FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 70, 12 June 1869, Page 6

FACETIÆ.

A female recently paraded the streets .of Chicago, exhibiting above a pair of ptout anlfles a skirt upon which the indelible brand of the miller was still visible, "ninetyrsix pounds, extra superfine — warranted, and put , up expressly for family use." An urchin crawled into a sugar hogshead at a steam boat landing. His first exclamation was, " Oh, for a thousand tongues." A savant) whose wife has a high temper, being applied to by a committee -lor information as to the best method of pre- j venting being blown up by a steam boiler, said with a sigh, "Ah gentlemen, this is of small consequence ; but I should i consider it a great boon if some one would discover a method whereby a man could escape being blown up by his' wife.?' Whatever may be the end of man, there pan be no doubt when we see those long trains gracefully sweeping the floors and roads, that the end of woman is — "Dust." Why is a thief a kind of philosopher ? — because he regards everything from an abstract point of view, is opposed to ail motions of protection, and is open to con- j viction. At a Printer's Festival held in Lowell Mass., the following toast was presented : j_i"Xhe Printer,' 1 the master of all trades ; he. ■ beats the farmer with the Hoe, iihe carpenter with his rules, arid the mason with getting vtp tall columns ; fie surpasses the lawyer and doctor in attending to his cases, and beats the parson jn the management of the ' ' devil. " "Nominate your poison," is the poetical way they have in Indiana of asking you, " What will you drink V ' An American writer says .— " A woman jyill' cling tQ-^j^phostsn pbject of her heart Hfee-st^fSl^iffl' to a gum tiee, and 3£9il*<san't separate her without snapping Btring3 no art can mend, and leaving a portion of Her soul on the upper- leather pf your affections. She will sometimes see something to- loye whero. others see nothing to admire, j and when fondness is once fastened on a fellow, it sticks like glue and treacle in a bushy head of hair." ' Choosing his Profession.— lt was cus : iomary with, a certain, college professor tq inquire of each graduating class what each proposed to be or do in the world. One would be a doctor, one a lawyer, one a merchant, and so on? " And what do you propose to be, Simon?" "I am £oing to be a Pithcopal minister," was the answer of the lisping graduate, " for £hree reasons — first, the Jtfayep are, alTin print, and 1 can read them easily ; second, $he sermons of the Pithcopal ministers are short ; and third, Pithcopal ministers generally marry rich wives." j When trade grew slack, and notes fell i due, the merchant's face grew long" and blue, his dreams were troubled through the night, with sheriff's balfis all "in sight. At last his wife unto him said, 'f Eise up at once, gH; out of bed, and get your papei ink and pen, and say these Ivords unto all men— f My goods I wish to sell to you, and to your wife and daughters too ; my prices are so very low, that each will buy before they go. J jr "He did as his good wife advised," and in- the paper advertised. Crowds came and bought of all he had, his notes were paid, his dreams were glad, and he will tell you |b this day, how well did printers' ink repay. He told us with a knowing wink, ---•how he was saved by printers' ink. ' D. on Ferdinand. —The ' ' Epoque " gives the following anecdote of Don Ferdinand : leaders, of the Spanish revolutionary party "called on the ex-King. The Prince said to them, 'i ( You wish fo make a King of me. Know, then/ that I have already exchanged a crown for a Panama hat ? because the former headdress was a bore." Then pointing out of the window tq some magnificent vineyards, he" said " You see I have turned vine-grower. I make capital wine, which is far better than politics, which often J»urn sour." How to get "woi"k done. — Very late last autumn, a brewer at Essen, Prussia, determined on enlarging his cellars, for which it was necessary, to remove a qon- • siderable quantity "of earth a§ quickly as possible, in orde,r that the work might be finished feefore the winter. He accordingly engaged a good many y men, but yrithout proportional result^ as they were all incorrigibly lazy. Suddenly, however, a new spirit came over them, and they began to work with a will ; every man was at his place before the regular hour, and when the time for breakfast arrived they would hardly spare a mimite even to light a pipe. The brewer looked on, and rubbed his hands with a somewhat roguish expre;-;<on in his eyes. When the necessary depth hart been attained, the men pould hardly- be induced to leave, and were anxious to dig deeper still. And what was the explanation of this curious psychological phenomenon ; the brewer, eunuh^ nan, had buried an old earthen pot r»a««' the surface, containing a slip of parchment bearing an inscription in. antiquated iwlting, of which the, following $a£ jjerve as a translation :— > '* -' Much mtSney here lies buried deep ;