FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 84, 18 September 1869, Page 6

FACETIÆ.

A straping fellow— The schoolmaster. What givea a cold, cures a cold,and pays the doctor ? — A draught. Duty. — What England expects from every man. but would be surprised at irom any woman. Sealing wax of all colonrs easily dissolves in strong alcohol, and forms an excellent varnish for small ornaments. What is the difference between a spendthrift and a feather-bed ? One is hard up, and the other is soft down. Beauties generally die old maids . Thegr set such a value on themselves, that they 4on't find a purchaser iintil the market is glosed. An lowa man telegraphed thus to an Illinois sheriff :—" Arrest C. F. W , eloping with my wife. Owes me a 100 dollars. If lie pays, let him go." When is it dangerous to go to church ] Yy 7 hen the organist is drowning the choir, and a great gun in the pulpit is firing a. way at the congregation. Lost the Plate and Won a Heat. — A jockey, Avho incautiously burned his finger by taking up his toast from the tire, and broke his plafce by letting it fall, observed that it was too bad to lose the plate after paving Avon the heat. 4. Wise Madman. — A lunatic in Bedlam was asked how he came there. He anpwered, "By a dispute." What dispute 1" The Bedlamite replied, "The •world said I was mad ; I said the world AYas mad, and they outwitted me." A, Signature. — Everybody has heard of the lazy fellow named Jack Hole, Avho signed his name by writing a big J. , and then making a hole through the paper for * ( Hole." This original was imitated the other day by a smart boy in the Scotch college, who, having to write Dr. Colenso's name, did so in the f ollowing , extraordinary manner : — Bishop : so. Bringing in a Voter. — One of the physicians of Burlington, Vermont, driving into town election morning, was met by a friend, who hailed him with the question if he had voted. "Not yet," said the doctor ; " but I been out all night after a voter. I got him safe, too." " When will he vote V "Oh, about 21 years from now." — American Paper. A Providence merchant went out a velocipede riding a few day 3 ago. Desirous to show his skill in turning a corner, he put on too much speed, turned the guide post the wrong way, and went into a shop window, cut his nose, frightened the customers, was arrested, taken away from his bicycle, and paid 125 dols. damages, recovered hi 3 steed, and rode home a sadder if not a wiser man. " Kringle," in the Schenectady "Star," thus give 3 his views of the Velose : — " The filosipede at first sight looks very much as iho' it wnzzenb all thare, and I told K.usick wen I fust saw it that ef he'd go and get the box and the rest of the -wheels I'd preceed to business ; but the darned thing atandin' thor agin a post, looked like a livery rig that had been druv straddle of a rail fence five miles tew town by some adventurous sport." Mrs Olive Logan in a speech at the Brooklyn's woman's meeting, said :—"I: — "I reject the trousers with contempt and scorn. Men cut a sufficiently ridiculous figure in them themselves. The trouble is they don't like their own costume, and are envious of our L*ce3, jewellery, frills, and dresses. ' Trousers, forsooth, trousers,?' Shake not the ridiculous garment at me. No ; so long as we can have our silks, satins, and shawls, we will repudiate your absurd bifurcated unwhisperables. Look at your swallow-tail coats, stovepipe hats ; and you Avear your hair so short, some of you, that you look precisely like monkeys, and I don't wonder that one of your number has written a book showing that animal to be the father of his race." This speech was greeted y/ith roars of laughtar and applause.

Too Bad. — A Boston exchange is responsible for the following story : — A ahorfe time since a man appeared at the Boston Oity Hall, requesting an interview with the Chief of tho Police. "What can I do for you-?" "Yes." <*Can I speak to you privately'?"— apeak out!" 'MVill no one hear via?" S< K«>." "Are you sure?" "Yes." $< Well then, listen. A3 i \y;\o crossing tho Common last night, about twelve o'clock, I saw a, woman approach the |.ond with a. baby in her arms, looking Carefully ronnil all the while to see if she was followed, and then, Avheu right at the edge, stopped and " "Threw {he child into the frog pond !" c xclairned ihe appalled officer, his fago white with jioCTor. "No/ repJigd his. yisifcor: