DISCLOSING SECRETS.

Thames Star, Volume VIII, Issue 2915, 19 June 1878, Page 2

DISCLOSING SECRETS.

A MEttßr Evening- With the Phonograph. v

(BCBIiIN6n:?N HAWL-BTS.)

It happened that Mrs Barstinglow was going down to Keokuk for a few days, and Mr Karslinglow was inconsolable. At one time ho protested that e'ie should not go; he could not endure the lonesome house during her absence. And then again he declared that if she must go,,he would neglect his office, and let his business go to the bow wows, and he would go wulx her. At length, however, she , persuaded him to be reasonable, end on her repeated assurance that she would not remain away lovige? than three days, he ' consented lo let her go. He even bought a ticket, pud ordered the c^riage and paid for it two days ahead, lest, his resolution, should give way, and he should forbid her going from kirn. And front that lime to tie morning of her depdrtare, Mr Bursfinglow spoke in subdued Cones, and moved about with the air of a man

whose heart was buried under mountains of grief.

Before she left tho house, Mrs Barstinglow sot tho phonograph in the sitting room behind the clock. Then she kissed her disconsolate husband, and begged him to preserve his precious life for her sake while she was away, and then she was gone. Every day, during her three days' visit in the Gate City, she received a letter from her mourning husband, begging her to come back, and telling her how lonesome he was without her, ?ad how like a grave the empty house seeirec, and how the hours dragged over bis aching heart with leaden feet. And in three dnys she came home, and filled the solemn house with sunlight and laughter pgain. The evening after her return to Burlington, she took down the phonograph. "I wonder," shesaid, " what we said last in its hearing P It must have been something while we were discussing my visit. Or may bo it has caught some of • your poor, longing moanings while I was away." And then she turned tho cr&nk. "Lord no," croaked tho phonograph,

in tones of hearty reassurance, " no danger of that; she's safe in Xeokuk for g£.three days ; saw her safely off myself, this morning" Light your cigar "while I light another lamp and make th© room look cheerful." "Why," exclaimed Mrs Barstinglow, in a countenance of amazement, " what on earth is it saying ?." "Oh, some nonsense some of_ your visitors have talked into it some time or other," replied her husband, nervously, "people talk all kinds of stuff into a phonograph, you know. They say anything for talk." Mrs Barstinglow, looking only half convinced, gave the crank another turn. '■' This is devilish good whisky,.Barsty," ejaculated the machine, very earnestly. "You don't get it ju Burlington,. do you?" Mrs Barstinglow gave a little shriek. y "My dear," said her husbaud, looking now quite as worried as he had looked when he was begging her not to goto Keokuk, "put it away; somebody has had it put in the stable, and it might pay something perfectly shocking, you know. Put it away." ' , But Mrs Barstinglow, upon whom the spirit bt investigation had descended with great power, ground away, and the phonograph, in a voice marvellously like-her husband.'s went remorselessly on. \ " Not much ; they don't make this kind now. It's some old' Mqnongahela, copper distilled, that Mrs Barsfcinglow's mother gave her for medicinal purposes three years a-<o. . Fill up, there's 'plenty .of ■ it, and r can replace it with any kind of beverage when it's gone. The old girl won't know the difference."

Mrs Earstinglow felt herself turning to stone, but the next turn of the crank brought out an:uproarious— - " Ha, ha, ha! Here's to the 0.g.! " That fanned her cheeks into a flame. ', "For mercy's sake, Malachi Barstinglow," she shrieked, "what does this mean."

Mr.Barstinglow now lookad as though he really did wish she had never gone co Krokuk.

"It's just asTtell you," be said, with an effort to look unconcerned that was like a humorous book, a colossi success so far as its utter failure was concerned. " Somebody has been talking all soris of nonsense into it just for°talk' v s sake. How else could it get hold of such dreadful stuff in our dear little home, lovey? " Mrs Barstinglow didn't say, but she turned away, and the phonograph asked carelessly: "Threw round for the deal? " -

v-;. She thought she would faint, but she didn't, and the pitiless machine proceeded to remark, with a variety of voices :

" It's my age.", " You'll have to straddle that blind if you come in." , . " Give me two cards." " Chip one." ' " I'll see your little one and raise you a couple." " Push the bottle this way, Ben." " Aint you going to siay in, Harry ? " " Oarr't stay in on a pair of sixes." "Call you." " Two small pair, kings to head." " Tens and deuces. Take the pot." "Barsty, get us something to eat. Old girl left the cupboard keys, didn't she ? " "Lord, yes; told her I was going to keep back at home to save expenses and keep out of bad company." "Ha, ha, ha!' Ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! " " Oh S " yelled Mr Barstinglow, unable to contain himself any longer, Ayliile his wife, "more dead than alive, leaned over the phonograph and ground away at the crank in a dazed kind of a way. "Oh keep it up ! That's right! Keep her a j going!. Grind it all out! Dog gone the diabolical piece ,'oi black art and the vile assassin that invented it. Krep it up! That's right! Believe a senseless, diabolical piece of monstrous mechanism rather than your husband.' Keep hera going. Keepitup. ' And Mrs Barstinglow did keep ifc up. She kept it up aud listened to that phono graph swear and shout and howl; she heard it shriek, " Oh, my eye, my eye! " JB)\f* heard it tell tome one to let some one rise " have it again in the same plnce." (She heard it warn somebody to "hold his ; head over the stove health, and not let his nose bleed on the carpet," and at last, as it assured her very thickly and with fome difficulty, that ifc was" a ban.of jorry good fuf-fuf-fellows," and that it " won' : hic-won' gome till raorning," she ground it into silence, and sruk back, speechless and breathless, while Mr Barstinglow took the phonograph out into the back yard and smashed it into so many and so small fragments that it couldn't reproduce even a steamboat whistle. .

And now, when people go.over to the Barstinglows' to spend a pleasant evening, and happen to say— " What have you done witli the phonograph, Mr Barstinglow ?" It affords the" visitors entertainment for tho rest of the evening to study the different expressions which creep over the faces of Mr and Mrs Barstinglow, while Barstinglow, as he answers the question, thinks he would give !j? 10,000 if he could find out bow the members of the Paragraphers' Association tell lies so ,easily and make them sound so marvellously like the truth.