THE JOKER.

Observer, Volume 6, Issue 149, 21 July 1883, Page 18

THE JOKER.

7 The good die young, but the old dye for various ;,.. -reason?. , .. : You never hear of » strike among the- astronoihers. Their business is.always looking up. •yy •' There are somo men so talkative, that nothing' 'Ind?' the toothache can inako them hold their /jaws*.. The decline of Rome was not a decline , to take y a/drink; but thie fall indicated that it had had „ enough. Sain Slick's definition of Lynch law — Hanging ■ • .a." man: outside a church stooplo to sco if it is straight. A. man's idea of intimacy with a woman is that he. shall be allowed to talk about himself, and she ' shall; listen. If. love fe blind, why do girls spend two-thirds *£. tlie?r time on their hah and looking* up the most, killing styles ? When a woman wishes to hide something where nobody will be able to find it, she puts it in the pocket of her dress. "Do you ohjoct to smoking, sir ?" '•' Xo, not at all-.!' M Wdl, then, just givo mo a cigar, will you ? Eve- left* miue at homo." Those who have tried it confess that a large, healthy mustard plaster worn on the back contains mora heat than a heavy overcoat. Tho roason why some of the street-lamps burn allnightf ig because tho Ught is so small it is aftaid to go out alone iv the dark. Mrs Howo says women do not fall in love any anor(?: Place a woman in front of tho milliner's window and sco if she doesn't. j -TJhcre are plenty of rocipes for making lobster , -salad,' but wo don't know of any for preventing it from, giving* you the nightmare. Pat says that if men could only hear their own funeral sermons and read their own headstones there would be no living in the world with them. Silence has enlightened the world as to the many so-called mysteries of nature, but it cannot -tell. what becomes of the button-hooks and hairpins; ' The meanest slight a girl can put upou an admirer is* to .ise a postal card in refusing an offer of- marriage. It jxrovos that sho doesn't actually care-f No- matter how handsome a yoiuig woman iry. j -—.-be>- when the right man comos along sh- 7- rev.lv ' to yield tlio palm of boaiity, if ho ha.* \h>- _*■_..-<■• v*. j aslc for it. j Au. Austin justice asked *i d._.k<.y. oHy-ilI;.. ; "•Were you ever arrested before?'' - .\'<* l-...,, ! when- 1 was arrested, de poliemnai: ny- ■ "•><•'. mo ' from: behind." New York doctors h-:ve declared thr- iyh of the wild goo:..- to ho p-'xluy-.-o <A' -.\o end of human ills'. Thai/fright; everybody gets down on* ths goose. Vabo did ury begin to learn . • c Greek language uutil he W',,.. S.t.year? o* ; age, Thr excuse for his beginniiig ou it then was that he had entered his . second' childhood. _.-- Sis:, persona who climbed the icy mountains of ■^ Swii_o_i*.nd la .t year were overtaken by fatal aecidenf-s. It is far safer to stay at home and a greased pole. . Tako a woman „fo r. ingenuity. A Cleveland givLwlib had a new bonnet sho wanted to show, constrived to get herself called as a witness on a case- she knew nothing about.. " Every mother-in-law is somebody's mother," says the sentimental unmarried. After he is married ho will be made painfully aware of the fact a dozon times a day. "" Liquor," said the locWrer, " i.s responsible f or much of the misery iv this world." " That's so," said an. old toper, in thje audience. /"I'm always unhappy twhenl. can't, get it." '.■ % AAtlanta claims to have a young lady who has thp flhe?,t.and. prettiest head, of. hair in the JJnited States. The name of the party from whom she ;y .. purchased ifc is not made public. When a man is a fool and knows it, ho is a comparatively harmless animal, but three T quarters pi fue- troubles of ' our human fife are caused by . .JEools who aro not aware of the fact. An. inspired poet begins his lay — • ( ; .Bring me, papyrus,, and I will write . The oldest tale in the world to-night. Jlo mustt,,have,got,on to a joke, Tho Modern Argo says that "the only time when a man is generous in drawing the line between his own and his neighbour's property is ' when he shovels the snow off the sidewalk. "Dining is a fine art," says a well known autho- j rity on-jnatters gastronomic. So ifc is ; indeed it .is,, at* some hotels. There are taverns where it is j »• mighty .fine arb to get any th jng to eat at all. Make the last car an hour later and there are men- who would miss, it: . A.-man not entirely sobetf prefers to go homo' in a hack. It w akes up- 1 .»• whole neighbourhood, aud, thero. is more stylo J - jtbout it, '■•"''' - ■■-.-■■:■-■■■' I So fai- as tho choice of death is concerned, wo I ■ ara*- all. liko $lio poof; follow who preferred to be ! 7 hung on a gooseberry bush, and expressed perfect I willingness to wait until; it grew largo enough for j tho-purpose. \ • j Neither Babylon, Rome, Athens, or any of the ' y Othoii. nauch-boaste.d cities had a decent house | ; drain, a gas jet, k dob* bell 1 , a grate, or knew how ta make oyster soup. didn't lose anything I by waiting. ! . ' When a fellow gets a letter for his wife (Dut pf I iß !ihev^.oi9(.-dffic.e and he forgets to give it to hferior ' it week; or so, the safesfc way of letting her hWe it % to tie it , on the end of a long fishing poie and * J.^i6Hd it'vthi'ough* a window to ber. ; » - - . ; ■ j A-'- We have seen men ..so eager to get something foi ..nothing thafc one would almost believe they Wo , uW .^g-¥ilh^ they . present^ Jifch^graftuitou's coffins, vvlthlhe understanding tfiafc they should shuftfe off. : .Ifiberoisanyfchioirinjhis wide world thafc 1 / : xnakes.ft c man thoroughly sick it is to run half a j . v i%|i-«r-dlhf;apfe^^\'i^.ja^s^ ' spiratibn— qnly ; t» ii'jfeoter thai, the; car is goinff | /the m-ong.way; 'y'ry'A '• /*."•• ; : ' *':'"'' -•■''■ -'''■ '■.'. ■■'■ : |

~ y.7 ■<■_ ft • .1- . - 7 ;*. J . :... v- , A man who bought a .thous&nct Hayani bigairs recently, on being asked what he was carrying, replied that they were tickets to a course of lectures to be given by his wife. "Say," remarked a spotter to a commercial traveller, " you fellows carry lots of cheek, whatever else you may have." '•' Pshaw I" replied the pilgrim, "we only carry samples— you ought to see our stock." " What," asked the lawyer, " are you growling about ? Didn't I win your case for you ?" " Yes, you won the case. But yon didn't insinuate that the man against me abuses his wife or steals hens. Do you think that was earning your money ?" Bill Snort, a Texas journalist, was about to get into a car on the Central Railroad, when the conductor, thinking tho passenger might prefer the smoking car, asked — " Do you smoke ?" " Don't care if I do," reaching out for the expected cigar. The term " dudu " is now applied to those dandified young society chaps who are "just too nice for anything." The word is changed from dodo, an extinct member of the duck species, the peculiarity of which was its ridiculously small wings and tail on a big, puffed-up body. Clergymen ought to be careful in the choice of language or serious results may ensue. "My brethern," said one lately, " I will now pass," and before he could proceed a sleepy hearer in the front pew suddenly started into life, aucl cried out, " Then I make it spades and play it alone." Charlie Vere de Vere (sententiously) — " Geniuses, my dear Miss Marlborough, i are men who just miss being fool?, and fools are men who just miss being geniuses." Miss Marlborough (awestruck) — " What original things you say, Mr Vere de Vere. I sometimes think that you are almost a genius." A scissors-grinder was ringing his bell " to grind," when a young man called to him and asked :—- --" Say, can you sharpen everything ?" *'' Ye-.--, eaferytings." "Can you sharpen my s'.ii_,r' "Your vits ? Vhell, I guess you irvlf <o go and get a new handle and back-., yi a<_ £-a in LV..' ! i must haf sometings to bin-.. 1 on vy !" A keen student >;•' human .* ••.•ir.- !iu__.i. hare written the following •--••"• V. _]_*_ yo*. -sec 1 a yoiing man sailing down thr siioei shortly -.Cier midnight with collar .-u_.-_.cd dovu his ufuk, you c-au ur.\ke up your u'-ud ther..-?. a young girl craw Hug up sf_h'_ not fuc di-^ant with her .hoe.-, -under her arm ancl ay- eitiriquished himp h. her hands." A d.ijidy d'ln't like the new pants he had re-.-•oived rro-ru tits tailor, so he told the artist who built the pants. "Look here, I can't use those r.,._..3. I wanted them for a dinner party, and hy ;r* . so tight I can't walk in them." " Well," giv.-wled i-he tailor, "if you don't get to be any Ugh ter than the pants you won't find auy trouble in walking." A youth was endeavouring to enjoy an evening in the company of a young lady upon whom he had called, but found a serious obstacle in the person of a stern father, who at length ventured very plainly that the hour for retiring had arrived. " I think you are correct, my dear sir," returned the xinabashed young man. "We 'have been waiting for you to go to bed for over an hour." It was at the breakfast table. Mrs Verger, who had been reading the Austin morning paper, said : "In St. Louis a first-rate meal was cooked by electricity." "So the meal was well cooked by lightning ? That's more tl-ian I can get in this house, by thunder!" retorted Col. Verger. Mrs Verger's eyes flashed, and there was a cloud upon her brow. Col. Verger thought he was going to catch hail, but it blew over. " Father," said the young man, as he leaned on his hoe, " they say the balance of trade is agin us." "They do, eh ?" "And that our bank reserves are rapidly diminishing." "Dv tell !" " And that railroad extensions have come to a halt." *■' Well, I swan I" " And that the volume of securities is substantially without a market." " Great snakes ; Well, I never! And do they say anything about a feller stopping to lean on his hoe to talk -when he-might- just as well talk ancl hoe too ?" Reuben spit on his hands and resumed. Al- gentleman called last week at a large stationer's' ,t0 order some note-paper with a heading. On. being- shown various designs, monograms, &c, " No", hO v sa,id,."l want something simpler— just a flower, a forget-me-not." "" Buit, sir tliat would surely be more suitable for a young lady ?" " I know what I want," was the prompt reply ; "I'm a tailor, and — the paper is for my customers." A married woman who had escaped from a burning hotel by jumping out of the window said she didn't blame the proprietors, because there, was in every bedroom a rope provided for the safety of the guests. " Then why didn't you, avail yourself of it ?" asked an inquisitive newspaper reporter. "Because I couldn't," she answered sharply, as if the question were a foolish one. "My husband was using it trying to save his dog." ' At a table d'hote at Cologne a manufacturer from Sheffield, who spoke nothing but English, was seated next to a ; German lady who did not speak at all. Handing her a plate of. peaches " Have a peach, naarm ?" said he. " Nein " (no), replied ithe lady. " Nine !" exclaimed he, staring with astonishment first at her and then at the other guests at the table. " Why, mann, there's only six hi the dish, but there they are for you," at the same time rolling them upon her plate. He kissed devoutly the hand that .passed.- him . the autograph 'album,- and- wrote therein, "I would write my name upon the virgin page. Would that I could inscribe,; it; upon 'the purer scroll of your 'heart, in that invisible ink which shall only appear as the thing upon which it is written is warmed.- at : the fires of a love which takes no note, ofitime." That, was a year ago. They are married now ; and when she asks him for his autograph, in the shape pf a psetty heavy cheque, to liquidate her ' millinery bill,- he grasps 'tliat ' album, or ; a; larger-sized book if ' haiidy — preferable the l_ytter^ at hei* head. - , ■--■ ,• _; - . ■ ... ■ ' . „ . :

The PaboeiiS Svs^ar:— Cf-reat reduction in Sewing M^aUvaksiA Prices, carriage, * paid witb all extras: Home Shuttle, £2 753- Wei'tHkm,£i; White] £3 10s rSinger, £s^|i,. v yjf»3tef -and Eoosmau, £4.103-7 with cover, £s)' Knitting. Machines,^ £7; Howe, £3 • Standard, JTo^d^^ BilJ^^^Miies.^3>. Abets, . Queen : ana iFort-str eets> Auckiand. T^^anvas- . sersy Uwh or defied/ Sepahs to aUnmc|^si