FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 95, 4 December 1869, Page 6

FACETIÆ .

A Bar-gain — A bairister's fee. A Crrsial Grhost — A gbtss shade. A Book all Title Pages -The Peerage. A Sentence in the Language of Flowers. — Jf you vrish for " Heart's ea<e," never look to •• Mnrry gold." His Other Kamp. — " Boy, what is your name ? ' — " "Robert, sir." \ £ Yes, but I mean your other name." — X Bob, sir." A Common Complaint —A man in Manchester hns got so deep into debt that not one of his creditors has been able to see him for months. The Fashions. — Lowe dresses ace not lalcoly io go out until t'ae present Chancellor of the Exchequer does. Relations between England and America — Tour mother-in-lfuv ntid deceased wile's sister on their way to New York. I A Groldeu thought — Children in their cradles are sometimes said to Je "as pood sis gold," but Auatiaban nigge.s general'y ] rjfer the gold in their cradles. Fashionable Habit. —" Le Follet " announces that " Open bodies are very fashionable." This is a healthy fashion, at any rate. ' Heehaw! — That idnt Jones, who n!- . ways '' will have his joke," ferms Ihe panniei s in which his children, ride on the faniih donkey, the •• Wicker of Bray, " Mrs. fiatnsbotham Junior. — An Eaton boy, her nephew, told her that when mythological pagans died they were turned into stars, as, for example, Oriori. "Ah!" said Airs. Ram sbotham, junior, " it must fiave been a great constellation to the survivors." Too Severe ! — A contemporary states that a patent has been taken out in America fov the manufacture of waterproof paper, and adds, ' ' It will be no uncommon thing by and bye to carry a quart of milk home in a paper It is v very odd that the notion of a "*** wafer-proof bag should nt once suggesc to a Londoner that it will do to carry milk. Re-assuring, — Nervous old lady (band in the distance) — '' Oh, there are those dx'eadful volunteers, Joseph ! I know the hcrse will take fright ! Hadn't you better turn him round ?" Coachman (who will have his own vay) — " Oh, let 'im alone, 'm ; he'll soon turn 'itself round, and pretly quit-It too, it he's frightened!" Hadn't Time. —An itinerant merchant, meeting one of his @vm fraternity the other day, whose pony might be considered a beautifi 1 specimen of a skeleton, remonstrated with the owner, and asked him if ho ever fed him " Ever fed him ! — that's a good un," was the reply.' " He's got a bushel and a half of oats at home now, only he ha'n't got no time to 8-ifc 'ein." ' " Sambo, is your massa a good firmer ?" " Oh, yes, massa ius-vale farmer— lie make two crops in one year." " How is that, Sambo?"* " Why.'you see, he sells all his hay in the fall, and make money once; de.n in de spring he sell de hides of a.l de cattle that die for want of de hay, and muke msney twice — flat's two crops." A negro had a severe attack of rheumatism, which finally settled in his foot. He bathed it, and rubbed it, but to no purpose. Finally, tearing the bandage off, he stuck it out with a savage grin, and shaking his fist at it, exclaimed, " Ache away, dnar old feller ; I shan't do nothing mure for yer ; dis child," said he, tapping his breast, " can stand it as long as you cau, so ac-lie away." -' Let Good Things Go Round— "teller coders," said a newlk-elec;t< d lieutenant of the militia, " I am all-fired obi ged to you for this ahove-up in the ranks you have given me. Feller soger-, 1 am not going to forget your kindness soon, not by a darned sight ; and I'll tell j'ou what it, is, I'll stick to, my post like pitch to a pine board, so long a< there's peace ; but as I y.o in. for rotation in office, and if we should come to blows with the Bi'itieh, darned if I don't resign right off, and give every feller a, fair shade for fame and glory." ' Anecdots of General She man. — When General Sherman was in command at Benton Barracks, St. Louis, he was in the habit of visiting every part of them, and making himself familiar everything that was going ' .on. He wore an old brown coat and a " stovepipe hat," and was not generally recognised by the minor officials or the soldiers. One day. while working through the grounds, he met with a soldier who wsis unmercifully beating a mule. " Stop pounding that mule," said -the general, "deteouil" said the soldier," in blissful ignorance of the person to whom he was speaking. " I tell you to stop,'' ,— reiterated the general. " You mind your business, and J'U mind mine," replied the soldier, continuing his flank movement upon the mule. "I 1 ell you again to stop !" said the gene-al. "Do you' know who I am? J am General Sherman." — " That's played out !" said the soldier. " Every man who k. comes along here with an old brown crat and a stove-pipe hat plaims to be General Sher- / man." 1 Purchaser of the Olden time. — At a remote • ' period an old woman stepped into a cheese- * dealer's shop not a' hundred miles from the cross of " Auld Bailie," and enquired, " Hae ye ony quid cheese the day ?" '' Ou ay." " Let's pree't." a small piece was held out to her on the end of a formidable knife to pree, when she immediately gave two loud smacks with her mouth and vociferated — <s Nu, that'll no dae ; I hae mair skill o' cheese than a' that conies rae." " Aweel, aweel," said the 'storekeeper, who was well kno>vn afc that time by the 6obriqunt of *' honest Jamie" — I hae plenty mair," the merchant being Void "of the mo'lern counter polish. Another pieca was handed to her in the same style, when she exclaims — " Ou ay, that's something like the tliir.g." " Aweel, aweel, Mrs., hoo muckle Sj&'ye "want?" The order, of course, was \ sihel}, and very soon executed, when off she aefi/ po doubt highly pleased with her- clever transaction. An old acquaintance being in ] the shop at the time, tooa' occasion to twit «|amie thus -" That one's §jt. for you." When &c immediately retorted, " Aweel, aweel, she i&ajistgofc a bit afif (h,e tothe? half of the

-" That's played