FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 72, 26 June 1869, Page 5

FACE T IÆ .

Domestic Incident. — Paterfamilias, •while perusing Ms " Mining Journal " the other day, happened by accident to read aloud the beginning of a paragraph about "an improved form of clack-valve." " My dear," said his wife, gravely and with dignity, "if the comic papers can find nothing better to do than to talk about women's tongues, I would rather you should keep them at your office !" Paterfamilias was silent ; but as it was observed that he thrust his pockethandkerchief into his mouth to suffocation point, his silence is attributed less to remorse than to suppressed laughter. The Lord and the Piper. — "The stately step of a piper " is a proverb in Scotland which reminds us of an anecdote of a certain noble lord when in attendance upon the Queen at Balmoral a few years ago. Having been commissioned by a friend to procure a performer on the pipes, lie applied to her Majesty's piper, a fine stalwart Highlandman. ; and ' on being asked what kind of article was required ; his lordship said in reply, *' Jnst another like yourself.." The consequential Celt readily exclaimed, "There are plenty of lords like yoursel, but very few sic pipers as me." Just so ! —Agreeable youth ;; — '• Well, old Chawbacon, you sow, but we reap !" Old Chawbacon :—": — " Very loike, gen'l' man, I be sowin' hemp !" Life is good deal like a pair of trousers — the comfort increases as the shine wears away. It is said that when a Russian husband neglects to beat his wife for a month or two, she begins to get alarmed at his indifference. " You need a little sun and air," said a doctor to a maiden patient. "If I do," was the 'cute reply, " I'll wait till I get a husband." " American paper." Our grandmothers, Whiffler remarks, patronised coal scuttle bonnets. Our sweethearts beat this — their bonnets have scuttled off altogether. Perpetual curates are abolished. In name only we fear ; otherwise this would be good news for all those deserving clergymen who toil on year after year, and never obtain a living. — " Punch." A Devonshire farmer, whose, orchards are laden with fruit, was heard to say the other day that he had never witnessed such a falling off in the apple crop — when you shake the trees. — " Fun." The "Orchestra" says that Mdlle Patti's recent benefit having, it is asserted, realised £1,200, Mr. Louis Leroy, a French Babbage, has calculated that each note she uttered realised three-half-pence. The editor of a French paper, io speaking of the dedication of a new cemetery near Lyons, said that " M. Gascoignehad the pleasure of being the first individual who was buried in this delightful retreat." Hon. James Howe dined with the Duke of Buckingham, and at a desert Joe peeled an orange and was about to eat it, when the Duke asked him why the orange he held in his hand resembled the union of provinces — the dominion of Canada? Joe gave it up, and the buke said, " Because it coiild not be repealed." " How is it, my dear, ihafe you 'have never kindled a flame in the bosom of any man 1" said an old lady to a pretty niece ■who was portionless. To which the young lady replied, "The reason, dear aunt, is, as you well know, that I am not a good match." A gentleman in Albany was arrested . lately for following a lady in the staeet. He claimed that a man had a right to admire a handsome woman,' let him meet her where he might. The court, and the lady herself agreed tp this, and the gentleman was discharged. There are an immense number 1 of American slang terms for intoxication. The latest of these occurs in a recent New Orleans paper. A reporter speaking of the arrest of a woman who was " raising a row" in the streets, says that " she was deeply agitated with benzine." „ Situation not Wanted. — (A fact.) Lady's Maid (come after a place) : "I beg your pardon, Mm, but was you the lady I was to attend?" Lady Mary: "Yes." Lady's Maid : "0, then, I think I was best say good morning. There isn't the style I have been accustomed to." [Exit] "Punch."

There is an anecdote of an honest Irishman whose mingled sense of the duty of gratitude and the awkwardness of obligation found vent in characteristic aspira tion. " Oh, that 1 could see yer honour knocked down: in a fight ! Sure, and wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue 3"

The following is' Josh Billing's notion of a thoroughbred, gentleman : " A bobtail coat, a pennie papur koller, a white kotton weskit, yaller trousers wichout any cloth into the legs, shiny lether boots, a pair of yaller gloves, and inside of 'em all a thing got up in imitation of a man, but, as the kounterfeiters say, poorly executed, and not kalkerlated to deserve. Mustash indispensabul, and branes onnecessary. Fine specimens on exhibition."