THE WORST SMALL BOY.

Thames Star, Volume VIII, Issue 2996, 21 September 1878, Page 4

THE WORST SMALL BOY.

For a long time it has been the boast of the First Congregational Society of Erich-' ville, Ohio, that' they possessed a minister • -who, in point of lungs andlegs, was fully equal, and' in respects superior, to Mr &lmage. There is no doubt .that this •. boast is to a certain extent justifiable. ——WMie'EeV^Mr Sunbright is; admittedly inferior to Mr Taknage in the management of his left leg, and never, attempts Jhe. eloquent feat of throwing both legs simultaneously over the front of the pulpit, he can pound the desk or stamp his right footwith a violence which the Brooklyn athlete has never yet approached. His ■':- voiqe is simply oneqiialled inipdwer, arid; on calm Sundays has more than once reached the; next village, distarit's three 5 * miles* *- 'from meeting-house, and created a . tempo-/ rary alarm of, fire. Of course, these great qualities have, made him exceedingly, popular with thei .thoughtful members of his congregationj! but'itiey 1 have . secured for him the, respect and admira--tion^ of ;:the,[small boys; JHis • invariable habit of rumpling a small boy Vhair the wrong way while pointing out to him the general sinfulness of his ways is unquestionably adapted to.awaken the- baser passions of fallen juvenile human nature. To this .objectionable habit he alib iadds the practice of insisting upon an unusual amount of catechism, and a total prohibition of circus, and the result is that he is hated by the small b6ys of his congregation with great unanimity and bitterness. Among the small boys in question is one of exceptionally studious habits and mechanical ingenuity. When, one early day in the winter, this small boy ap- ♦ proached his pastor and begged for the loan of a book that would fully explain to, him the elementary principles of natural philosophy, .including the, !mechanical powers and the strength of materials, Mr Sunbright rumpled his hair with real enthusiasm, and, remarking that he lovedl .to see a boy with a mind above marbles; and circusses," promptly lent him the; desired book. For some weeks that; ingenious small boy devoted his" whole! time to study anditd. experiments with; carpenters', tools and heavy weights.in the . wood-shed,^and his father and Mr Sun-i bright congratulated one another upon thei extraordinary goodness and intelligence of the studious youth. '•■'■■ : „ f ?'

It was on the Saturday forenoon preceding the fifth' Sunday in January that the ingenious small boyi together with several of his juvenile companions, gained secret access to the ; Congregational meeting-house.. The pulpit was an oldfashioned. affair placed upon a high platform . Underneath this platform was a dark space to which access was gained by a movable panel, and in which the sexton was accustomed r to .store broken benches and other! ecclesiastical rubbish. The boys first carefully cut an opening in the floor of the pulpit about,. four feet square, and then entering in .'.the. lumber-room below worked for hours in comparative silence,, and 'with the aid of a lantern. ' The ingenious student of the mechanical . ppwera, arranged. a weight and a lever in such a way as to support the improvised trap ■ door in the -pulpit floor until a pressure of 1981b. . should be brought to bear upon it.! With--out the application of. this pressure the trap-door would retain its position, and would be.invisible to any but the closest scrutiny. With such pressure it would promptly give away; but would; resume its position as soon as the pressure should be removed. Rev. Mr Sunbright, weighed precisely 1721b., and it was calculated by the juvenile miscreantr-as it will nshortly be necessary to call him—that the momentum of the average stamp of the pastor's foot would infallibly be equivalent to an increased pressure of 151b. As the result v showed, this calculation was correct, and the arr&ngement^of the lever and weight was made with admirable skill. ; It was about the middle of the next Sunday morning's sernaon, when Rer. Mr Sunbright was eloquently denouncing the (Corruption of the Church of Rome, that he executed one of his ablest and . most convincing stamps, and disappeared from view with startling celerity. The audience -looked upon his disappearance as a new rhetorical figure, and were filled .with admiration: One young man, who had visited New York, whispered quite that he had seen both T. De ' Witt Talmage and George L. Fox, and that neither of them had ever executed so neat and agile a trick. The minutes' came and went, but the pastor did not reappear. Doubtless, so his people, he was waiting to. give full effect to his , eloquence; but after a tiaie they became" -somewhat surprised at the unusual pause in the services. Presently an elder arose and re- . marked that their beloved pastor evidently intended his hearers to spend a little season in meditation,, whereupon,every one meditated with great assiduity for five minutes longer. At the expiration of this time it . was feared that Mr Sunbright might have fallen down in a fit, and three, gentlemen simultaneously went into; the pulpit, and, amid general consternation,' reported that he had totally vanished. The excitement that ensued was tremendous, and the meeting broke up in disorder. No one ventured to explain the mysterious disappearance except an elderly single lady, who suggested a sudden raid on the. part of envious angels. This theory rapidly gained adherents, in the absence of any opposite theory, and might have been generally accepted had not a faint knocking beneath the pulpit been heard). An examination was instituted, and; Mr Sunbright was discovered, much abrased as to his surface, and inwardly filled with righteous indignation. Fortunately, he had sustained no serious injury, and he was conveyed into the adjoining lectureroom, and subjected to a variety of soothing processes by the local medical man. There probably never was a worse small boy than the ingenious contriver of tho trap. To a certain extent he has. since expiated his offence; but Mr Sunbright is firmly convinced that there, is no punishment that, will do justice to the culprit, in which opinion all respectable persons will agree. At present; the small boy studies as weli as recites on his feet; but that circumstance, with all that it implies, gives but transient comfort to the injured minister. The pulpit floor, as well as Mr Sunbright, has since been thoroughly repaired; but the * painful incident deserves to be , noted, partly as a warning to Mr Talmage and partly as a melancholy evidence that iJirchville possesses positively the worst of all existing small boys.