FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 111, 24 March 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

Working for Bare Life— Making clothes for a young baby.

Saluting the Flag. — The penalty of treading on orange-peel on the pavement. An American wedding is thus announced : — No cards. Presents, 5000 dollars. Special trains. Letters from Grant, Sheridan, and Sherman.

Avoid arguments with ladies. In spinning yarns amongst silks and satins a man is sure to be worsted and twisted ; he may consider himself as wound up. Miss Lucy advertises in a Mississippi paper that she " is of good birth and education, and is willing to marry an editor, believing herself able to support one." A late Cincinnati jury had among its members a man who had been in the penitentiary for robbery and the man whom he had robbed. All "good men and true."

A young gentleman from the ''rooral districts," who advertised for a wife through the newspapers, received answers from eighteen husbands, informing him he could have theirs.

Two rival belles met at a ball. " Hott well you look under candle-light," exclaimed one, with a stress on the candle. " And how charming you look in the dark !" answered the other.

At a young ladies' seminary, during an examination in history, one of the pupils was thus interrogated :—": — " Mary, did Martin Luther die a natural death?" "No," was the prompt reply, ; "he was o*rimunicated by a bull." A " Girl of the period " comments thus upon Mormonism : " How absurd — four or five wives for one man ; when the fact is, in these times each woman ought to have four or fiva husbands. It would take about that number to support her decently."

A thick-headed English squire, on being worsted by the Rev. Sydney Smith in an argument, tqok his revenge by exclaiming :—": — " If I had a son who was an idiot I would make him a parson. " "Very likely," exclaimed Sydney ; " but I see your father was of a different opinion." Harry : " Look, mother, Tommy has put the kitten into the frying-pan." Angry mother : " What do you mean by doing that, boy ? " Tommy (\yhining) : " I wanted to see the effect of your favourite saying, 'Out of the frying-pan into the fire.' " Tommy goes to bed supperless.

"Pa, what is fi-cation?" "There is no such word as fi-cation, my son," says the father ; "what do you ask that for?" " Why, pa, Mr. Badger says that the French are building forty fi-cations in Mexico." "Charles," says the father, " you had better run home ; you are too young to understand war matters."

" Such is the pressure of the times in our town," said a Birmingham manufacturer to his agent in London, "that we have good workmen who will get up the inside of a watch for eighteen shillings. " " Pooh 1 that is nothing compared to London," replied his friend ; "we have boys here who will get up the inside of a chimney for sixpence ! " Dr. Hinchcliffe, who died Bishop of Peterborough, was apt at checking those who were fond of cavilling at the meaning of different texts of Scripture. On being asked one day what was to be understood by the expression, " He clothed himself with curses as "with' a garment," "The clearest thing in the world," repjied the doctor ; " the man had a habit of swearing."

Fanny Fern says :—": — " A woman by taking a big basket in her hand, leaving her hoops at home, and pinning an old shawl over her head and tying a calico apron round her waist, may walk unmolested at any hour in the evening. I knqw it, because I have tried it when I felt like taking a ' prowl ' all alone, and a gqod ' think ' without every puppy saying at every step, ' A pleasant evening, miss.' "

A good story is told of a doctor who was somewhat of a wag. He met one day in the street a sexton with whom he was acquainted. As the usual salutations were passed the doctor happened to cough. " Why, doctor," said the sexton, " you have got a cold ; how long have you had that ?" " Look here, Mr. Sexton," said • the doctor, with a show of indignation, "what is your charge for interments?" " Ten dollars," was the reply. " Well," continued he, " just come into my surgery and I will pay it. I don't want to Have you calling round, and so anxious about my health." The sexton was sqon even with him, however. Turning round to the doctor, he replied, " Ah, doctor, I cannot afford to bury you yet. Business was never so good as it has been since you began to practice." Since the above conversation neither party has ventured to joke at the expense of the other.