LEAVES FROM THE LIFE OF A SCAPEGRACE.

Observer, Volume 7, Issue 233, 28 February 1885, Page 10

LEAVES FROM THE LIFE OF A SCAPEGRACE.

THE TEMPERANCE LECTURE AND ITS RESULTS.

(Concluded.) We loft our hero on his way to his hotel, after having been lot out of tho Police Station on bail. He arrived at the hotel without further misadventure, and went straightway to bed, without giving any further consideration to his predicament. On the following morning he was some considerable time making up his mind as to whether he would appear in Court to answer to the charges laid against him, or simply forfeit his bail. After due consideration, he decided that, as nobody who knew him was at all likely to be in the Court, he would appear for the fun of tho thing ! In this our hero showed rather a peculiar idea of fun, but he was rather an extraordinary animal altogether, and belonged to the breed of scapegraces. This will no doubt account for the phenomena. Whenever Jack Larkins went in for what he regarded as fun, he was always very careful to make as sure of getting out of his difficulties as possible, and so, in tho present case, he weighed all possible consequences, and thoroughly made up his mind as to his coiu*se of action beforehand. -The eventful hour arrived, the Court opened, and our hero entered. Pie was well buttoned up in a long ulster, which he did not remove on entering the box. The charge being read, our hero pleaded "Not guilty." The magistrate was ono of those exceedingly pompous individuals to whom it would have been a moral impossibility to speak in any other way than in very palpable jerks, and he began the business by observing — ' ' Young man — this is — a very serious charge that — is brought— before me — against you!" This sentence was delivered in spasmodic jerks, never more than five words at a time, seldom so many. Jack Larkins, by way of reply, gave a very unmistakable grin, whereupon the magistrate, in a very solemn tone, said — "Ah! young man, I am— very sorry to see — that there is — no sense of shame — left in you !" Our hero replied, " Your Worship must excuse me for remarking that I have not been found guilty yet, and that I must therefore deny your right to lecture me gratis in this off-hand manner." The magistrate evidently did not like this remark, for he ficlgetted about in a very uneasy fashion, and looked precisely as if he was not quite certain as to where he was. In order to relieve the magistrate from his very evident embarrassment, Jack Larkins begged that the witnesses in the case should be called and their evidence taken, and upon this suggestion the magistrate acted with alacritj'-. Policeman No. 7G then made his appearance in the box, and gave his evidence, which certainly made things look rather blue for our hero. On the conclusion of the witness's evidence, our hei*o, by no means discouraged, commenced to prepare for a cross-examina-

tion of that individual. His. preparation consisted of taking off his ulster, and thereby appearing "en parson," for, be it remarked, that if an ulster, like charity, does not cover a multitude of sins, it at least hides a parson'sapparel in a highly satisfactory manner. Our hero, then, in full clerical costume, commenced his cross-examination of the witness,, speaking as folloAVS in a very solemn tone : — " Noav, policeman, I wish to remind you that you are in a court of justice upon youroath, and that you will one day have to appearbefore a higher tribunal ; I would thereforewarn you that you had better bo careful what you say. Noav, lam going to ask you a simplequestion, and I Avanta straightforward answer.. " When you met me in the street last night was 1 drunk?" Policeman No. 76, utterly flabbergasted bythis remarkable speech, hummed aud hawed, and looked more like a dying duck in a very considerable thunderstorm than a human being of an intelligent class, and could not find words to bring to his aid ; but at length. he ansAvered in the following lucid manner: — ' ' Well — ch — I — ch — you — ch — yes — no — that is — ch — " Our hero here put a stop to this very remarkable speech by saying iv a very stern, manner — "No prevarication, sir : I want a distinct, answer — yes or no. Noav, will you swear thatI Avas drunk ?" Policeman No. 76, Avho did not know by this time Avhether he Avas standing on his. head or his heels, replied, "Well, I should, not like to swear that you Avere drunk." Our hero then said, "I don't want to know whether you Avould like to swear, but I want to know Avhether you Avill distinctly swear that I was drunk." Policeman No. 76 then replied, in a tonfrof desperation, "No, I will not sAvear that | you Avere drunk." Our hero, turning to the Magistrate, said,. "I presume that your Worship will now I dismiss this case." Magistrate : " Yes.* but there is the chargeof assaulting the policeman and of destroying j his uuiform." Policeman No. 76, being again placed in. the box, gave his evidence on this part of thecase, but he did so in a very feeble manner,, and he was in evident dread of being subjected to another course of cross-examination., Our hero, at the conclusion of the evidence, said, "Now, policeman, *I wish to ask youv whether I was not looking on the ground ! when I ran up against you?" Policeman No. 76 replied, "Yes, you were."" Our hero : "In that case I could not haveseen you, aud, therefore, I could not have ran. up against you purposely. Do you think" I did?" Policeman: "No, I don't think you saw me." Our hero then turned to the Magistrate,, but suddenly. turned back to the policeman, saying : "Did I catch hold of you, on rising, first, or were you the first to catch hold of me ?" The policeman acknoAvledged that he took, hold of him before that worthy touched him. Our hero then said: "I must submit toYour Worship that you are bound to dismiss this case also ; it has been proved that I was not drunk : it has been proved alsothat I did not see the police officer, and, therefore, there could not have been any ! question of assault ; and as far as the uniform is concerned, that is the fault of the material. My coat Avas subjected to fully as much strain as the constable's, but it did not give way. If the Government will persist in providing the police force Avith rotten contract material, it surely isnot my fault. I must, therefore, ask Your* Worship to dismiss this case." The magistrate replied : ' ' Young man, L must say that you are a very quick-witted person, and that you have got out of this scrape in a very smart manner, but I should, advise you not to try it on any more. Thecase is dismissed." Our hero left the box, and Avas putting on_ his ulster, AA'hen he saAv the Rev. Dr HaAvkins in the act of entering the courthouse. Eor one moment he was in a stateof collapse, but he quickly recovered his "presence of mind," although he would, have infinitely preferred " absence of body." Finding that he was in for it, he rapidlybuttoned up his ulster to the throat, drew his hat as much as possible over his eyes,. and made his countenance as much unlike* hig^ ordinary one as possible. Having thus; prepared for the coming conflict, he marched. boldly up to the doctor, and was about to> pass by him when that gentleman laid his. hand on our hero's arm and addressed hin__ as " Mr Davies." Jack, disguising his voice, said: " Really,, sir, you have the advantage of me." Thereupon tho Avorthy doctor exclaimed : " Surely, I am not mistaken in supposing*you to be Mr Davies ! " "My name, sir, is Layman," rejDlied our hero. The Rev. Dr Hawkins was incredulous^^jj but that remarkable young man,- *&fi&z^ Larkins, ultimately succeeded in provinghimself to be — not himself, but someone* else altogether, entirely to the doctor's satisfaction. Released from the Rev. Dr Hawkins, our charming young hero lost no time in makinghis Avay to his hotel, where he at oncechanged his clothes, mounted his horse, and straightway returned to Melbourne, Avhich. he reached in a state of delight. So much. for his temrjeranco lecture in Ballarat. Kangaeoo.