FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 83, 11 September 1869, Page 6

FACETIÆ.

— " Ow quiet we are 'ere, " Yes ; one might almost hear 'h ' drop." Snobbleton has since been. Hscovered wandering about disconsolate. ■A certain doctor U3ed to cook into all sorts of roots and herbs, .ondtry them on his wife. If they didn't kill fier he was leady for his other patients. \ A bashful printer refused a situation in a printing-office -where females aye employed, saying he could never set up with i &, girl in his life. k Young man, your bride mnsfc be won Hbefore marriage, but ' you must be both w afterwards. used to say, "The most accomway of 'using books is to serve most people do lord3 — learn their brag of their acquaintance." wit said of a man who was fat, that nature only made show how far the human skin B^Hld stretch without breaking. A Yankee editor, observing that the census embraces seventeen million women, asks, " Who wouldn't be a census ?" A French conundrum is : Why. is an English journalist happier than a king? Because he chooses his subjects. A gentleman presented a lace collar to the object of his adoration, and, a jocular way, said, a Do nob let any one elseriimyleib." "No, dear," said the lady, " I will take it off." . Temperance puts wood on the fire, Hueal in the barrel, flour in the tub, money credid in the country, conin the house, clothes on the vigour in the body, intelligence and spirit in the whole conIrishman was examining some when a beautiful girl who c party exclaimed, "Oh, sir, never come to perfection ! " then," said he, gently taking and walking towards the perfection to the pear ! " always to take me out said a wife. " You say happiness was born a "Ifca, lore ; but not a Siamese HPn," said the brute. How are you, John ? I'm deuced glad to see you. "Very well, Charley. Come and take a drink, old fellow. Tisn't

often we meet." " That's a fact, John ir and when we do it's meet and drink." A sailor passing through a graveyard, paw on one of the tombatonea, " 1 still live." This was too much for Jack, who, shifting his quid, ejaculated, " Well, I've Jieard say that there are cases in which man may lie, but, if I was deskd, I'd own it." Thackeray, when speamng about fame, ■prcmld fretjnenbljr bell the folloTriri™- anecdote : — When at dinner at St. Louis one day he heard one waiter say to another, «Do you know who that is V 1 « No," was the answer. " That is the celebrated Mr Thackeray. " ' ' What has he done ?" il Blessed if I know," was the reply. A handsome young widow applied to a physician to relieve her of three distressing gomplaints with which she was affected. ?' In fchs first p}ace, " saiti she, I have little or no appetite. What shall I take for that ]" " For that madam you should take air and exercise." " And, doctor, lam quite fidgety at night-time and afraid to •he alono. What shall I take for that V *' For that madam I can only recommend that you take a husband." " Fie, doctor. But I have the blues terribly. What phalli take for that ;" " For that, madam, .you have, besides taking air and a husband, |p take a newspaper. " A tolerably smart " mot " is attributed to the present Foreign Minister. Mr Sumner, after living to an advanced age a bachelor, married, three years since, a

young widow of^ great personal attractions. Recently the man and wife have, on the ground of incompatibility of temper, 'separated. Lord Clarendon being asked •what impression Mr Sumner'a late speech had upon him, answered, " Z have, read it, sir, with much interest, and have formed from it a very high opuron of — Mrs Sumner " .Two waggist residents of Daylesford, wW laboured under a marked impediment of speech, met by chance in the bar of an hotel. A dispute having arisen between them a 8 to which has the greatest difficulty in pronouncing his words, the tallgr tff the two clinched hia argument as follbws :: — '• I'll t-t-tell you w-w-whafc ; I'll .st-st-stutter you for a pound." A correspondent of the " Mercury " thinks, after; the Parliamentary revelations, that the verb to " stutt-er" is likely to find a permanent place in oar political vocabulary as a synonym for manipulating the Land Office. The.following is said to be a -graphic j description of China :— A country where the ros£s have no fragrance, aud the women 119 pet+icoats ; where the labourer has no ifSabbath, and the magistrate no sense of honour ; AvheTe tho roads beat no vehicles, and 'the ships no keels ; where old, men $y kites ; where the needle points to the south, and the sign of being puzzled iff to scratch the antipodes of the Jjead 5 wtyere the place of honour is on the left hand, and the seat of intellect in the stomach ; where to take off your hat is to. insolent gesture, and to wear white garments i| to put yourself in mourning ; which has a literature without an alphaJtetl tHt4*4fH$ ii l as*a 5* WJthont a grammar.