FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 67, 22 May 1869, Page 6

FACE T IÆ.

-= o At Home. — <4 Do make yourselves at home, ladieß," said a lady, one day to her visitors. "I'm at home myself, and I wish you all were /"

Truthful. — " Why do women spend so much time a.nd money on dregs," asked a yjentleman of a belle.—" To worry other K&nien," wag the diabolic but truthful reply. Gems of Thought. — "I suppose you are interested in 'Gems of Thought,' Matilda ?'W Yes, Angelina \ but not so much as in ' Thoughts of Gems.' " Like a Top -^-A man mnchjaddicted to snoring replied to his bedfellow in the morning that he slept " like a top." — "I know it," said the other, "like a humming top." Conundrum. — What is 'the difference between a civilised dinner and a person who subsists at the North Pole ?—Attention, again ! One has his bill of fare, and the other his fill of bear. Too much Regard. — A celebrated wit was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he was much attached.. — " I know no reason," replied he, " except the great regard we have for each other." Mr. Muggins says ihat ihere is no country jn the world where, wives are more worshipped than they are in France, lie Regrets to say, however, that all the adoration cornea from somebody else's liusbaud.

Clever Woman. —The woman who'made a pound of butter from the cream of a joke and a cheese from the milk of human kindness, has since washed the close of a year, and hung *em to dry on a bee line. Numberless, — " Why aren't the organ grinders numbered in this country, same as they are in other countries?" indignantly asked a gentleman just returned from abroad. — " Because they are numberless,"replied one who had never been away from home.

A Settlement. — " When'are you going to settle this bill ?'■'—" We've had a settlement already." - " When ?" — " The last time you called." — '-'How so?" —

♦' Didn't I then tell you that I meant to psttle the bill V— " Yes."—" Very" well, tlien ; wasn't that a settlement V

A beaten politician remarked, as the reason for his defeat in a debate, tjiat his opponent happened to state just the only tiling which he was not prepare.d to meet. ''What was that?" inquired a friend. " The truth," was the reply ; '*' nobody ever lizard of a politician's stating the truth before."

A candidate for Parliament recently sent a pineapple tq an elector of Merthyr. The elector, after a good deal of consideration, asked a friend next day to come and partake of a leg of mutton. The friend accepted the invitation, but was greatly astonished to find that the old miner had boijed the pineapple with the mutton.

An elderly man recently fell dead of apoplexy in the streets of Paris, and on his pockets being searched for the purpose of identification, the card of a certain marquis was found. The son of the marquis was summoned in haste from the Jockey Club, and arriving in great agitation, ne threw himself upon the corpse, embracing it and bathing it -with tears. Suddenly he jumped up, and exclaimed, ♦' By Jove ; it is not my father — it is his corn-cubtery^who happened to. have the marquis's card in his pocket. An Epitaph. — The following was copied literally from an old tombstone in Scotland : — ** Here lies the body of Alexander Map.? pherson, "Who wa» a very extraordinary person ; He was two yards high in his stacking feet, AfldffceiTt his accoutremenUslean and nettt. He was slew * - At the battle of Waterloo, Plumb through • The gullet ; it wert in at his throat, And came out at the back of his, ce»t. M Early Rising.-- -A gentleman from Nevada, being asked by an old lady in relation to the welfare of a favourite scapegrace of a nephew who had. gone to that State, informed her that "the young man had died, from early rising." This puzzled the old lady very much, until, by dint of inquiry, she learned that " early , losing" is the Nevada phrase for hanging.

Penitentiary v. Legislature. — An old; farmer in Ohio, having read that the State Penitentiary cleared 7,QoQdol. during the last year by the labour of the convicts, sat some time in deep thought, and then exclaimed, " 1 think we'd better turn our legislater i^teW penitentiary, by jingo !" — " American £a.p<a?."-Hdalonial papers please copy,) American Advertisement. — The follow* characteristic advertisement appears Bp New York paper : — ".If the party a fancy to my overcoat was inthe inclemency of the weather, if by commercial consjdera-: to negotiate for its re No, 335 West