THE COUNTRY

Observer, Volume 6, Issue 154, 25 August 1883, Page 12

THE COUNTRY

Wade. — That married man, whose wife is in town, should not be flying round so much with the ladies How did Bridget and M. enjoy that walk through the mud ? Pollock. — Miss A. knows Kiss in the ring too well Why did E. follow when H. took Miss W. home? Who was the lady Captain John kissed at the races ? What will the young lady in Onehunga say ? Woodlands. — Gk and the big cook think the drawing-room the best resort when the head of , the house is away It was too bad of the black smith to kiss the modest little housemaid in the hall. What will ma say ? Whangarei Heads. — Ife was very unkind of those ladies not to go to Johnny's lawn tennis party. He had better give it up and go on his travels abroad, as she does not care for him. He thought the belltopper would be sure to take effect, but it did not, neither did the swell srnokingcap. Poor J ohnuy ! Tami Tami (Totara). — Is the mutual improvement class formed to learn the Blue Kibbonitea to speak the English language properly? What a multitude of " sins " that blue ribbon covers The Major is a red hot Salvationist; not so Willie, who would exterminate them to make room for Wesleyans. Mangapai. — Look out E.; the tall man has his eye on you The Presbyterian elders might provide a spittoon for F One of our local divines has been warning sinners to flee from the wrath to come by eschewing dancing and joining the Blue Ribbon Army What does Walter carry in that bandbox every Sunday morning ? Napieb. — Who is that elderly -looking man, evidently a new-arrival, that is so fond of sauntering by moonlight alone on the Marine Parade, and admiring the architecture of the dwellings? Beware, Molly ! Our giant lawyer is to be married to the pretty Miss R. Men are scarce Can't the White Swan brewer find a girl to his fancy ? Onehunga. — Those three young girls who left home on Wednesday evening for the purpose of attending the prayer meeting should not deceive their father, and stop outside and spoon with Dick Miss K. shouldnot flirt behind H.s back. Ask the tailor the latest novelty in fowlkilliug. I presume it is with a rake That boy who assists the wharfinger wears a belltopper. Pueeeohs. — Q-reafc rejoicings at the last meeting of the. 1.0.Gr.T., another attractive addition to the Society "Salvation Tom" gained the day ; the plaintiff says he will try it on no Mo(o)re The "Dustman" says it is a fine ride to Drnry, and Gr. A. B.s sermons are eloquent. Is that really the attraction ? Oh ! !T(ay)ie for ehame! Sam has fairly forced Jimmy out of the running. Wairoa South. — Lizzie is pleased with her handsome lover since he managed to win that beautiful star What takes Tom up tke Eastroad on Sundays ? are there any private rehearsals ? Wairoa is going ahead; another wedding last week, that makes two this year What brought that tall man to church ? Was it to see the new chandeliers ? Hoteo Nobth.— Solomon Hemus' bind is doing a great stroke here. They had a Band of Hope muffin muster on Wednesday There ■were twelve feet six of instrumentalists. Miss E.B. and Mr H. running both into the sevens Who was it got in the school window last Sunday ? If the missing things are not, &c, &c The married ladies were the belles at the Band of Hope tea, especially Mrs H. Miranda. — The musical element has quite | died out, but it is to be hoped that the approaching holidays will be the means of removing it... ...What has come over the footballing? Has it died from a stroke of paralysis ? The row the other week was the best part of the game What can be the attraction for the rising young storekeeper in Auckland, as he has been going there rather often lately ? Business, etc.? Whangabei. — The dance was considered very good. The young ladies were in a Brown study. H.B. looked like pistols and coffee. What was the matter with him? Who was the gentleman that danced till the heels of his boots came through his coat pockets? If T. didn't lace so there wouldn't be such ridiculous scenes in church D. is to start for the Salt Lakes with a shipmett of old maids. He has chartered the Foam. Q-ood spec', eh 2 Kamo. — The little bantams were mated on last Wednesday, 15th ult. We hear the little birds intend to migrate to make their nests in other parts A mysterious occurrence happened near the mines the other day. Outside a dwelling a miner had placed a plum- pudding to cool, and, on returning, found the phantom of a horse who had finished the pudding, and commenced on the slush, from which he refused to be driven. The proprietor of the ghost-like animal appeared with 2&5 lbs of pasties, and jam galore. Panmube. — Has a certain Onehunga 'busdriver abandoned Panmure ? If he has, Sam has taken his place Barney has given up the oysters and taken to pippies Miss B. and Miss Y. were greatly missed at the dance George says the little Dutchie is the pride of his heart. .....Donald intends to follow Neil's example soon, but Nell says there will be no spree Jim CL, says he can dance the polka now...^ Mary says, "If C. does not come over next Sunday Dight she'll give him best." Opotiki. — At the recent sale of fruit trees, a local genius hit upon the happy expedient of employing a lady saleswoman, and the way our haughty swells went in for horticulture was" most amusing, as some of them did not know whether they had bought cauliflowers or calceolarias, rue or heartsease The amount of dignified redtape officialism which characterises our local bodies is simply disgusting. The place is teemiag with chairmen and their hangers-on. One of these full-blown quill-drivers invariably dubs himself honorary secretary to a society frem which he draws a regular annual bonus, which. hemodeaJly isfcylesannonorariuni. -

Te Abai. — Did M. and J. go to Omaha to post letters, or to the dance ? If your late correspondent wants to know if our schoolmaster is engaged, he had better ask some of the Otahuhu I girls if they know. Ido not know if Gr. A. E.. took away anyone's heart, but he certainly took a lock of someone's hair Wanted to know — What M. said to his horse coming from Ouiu.hu ? What F. B. goes to Mangawai so often for ? Whether Tom has built the goose-house yet? If F. S. is engaged to Miss L. or H.? When Bob and Gr. are going to join partnership ? Who Miss J. intends that smoking-cap for ? When B. | is going to give the grand ball ? If Maggie really i wants Charley's head or heart, or both ? Wanted i known — That the M.C. brought the mutton fat, and also put it on the floor. ' Otahuhu. — Pokeno lias succumbed to the widow's charms Hughy is hypochondriiicul, is Alicia the cause ? The Howiok doctor caused , a great sensation at the recent concert and outshone all tho other singers ; the ladies want to know if he is married or unmarried ? Ask the captain how he enjoyed the boating excursion with Mary Jane, what does Louisa say? C. possessed himself of a pair of dancing- pumps at the Panmure hop, is Sally to wear them? The commercial traveller has not followed suit so is likely to become a left bower. Beware John ! Mick says he will keep it as quiefr as C. lias done Some of the railway employes are impounding cattle, but if the cattle tried to escape, they could not prevent them, as the men so employed are maimed The Jehu has won the hand of the Star cook in a canter, and the poacher meditates suicide. Dairy Flat. — Ted is going to refrigerate the Ariremu red butcher's twopenny beef. 1 What says the whale? You must give up the vegetarian system, Alick, or sell the cradle Take particular care of that toothing-ring, Joe, it might be wanted for Harry? Jane and Mary should show a better example to folks than bartering turkeys, and then having a steeplechase after them on Sunday Dave should take a week's practice on his shingle horse before he mounts Joe's moke again, for on his last trial ho made the highest unaided ascent on record Cheer up, Minnie, dear, there is as good fish in the sea, &c. Has Lizzie used all that anti-fat you bought her? I will shortly require a whole column of " your valuable paper " (as they say in the other newspapers), as I'm about to compile a list of the borrowers of the Observreh in and adjacent to this district Time works wonders ? Tho Kiwi came back again almost cured of his malady Look out, Grus 1 the Ibex is on the war path. Kaeo. — A young gent gave this at a christening party some time ago : — To be let, at a very desirable rate, A snug little house in a fine, healthy state. 'Tis a bachelors heart, and the agent is chanoe, Affliction, the rent, to be paid in advanoe. The owner bus yet possessed it aloue, So the fixtures are not of much value ; but soon 'Twill be furnished by Cupid himself, if a wife Take a lease for the term of a natural life. The tenant will have a few taxes to pay — Love, Honor, and — heaviest item — Ouey ! As for the good will, the owner's inclined To have that, if agreeable, settled in kind, Provided true title, by proof, can be shown To a heart unencumbered and free as his own. So ladies, dear ladies, pray do not forget Here's an excellent bachelor'e heart to be let. Answer from a blooming young damsel who deserves credit : — A lady, though single, would much rather be A spinster than, bachelor, tenant to thee ; For a heart that needs puffing by silly verse-makingr Must prove a dull dwelling, and scarce worth the taking. Helensvillk. — Oh ! what a time we are having. On Saturday evening the Blue Devils —beg pardon, Blue Ribbon Army — gave a " free gratis " show, interspersed with speeches — and such speeches! An Auckland journalist opened the ball, but a goodly number of the audience departed before he got through, overpowered, no doubt, by his reference to the " young Hirishman," who left : Hireland " when he was only sixteen years ago." \ This apparently roused the lecturer's ire, and he hazarded an opinion that the overpowered ones were disciples of the " long-f rocked gentry " who dabbled iv " 'oly hoil " &c, &c. Oh! bipofcry, where is thy sting ? " for which overhaul the book, and, when found, make a note of it." But the jlowy man's speech. Holy Moses, it bate everything. How pathetically he spoke of the sour beer, ''as they sells in Brummagem which they calls bomclink." The boys now ask " can you do a bomclink ?" Then the reformed mariner, who perhaps would exhibit better taste if he did not mention the names of fallen brothers from the stage, and who should try bis next effort in his natural voice, " Singing hey, the ranting captain that you are" — the bearing of which observation lies in the application of it. MbecUßY Bat. — I wonder how a certain party is getting on since so many chaps have left the bush ? Champagne is missed very much, but square gin takes its place until they return with a good cheque Cambelltowft looks lonely since the lovers have changed their afternoon walks Ask T.B. how he liked his boating trip on Sunday ; take care, Tom, don't go too near the fire Who was the obliging party- that put the spurs in the bed? Dick said he never jumped out of bed so quickly in his life Charlie says that everybody has to give way when Q-iddie dances. I would advise him to fasten lead to his feet, say 501bs, just for a trial Ask Dick, who sat on the lid of the rice pot ? Never mind, better luck next time Madden has retired from the field ; he says it is no use to contend against Jim. Pass the mustard! Look out, Charlie, Warren has entered the lists. He cays the girls give him the credit of being the best-looking young man in the Bay. More jam, please What has Maggie done that she cantnofc have her usual escort on Sundays? Try again, Maggie, W. for instance. Wanganui. — May is still happy in looking forward to her award. But why at night allow gooseberries? Who was the lawyer's derk that, having a season ticket with the Avenue barber, got shampooed and shaved once every day, sometimes twice, and yet, because' his barber was ill once, and could not attend to him, vented his feelings on the wife, and left without paying his little bill ? And yet he is sesthetic and some say wears stays We have had the story of Joseph repeated here', only Joseph succumbed,

and still Mrs Potiphar told the lie and brought him to justice. But the fault lay in the boots, not (the) man Randall says the Day was fine hut the tiakettlers marred the night with their discordant music. The kirk fell heavily on Johnny while attempting to suppress it The chemist, and the tobacconist still strive to have each other ; that was a good move of the former's whereby he had both the latter and his note F. MaeG-., looked quite-too-awful, trying to defeud himself and the ladies, in the boat from the attacks of the Maori girls, while out rowing on Sunday. You should keep further out Mac... ... | Wanted to know: — When the next Liverpoolstreet donee is to be held ? Why the young | ladies objected to D. C. attending the dancingclass ? If the aesthetic lawyer's clerk intends taking a life-partner to the Flagstaff Hill ? New Pi/orotTTir.— There is a singular signboard in Devon-street, New Plymouth ; it is as follows: "A Divine Chimney-sweep." I have heard of divine saints and angels, but never before of divine chimney-sweeps ! After considering the matter carefully, I see no reason to doubt the veracity of the signboard, and I take it as an evidence of the near approach of the millennium, for (hen everyone will be entitled to the prefix or affix, as the case may be. Cobblers, and tinkers, and tailors will then be as divine as our most reverend calendar saints are, or are supposed to be. It will be. a happy time then, and from the bottom of my heart, and with all reverence, I wish it were now When will our local amateurs learn to take hints ? It would seem as if hints administered by the public were thrown away on them. After the second production of the year by the Philharmonic Society (on which auspicious occasion there was a house of the value of about 30s), one would have thought that the palpable inference to be drawn therefrom would have checked their ardour ; but, alas, no, and the public was again invited to another " Musical Festival" — second only to those produced at Birmingham — the occasion being a complimentary benefit to Mr Forrest. The bait, however, did not take, and I should imagine that Mr Forrest, would receive about Is 6d left as the net procoeds. I do not mean to insinuate that our amateurs are worse than other amateurs in the colony — nay, far from it ; but they should learn that amateur performances, no matter how good, certainly will wear out, and it is a great mistake to impose upon the good nature of the public to any great extent, otherwise amateur performances become insufferable. I hope our vocalists will take the hint, and allow themselves a little rest occasionally, or they will wear themselves out body and soul, not to say anything of how the voice will suffer. A late American warrior has found a congenial place of residence in Taranaki. He is an oddity in his way, especially when holding forth at our Borough Council, Harbour Board, Hospital Board, &c. He I»ys himself out entirely to win the popular vote, no matter how chameleon-like his opinions must needH be. He is, in fact, all things to all men. Hi' hobnobs with the Blue Ribbon Army, and says that he is at heart one of the number, although he does not sport the blue ribbon. At the same time he manages to keep in the good books of the publicans by paying his grog score regularly. As deputy-coroner he is most elaborate, and I am afraid he will put the coroner himself into the 6hade when he returns to New Plymouth. He charges his juries with such pomposity as to make an outsider think he is a Chief Justice on circuit. He has his good points, though, as well aa his peculiarities. He is of a fatherly disposition, good-natured, and can look after No. 1. When a fit of martial ardour steals o'er him, he will be seen suddenly appearing in Devon-street with his decorations worn in the Civil War of the Great Republic At the last meeting of the Borough Council a member, who had oppose a sign-board or horse-post, or something of that sort, being erected across the footpaths, afterwards, in a singularly inconsistent manner, pressed an application of a similar nature Ito be granted to another person. The difference in the two cases, as far as I can discover, is that 1 in the former he was not engaged to paint the sign board, and in the latter he was.