said an old man, "ant please your worship they converted my wife ; till she went among them she had an awful tongue, and now she is as quiet as a lamb. "Carry them back," said the magistrate, "and let them convert all the scolds in the town." When a man believes anything absolutely, it is always pleasant to see him make an ocular demonstration of his faith. At Algona, lowa, one Mrs Ingham was appointed to deliver the oration last Independence Day. So she carried her infant and her husband into the assembly of the people, and while she occupied the platform Mr Ingham meekly held the baby! Probably arrangements were made which prevented the child from yearning for the "maternal fount ;" or perhaps, as Mr Chick observes in " Dombey and Son," "something temporary was done with a tea-pot." Mr Ingham is said to have been " very proud of his wife's success" on the occasion. We think he had more reason to be proud of his own, for it wad an essay in a. harder field.—" New York Tribune*"