The Observer.

Observer, Volume 5, Issue 131, 17 March 1883, Page 418

The Observer.

Satueday, Maech 17th, 1883. •/• c .v, GOOD TIPPLERS. ' ', '. Tt was night in one of the by-streets. , Tliere ■', was no more moonshine than there is about: thisV' par. Clouds obscured the stars. The streets were.,, silent. Only a few festive cats relieved tie.: : : s jlemn calm, and evoked missiles and blasphemy ' from sleep-robbed cits. The policeman moTftaj^y like a shadow along his lonely beat, pausing'T^r* scrutinise the windows and fanlights of the hotels -„1 for a chance of a propitiatory drink. Suddenly. 'A the dread guardian of the peace paused near a-« verandah, and listened intently. Was it one or ■' two burglars ? No ; for one was the figure of a •• well-known mai'ried lady, and she was clasped in,. the strong arms of a man. The kisses were fasfcy ; and furious, causing the susceptible heart of the • constable to palpitate violently. He crept closer',; ■-,' and caught the words, uttered inasofttreinuloiisf*; voice, " It will not be safe to come before 4 o'clock, ; . dear!" Then the male person took one =long passionate farewell kiss, wended his way toithe '•', nearest pub., emerged with a bottle, and sent 1 it: ' by the hand of a boy to the lady who was \raiting, ," '> under the verandah. By the flickering light: o£"V the gas-lamp the constable recognised in the gay, ■■]' Lothario the lineaments of a prominent; GJ-ood \ Templar, preacher of morality, and . pillar., of <,;> godliness. Such is life, dear boys. , ' '"'.' '^'■ : .'-^y-^, RUCTIONS IN A QUEEN-STKEET HOTELV'^'rir Thieves ! Bape ! ! Murder 111 iThis' terrible/!fcry rang out on the still night.air, fojjfewiadi.'.byj'a^, clash and clatter as if Pandeiiidnium^a^.ll)r6kißa/ • loose The constable on duty s6ented/a:big';'oa^v : and made tracts for — a snug corner. :■' 'A^no&^u commissioned officer, who happened to be.making^ his rounds, perceived that the yells, screams, andii smashing proceeded from a weU-knbwn''p'ublic^.!|; house in Queen-street. He knocked'' a| 'ibto^fv front door and demanded admittance in the njrgie^ of the Queen. As if by magic the lights ?^VH|^ tinguished, and every sound; was, hushedi^P^HjP the guardian of the peace, with the instinctfLolß^B calling, found a practicable back entered like a burglar. There, was /a '. Sarkn^fß^i that might be felt, and 0, horror! when £e.Bfcri^^| ! » his last match it was blown oiit : by tjxe i ; draiigli||^ • He went out, procured more and re-^ent^e^^tili the top of the stairs he dißcbvered;the^pdy^ip^ female. The corpse lay^prone 1 • „p'nU^':!H»RMi[^^:| partially dreßsed, and : ists ;miiiy^ of HtsQmagfiig£

«xposed to view. The delicate sensibilities of the mah-in-blue received a fearful shock. He .gently re-adjusted matters, and proceeded to search for marks of violence on the body. As he bent down he became distinctly cognizant of a powerful alcoholic odour, and heavy breathing. The woman was not dead — only dead drunk.

Further search unearthed the hotel-keeper. Being interrogated, this worthy said that nothing unusual had occurred further than that his "nrisfius," had taken a drop too much, and had been playfully showing her muscles on the glass-ware and perishable goods. Being asked if he did not keep a barmaid on the premises he said the young lady in question was sleeping the slumber of the virtuous and the blest. The innate modesty of the " foorce " shrank from the ordeal of invading lier boudoir, but she was politely requested to dress herself and come out. In a few minutes a big bundle of flannel and linen flitted out upon tHe landing, and a rather washed-out face, devoid of carmine, belladonna and other little aids to beauty, smiled like a melancholy ghost upon the Tisitor. A cursory examination revealed no marks of violence on this young lady, and both uhe and the publican obstinately denied that there had been any of those little accidents so common in hotels of walking in one's sleep. The murder was still shrouded in mystery, until an examination was made of the bar and the adjoining room. Then there burst upon the startled gaze of the visitor a scene which would gladden the soul of a Goth or a Vandal. The floor was strewn with broken glass, and other debris, mirrors, pictures, pint pots, table-cloths, vases, lustres, and broken furniture, bearing ample testimony to the v missus's " iconoclastic prowess. Taking in the situation at a glance, the guardian of the peace sorrowfully gazed on the remains of wasted liquor, made his exit through the back window, and left the inmates of the house to their midnight dreams and morning reflections.

AN EARTHQUAKE OF WIT.— SCENE IN COURT. Case of assault. P. Puzzle for the plaintiff, T. B. Puzzle for the defendant. P. Puzzle examines plaintiff : " You are a seaman serving on board the Letter U, are you not ?" Answer : " Yes." T. B. Puzzle (in a stage whisper to P. Puzzle) : " I've heard of let her rip before, but never of letter v .'" Immense depression in Court, in which the Magistrate joins. After one strong •constable and three nervous females have been brought to with vinegar and sal-volatile, His Worship remarks : " For myself, I don't care, as I Ihave a good constitution, and am paid to run these risks ; but out of consideration for the public health, I must protest against the perpetration of such dangerously funeral jokes by the Bar. If it occurs again I shall order the Court to be cleared." (Tremendous applause.)