What Everybody Says.

Thames Star, Volume VII, Issue 2551, 10 March 1877, Page 2

What Everybody Says.

" In multitude of counselors there is safet;.'' .';' • -■ • ' —Old' Proverb

In the leading column of the Star yesterday -readers will have read an article on the causes of drunkenness, in which comparisons were instituted between the great," wine producing " countries of France, Italy, Spain and Portugal, and England, the latter being credited with more, drunkenness. It is well, perhaps, that the" term " wine-producing " was used, because that may explain the question. If the wine producing countries supply their product to the consuming country in which drunkenness prevails, everybody knows that the inhabitants of those countries have vices which are as bad or worse than drunkenness ; for has not England progressed, drunken though her people may be, while these " wine producing " countries have gone back in the scale of nations ? Prance and perhaps Italy are exceptions, but England "certainly has gone forward, extending, her commerce and her dominions, while the others remain as they were or have retrograded—the exceptions above mentioned being admitted; And certainly the wine produced by these countries has not condifced to increase the drinking habits of the English. The latter have their fa-vorite-beverage^—beer. Then look at Scotland and Ireland. Both are famous for their " whisky producing" capabilities, and their whisky consuming habits. Yet these countries pißgress, and it is a problem for the abstainers to work out, how these portions of one great empire ia which drunkenness prevails make such rapid strides past their more temperate neighbors. Itmay be said in reply that if the vice of drunkenness were less prevalent they would progress more ; but" the iact seems to be that with all their drunkenness they are more progressive than their tern- i perate neighbors. How is it? - I

Everybody knows * that queer things are: written, or rather chiselled on tombstones. So original are some, both in the words chiselled and the figures carved, that collections of these epitaphs are made, and some there are who like reading them. Tomb-stones, in fact, often ■record the -deeds :done by some bygone Niero, and an appropriate device; is placed above the lines which describe his virtue's, real or imaginary. Two soldiers, one weeping, a broken gun, the endof a dismounted cannon peeping out from a flag which nearly covers it, with occasionally a cocked hat and a sword underneath, serve to remind that deceased was a soldier. Part of a ship with many holes in it, and whose rigging is confined to three ropes and a quarter of a mast prepare us for the description 1 of some naval exploit of the departed one. And various other signs there be, as of a gentleman teaching two boys, to show that lie was the-founder of .a school numbering now over 500, and these have hitherto been regarded- as; not *ib of. place. Though these are not out of place, yet somethings are it seems;. at least such is the decision of the Yk?ar.of Wadsley in Yorkshire, as seen bj^he following. :4-It seems that a cricketer of more local than universal fame lately died. His name was Keeton. His wife, acting as others have, had placed over his tombstone, not a cocked hat, for he was,no soldier; noryet a ship, for he was no sailor 5 norytta

large figuro of a man holding a church in his hand, for he was no preacher; but simply the resemblance of those things by..which he got his livelihood, viz., a bat, a ball, three stumps and two bails ! Pads and gloves were not carved on the stone ; perhaps Mr Keeton did not use them ; but, »t any rate, sufficient was carved to arouse the ire of the vicar, who ordered the unseemly design to be effaced. It repented him, however, afterwards, and effaced they were not, but not until the matter had caused no little ill-feeling and much satire in the shape of little copies of rhymes directed against the vicar and churchwardens. The following is a copy of one of these :—

O, Wadsley Bridge, where Keeton bloomed, Thy vicar's wits, what ails ? To bowl the stumps of Keeton tombed, " Estreat his buried b.Als ! Could Keeton plead to his life's fame, He'd urge the symbols germnn, More home, than to some parsons came, Prayer bcok and bands and sermon. That hit, and all he now must waive, Score closed, runs run, gvceu swarded; Alas ! he cannot guard his &rave As his mid-stump was guarded. But why disturb the symbolled stone Above t!rs qu'et sleeper, Who, w'th bis He's score fairly shown, Must face Heaven's wicket keeper ? Dying, perhaps, he thoughi 1: "If he's olio As is fit to keep wicket, He'll Iciow a Crickeier when he sees one, And hand me my gate ticket."

As everybody knows there has been a great talk for some time past about the necessity of having a bridge over the Kauaeranga. Everybody: agreed that it was necessary, the only difficulty that appeared likely to interfere was the question of means to make a way. Now there is some probability of there being forthcoming another difficulty, and that is the" question of where is, the bridge to be made. Some want one place some another, and between.them all the construction of the bridge seems as far off as ever. People are said-to sigh for what they wish for, and as all wished for a bridge of some size, it seems probable that ere built it will be a bridge of some sighs.

Everybody knows the lines, more forcible than grammatical, written about an unpopular member of an' unpopular body, a tax-collector. They are supposed to be said by a gentleman who had paid his rates, to a friend who had not —• ' Here comes Mr 'Winter,, collector of tar;«?, 'I advise you to pi: y him whetevef he axes,' For though his: name's -Winter l.is actions are summary, . So I advise you to pay him Without any flummery. The' Borough Council have apparently actedon the principle which guided Mr Winter, arid issued summonses right and left. If anybody could make a a joke on the name of their collector souaajjody might soar into verse on his .accounttoo, but the name presents many difficulties to the. rhymer. Some have tried, but not with great success, as may be judged from these— • A widow here I sit sewing and hemming To scrapa together coin for Mr F g. Another, person who had a bad habit ( of using 'rather strong language, said— That nothing made hi*n fes 1 so like condemnirg As seeing rt his door thct Mr F g.

A great many people can remember the time when it was not an accomplishment of everybody to be able to read and write. Mr Toodles—not the gentleman of a convivial turn personified so well by Mr J. L. Hall, but an imaginary engineer—said he couldn't read to speak on; as to writing he could manage to chalk a bit, but there his skill ceased.... Long words especially are trying to some people, and many, for the. life of them cannot manage to get through them without dissecting them arid reading each syllable by itself. But though the intellect is weak the spirit) may be ambitious of knowing what is going on, and. for: this purpose the newspapers are.read...lt fell on a night this week that a man and his wife were reading the evening paper to : gether, or rather he was reading and she listening, when-r-it was Thursday evening—he came to the part which contained the doings of-the Assessment Court, arid how it satifor. six hours and a half. The first word was, however, too much for one mouthful, so, he began in his usual way* ass, ass; assess, merit, andi pronounced the whole word-assea-ment, and not knowing the precise meaning, appealed to his wife to help him:out. This she did by informing him; ft was *" one of; them places where they went to about the rates. 1' This was enough for the reader, \yhp couldn'tjjgjßt the first two syllables of the word out of his mind, but. kept: mumbling^;—" asses," "rates," "six hours and a half/ .-Well he exclaimed at last, "I thought it must be something of that sort !> Six hours and ahalf to talk about a rate, why, what donkeys they must have been to; be sure !'*

! Everybody- knows that .circumstances alter cases, and not only cases but fashions, and it being the case that much gold has been fdund, and more expected from a certain mine in the district, affairs are said to be looking up in the district. It i 3 certain that people's thoughts and minds have been so running upon the Moanatairi shares that they seem to have scarcely a thought to bestow on anything else. This is carried to such an extent that even at dinner. many seem to grudge a moment to: anything else than eating and drinking. Thus, if while taking soup you happen to address a remark to your neighbour, he will probably answer you with his mouth full of Turtle (that benig now the favourite kind of soup). Salmon by those who observe Lent is greedily devoured, bat without the Roe, which is found to be too hard for digestion unless accompanied with a spoonful of Jelly (some pronounce" the J. hard) and so it is left for the next Comer, who generally finds it as cold as a Stone.