MR SIMPKIN'S DOWNFALL.

Thames Star, Volume VIII, Issue 2996, 21 September 1878, Page 4

MR SIMPKIN'S DOWNFALL.

Man is the only animal that wears short socks. This is not only a more accurate, definition than any hitherto devised* by scientific persons, bat it shows the inferiority of man to all other animals, and ought to have even more effect in humbling our wicked pride, than has the^famous story of the little girl who was excessively proud of her silk dress until she was told that it was spun woven, cut out, made up and trimmed by a loathsome worm. The great trouble with the/short sock is that it will not keep its place: There being nothing whatever to hojd it, the course of gravitation necessjfjfily drags down about the ankle. This causes an amount of 1, misery that is appalling. There is no man who can feel •any t confidence in his socks. Whether he is walking or sitting, he knows that his socks are slowly but surely slipping down. Garters; being out of the question", since, the shortness of the sock does not perinita garter to .be placed in a position where it will not slip, there is absolutly no remedy; for what we jjniay fairly call the giant evil of the age. Pins and mucilage have both been tried by desperate men, but both have proved useless, and have merely added to the misery of the user. In these circumstances there is nothing left for man to do except to bear the sock in silence, or to boldly cast it aside and tedopt full - grown stocking. The latter alternative was recently chosen by that eloquent but unfortunate clergy• man, Eev. Charles Simpkins, of Westbridge, Pa Until the j catastrophe which has lately overtaken him, the church did not possess a more popular and promising young clergyman. He could repeat the opening exhortation all the way from " Dearly beloved " to " forgiveness for the same," without once pausing for breath', and it has been asserted that lie could monotone the entire Apostles' Creed while, breathing only three times.- As he was unmarried, and not yet twenty-seven years old, he was regarded with'peculiar reverence by the unmarried ladies of his parish, and he received more annual slippers i than any other clergyman in the United States. Neatness was one of the distinguishing characteristics of,Mr-Simpkins, y and there; rare probably few men who have suffered more keenly, from'short socks.'-•';Whenwalking through the village, lie was in continual dread lest his > socks 'should' descend into public view, and even while preaching his most eloquent sermons the perspiration would gather on his brow as he felt one of his socks was gradually slipping down. This wore upon him to that extent that hia intellect threatened to totter, and on the morning of the eighty-first Sunday after Trinity, he deliberately paused, after •; remarking '?here endetb. "-rand stooped down*. tp : repair, damages. That night lie resolved that vigorous measures must be;taken, and he accordingly wrote a confidential letter to his sister's husband, who resided in this city, and enclosed all the necessary measurements. Shortly afterwards he received,, ostensibly from the husband, but really from the affectionate sister, two dozen; pairs of fialbriggan hose, together with: ajpair of scarlet elastics an inch in width, and of precisely the right size. As soon as Mr Simpkins bad learned by repeated experiment how,to wear the scarlet appliances, his spirits began to rise. He was no longer a prey to doubt" and despair. His stockings firmly kept their place, an he felt that he could even attend a church pic-nic and climb over a fence without fear for consequences. Accordingly for the first time during his residence at Westbridge, he consented to attend the Sunday-school pic-nic on the 21st October last, and thereby filled with, unutterable; delight the souls of all the unmarried teachers of ! the church. Mr. Simpkihs, being free ■from care, entered into the sports of the pic-nic with great zest, and the children insisted that he, together with their teachers, should take part in a game of blind man's buff. The request was acceded to, and the usual running, laughing and shrieking followed. It was while Mr Simpkins was .fleeing, in company with six excited teachers; from-the pursuit of | ajblindfolded small boy, that he suddenly noticed that one of bis elastics had become unclasped and had fallen to the ground. At the same moment it was perceived,by the prettiest of the teachers, who made a franctic effort to seize it, but was anticipated by the unhappy clergyman. It was bad enough for him to know that the teacher had discovered his misfortune, but what was his horror and amazement wheni with every appearance of anger, she demanded that he should " hand her that" instantly. He was so astonished at her evident desire to make sport of him that he did not deign to answer her, but put the disputed article in his pocket and walked away. Whereupon, the teacher burst into tears and informed her confidential friends that Mr Simpkins had. had the- inconceivable audacity to, steal one of her-—in fact, her private property. The scandal spread rapidly and widely, and grew as rapidly as it spread. At. the end of half-an-hour every lady at the pic-nic had cut the clergyman in a most marked manner. Burning with shame and indignation,-he forgot to repair the deficiencies of his toilet, and went home feeling rather crestfallen than did the Prophet Daniel when he found that the lions would not recognise his existence. It was not until he was on the point of seeking a sleepless pillow that he discovered that both his scarlet elastics were in their proper places* while the one which he had picked up at the pic-nic lay on his table. The full horror of the situation flashed upon him. The teacher had really droped a scarlet elastic, and he had seized it under the impression that it was his own. The utter hopelessness of ever making any satisfactory explanation of the affair was only too apparent. Early the next morning Mr Simpkins fled from Westbridge, a ruined .man. ; The fatal articles which had caused his downfall he left- behind him, and they teach with mute but powerful eloquence the lesson that we should bear the socks we have, and never dream of flying to stockings of of which, we know nothing except by hearsay; ■ ■•' '"-'"■< ■ .■■/'■ "•■■ '■■>. ■: *•' •'■• ":