FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 79, 14 August 1869, Page 6

FACET IÆ .

The Press, the Pulpit, and Petticoats — the three ruling powers of the day. The first spreads knowledge, the second spreads morals, and the last Bpreads considerably. One cannot believe the kiss of a pretty girl is so delicious till he has it from her own lips. The young lady who broke so many young men's hearts hes been bouad in the bonds of matrimony to keep the peace. Kate was lalking glowingly about loveapples. "That's strange," exclaimed Ciiarlie, ncr accepted lover' " ~vnij should Woe be associated with wppifcs ? On the contrary, I thought that love always went in pairs.' Kate smiled Approvingly. There are two periods in the life of man, at which he is too wise to tell woman the exact truth; when ho is in love — and when he isn't. "Woman knows the value of most things, and is always ready to exchange them when the rate is in her favour. See how quickly a woman's name is given up for a man's. If you put two persona to sleep in the same bedroom, one of whom has' the toothache, and the other is in love, you will find that the person who haa the toothache will go to sleep first. "How many children have I?'' asked a woman of a spirit-rapper. "Four." — " And how many have 1?" asked her husband. — " Two," was the astonishing reply. Mistake somewhere. " Why did you leave your last place ?" inquired a young housekeeper about to engage a new servant. " Why, you see, ma'am," replied the applicant, I was too good looking ; and when I opened the door the governor sometimes took me for the missus." A certain doctor used to cook into medicines all sorts of roots and herbs, and try them on. his wife. If they didn'fc kill her he was ready for his other patients. Josh Billings says;—*" If a man professes to serve the Lord, I like to see him do it when he measures onions, as well as when he hollers ' glory halleuyer !' " This remark will apply to more transactions than measuring onions. Fighting it Out on That Line. — A romantic pair, not more than a thousand miles from New York, were blessed with a number of daughters. The eldest was called CaroMwe, the second Madeline, the third EveZme, the fourth Angeline, when lo —the fifth made its appearance, and no name could be found with the desired termination. At length mamma, who had been reading of the fashions at Saratoga, pounced upon a name very popular there, and forwith the baby was baptized — Grnxolint. A Funny Doctor. — Very much against his will, Dr. Chapman was made a vestryman in his parish church, and one of his duties was to pass the plate for contribution at the morning service. He presented it with great politeness and becoming gravity to the gentleman at the head of the pew nearest the chancel, who was not disposed to contribute. The faithful collector, nothing daunted, held the plate to him and bowed, as if he would urge him to think the matter over and give ' something, a little something, and refused to go on until he had seen his silver on the plate. In this way he proceeded down the aisle, victimising every man till he came to the pew nearest the door, where sat an aged coloured woman. To his surprise she laid down a piece of gold. — " Dear me?" said the astonished doctor, "You must be a Guinea nigger." They never troubled the doctor to go round with the plats after that. The following is taken, from an. advertisement of Dr. X 'a liver-encour-aging, silent pemmbulatory family pills : — " This pill is as mild as a pet lamb, as searching as a small-tooth comb, and don't «o fooling about. It attends strictly to ushtefs. and is as certain as an al%rmdock/ .