FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 73, 3 July 1869, Page 6

FACE T I Æ .

O A man in the streets of Paris offers to pell for a trifling sum to the passers-by portraits (secured from view by an envelope) of three persons whom, he says to the spectators, "you know, love, and esteem. If dissatisfied with the portraits, you can have the money returned with a bonus of twenty francs." The purchasers finds the portraits are those of the Emperor, Empress, and Prince Imperial; and as it is a penal offence to speak disrespectfully of either of them, there are very few claimancs of the twenty francs. " In composing, as a general rule," said Sydney Smith, " run your pen through every other word you have written ; you have no idea what vigour it will give to your style 1" The people live uncommonly long in Vermont. There are two men there so old that they have quite forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alive who can remember it for them. At an examination of some girl/ for the rite of confirmation, in answer to the question, c What is the outward and visible sign and form in baptism V one of them - implied, " The baby, sir. " It has been observed that when the ash tree opens in leaf before the oak a wet aummer usually follows ; and when the oak tr,e« opeiis its leaf the first it ia pxophetical of a dry summer. "No man," said a wealthy but weakheaded barrister, " should be admitted to the bar who hadn't an independent landed property." " May I ask, sir," said Curran, " how many acres make a wise-acre 1" --^ Penalties. — The penalty of buyiDg Mmeap clothes is the same as that of going to law, the certainty of losing your suit, - and having to pay for it. The penalty of -marrying is a mother-in-law. The penalty of remaining single, is having no one who ..'•'cares a button" for you, as is abun*dantly proved by the state of your shirts. Taking him Down. — When Abernethy was canvassing for the office of surgeon to St Bartholomew's Hospital, he called up. on a rich grocer. The great man addressing him, said, "I suppose, sir, you want my vote and interest at this momentous epoch of your life 1" "Nol don't," said Abernethy ; " I want a penny worth of tigs. Come look sharp and wrap them up! I want to be off." Lord Broadlands asked Mr Justice Mellow of convivial memory, if there was any truth in that old saying, " As sober as a judge ?" — " It is perfectly true, " re- • plied the judge, "as most of these old saws are. They were characteristic, at least ;'for soberity is the attribute of a judge, as inebriety is of a nobleman. Thus we say, ' As sober as ajudge,' and 14s drunk as a Lord !' " "I weeded my friends, " said an old eccentric gentleman, " by banging a piece of stair-carpet out of my first-floor window, with a sheriff's sale bill affixed. Gatl ! it had the desired effect — I soon saw who were my friends. It was like firing a gun near a pigeon-house ; they all forsook the building at the first report, and I have not had occasion to use extra flaps of my fining-table since. " " No Irish Need Apply." (A Fact)— Maid — " If you please, ma'am, I wish to leave immediately." Mistress — "Why?" Maid — " When. I took the place, ma'am. I was not aware that master waa Irish — my friends would never forgive me if I took Service in an Irish family." Mistress — v But you came to us from the Marquis of BaUmaloney's !" Maid — " Yes, ma'am, but his lordship was never at home while I was there." Something like a Teetotaler. — A rather eccentric minister, whose name is not unknown in Scotland, was preaching on the ~ tierie&fe* os. abstinence from intoxicating liquors. He" Jjuddenly stopped in bis J argument, and s\id "Weal, mafreens, for a r this, ye may bdsayn' amo' yerselfs that I wud tak a drap like ither folk, gin I had it in my power. But I declare tae ye that, although ye pat me into a cask amon't, I would preach temperance tae ye out at the bung hole." Japanese Marriage — A very singular custom at the marriage of the Japanese, is. that the teeth of the bride are made black by some, corrosive liquid. The teeth remain black ever after, and serve to show that the wonaan is married or a widow. Another cy&amstance is, at the birth of every $&ajjffio plant a tree in the garden or cou^JPl'rd, which attains its full growth in as majttjjjrears aj3 a man requires to be matu^fpf the duties of marriage. When hs merles, the tree is cut down, and the wjjo^-ia made into chest and boxes to contasm the clothes and other things wich are made for the. new married couple. The Japanese ffiay J marry as often as they please* j i^riages with sisters are prothey can marry any other