ON THE HALF-SHELL.
"My vhife all .der time says to mo: " Carl Dunder, if you vhas to be kilt by a butcher cart or ice waggon, or if" some shteampoat plow you oop an der rirer, I vhas left with no money. Vhy doari' you pc insured mit your life ? " " Vhell, I tinks about dot a good deal. It vhas my duty dot my vhife und/ Katie doaa' go mit de poor house if I can help it, und I tink it vhas best io get some insurance. I shpeak to my frendt, Shon Plazes, about it, und Shon he says:
"' Of course you vhant insurance. You shall come into my lodge of der United Order of Half-Shells. Dot vhaa an order which only costs you one dollar a year, und if you die your family puts on shlyle mit der ten thousand dollar in greenpacks. I calls a meeting..right avhay mit your saloon, und we put you through, like some streaks of greased lightning."
" Vhell, I goes home und tells der old vhomans und she says dot yas O.K. She doan' like io see me die, but if some sb.mall<* pox or yellow fever comes to Detroit and takes me avbay she likea to haf a long funeral procession und build me a grate* I stone, which reads dot Carl Dunder vbis a goot husband, a kind fadder, nhd dot ha has gone to Heaven only it leedle vhilev perfore.he vhaa ready. I shpeak to my daughter Kat:e und she shed some tears and tells me dot she looks as cute as an angel in some mourning gloze for me. So it vhas all right und I sweep out my saloon und about twenty men comein doteafning to make me a Half-shell. " Oxcuse me if I vhas madt und use some words ITke. a pirate. "My frendfc, Shon Plczes, vhas dere mit a red cap on his head und n, voice so solemn dot I feeli shills go up my pact. H6 calls der meeting to order und says I like to shorn und pecome « Half-shell." " Does he like peer ?" asks some man! in der govner. - "He doesi" said Shon Plazes. " Und so do we ! " yells ajl der meeting, urd Shon says I vhas to come down mit ter peer.. Dot was nineteen glasses. " .Get! Shoa Plazes he reads from a pook * mifc a plue cover, dot man vhas dying ebery day so fast dot you can't count * em, or som lings like dot, v- d he.calls oudt:" . " Ybat shall save dis man ?"
"Und eaferypody yells' lager peerlV Dot raeaus I set him oop again, und dot ▼has nineteen glasses more! Den two men take me und vhalk me all aroundt, und Shon Plazes.be criesout:"
11 Wo vhas here tp^dfay und gone <o*. morrow. In der midjigjit, vhen eafery* body vhas ashleep a tief comes und shteala onr life away! Vhat keeps dot tief afar off! " .
" Und eaferypody groans out like he vhas dying ! ' Cool lager !'.-. Dot means I vlma to set 'em pop agaio, und dot vhas ninet m glasses more. Dea.Shon' Plazes he leads me twice around v cl says: . ".
"' Carl Dunder, you tinks you thas Wade a Half-shell already, but you vas mistaken. Put oudt your left hand! Dot vas goot. Now, my frendt, vhat vhas der foundation stone of liberty, equality nnd brotecfion ?'
"Undeaferypody lifts oop his voice, und groans oudt: * All der lager a man vhants ! Pat means I vhas to tap a fresh keg; und I pelieve dot growd drinks more as forty glasses. I do^n' like it so previous like. Ididfc, but my frehdtShoa 1 lazes tells me to lie down on der table ° on my pack, and shut my eyes; Then I vhas in bosition he hit me tree dimes mit * Jus fist in der stomach, und gries oudt: " Vhen he vha3 alife he vhas kind mit der boor; vhen he vhas deadt we forgot his faults I Brudders, vlut rhas der great bnnoiral dot Irids to charity und penerolencs?"
•■Und eaferybody shump3 to his feet, und yell oudt: " Some more lager uncl cigar 3!" Vhell, I set 'em oop once more, und den I vhas so madt dot I take op my glub und cle n dot growd out mit der : street. I peleif he vhas a fraud oa me. I pelief dot Sho 1 Plazes tells sll de poys, und it vhas a put up shob., I lose my peer and cigr rs, und somebody carries off more ash ten bottles of ?hisky from mv pr.r, und I vhas no more a Half shell as you are. If dot vhas some vhay tainsnra jm me so dot my vhife and Katie haf some mourning goois und puy me a graTcstow mil; a lamb on top, I got out of poliytfoj right avhay. Oxcuse me dot I shed somfi tears, ut?.l kick o_;fe?der shairsand table* for I vhas madt like tome cats one gloze'" - line. —Carl Dunder in Dlroit Frcepr-w
™Tht Gandyah correspondent of the Maryborough Chronicle, (Qu-^nskadi writing, on the drought, notes that a great boon to the slook^wners has~beenthe bottle tree, on which stock hare had to ?,?;„ — lr -' he sa^ha S awondetw , fal sustain.^ power, a,d has pjcor^J agrand s.and-by. It isaurprfe^ndw th" l scrubs keep up the supply, when it fe : consider d that a perfectly *™ men? womea and children is daifc maSne inroad, upcn them. Carts lade* wittl large o ?8 of bottle tr:- 3 are constaX SVfnf -twf eQ. town and Bcrub? cattle :and horses like it, uad so knowing hare they become that the w -if" at e or a tree falling in the ZZ- S W J ?»*«*" ■■•U t^ stock with!? hearing at the spot whence the «oand process; and if a bottle treeigbein" , Ofll^ d apotvtLey ret ? yd work by the " ,w^iß.ency with which they crowd in for 4|l|||calent and mucilaginons chips. v|||||Uman (who has missed again)^«T sa^Mtunbbs, the birds seem to be afraid InTf'f ? ee Pcr ~-" We". **. they didn't be, for you never 'urt cay on* em. ■ • ■. . *
antv bed-bugs, ratu, mice, gophen, lack-, rahjtta, Reared out by " «ough on BaCl Motes Mobi & 00., Sydae*fCbnena AgJntiT
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Thames Star, Volume XV, Issue 4719, 21 February 1884, Page 2
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1,024ON THE HALF-SHELL. Thames Star, Volume XV, Issue 4719, 21 February 1884, Page 2
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