Excerpta.

Thames Star, Volume IIII, Issue 1702, 17 June 1874, Page 2

Excerpta.

Most men like to see themselves in print. Ladies like to see themselves in silks and velvets —Anon.

I 4is quite true about the men, and equally true about tbe ladies, but tbe latter —or some of them—like to see themselves in print. Some of the ladies pride themselves more on their prints than on their silks or velvets. Chactin a son gout; and wo wish to humour all tastes. If the ladies make as good a show in print as they do in silks and brocades who shall fay them nay. Ladies write good things occasionally, as ; well as the lords of creation, and are not given to verbosity any more than tho lords of creation. So we propose to afford them a rent under the conditions suggested by the above title ; not excluding the men, however, from this column, but placing both sexes on an equal footing. To begin with some of the partially rejected contributions, here is a specimen from one who's got a fit of rhyming—the cacoethis scribnndi generally assumes this form in its early stages—and the subject is " Troubled Waters "—a mild attempt at a joke, wo presume, on the pending litigation about pumping business whicn nobody understands at present. Omitting the "scene" and the introductory passages of the dramatis personoe, here beginneth—

Jawbones : Good night friend ; 'tit piercing cold.

Fljcove: Piercing! said you; ob, and coldtr still;— My i ether limbs do disobey my will. Jawbones; Darn the elements! Though King Frost very often numbs Tho props of worldly creatures, Their noses and their thumb*, He's never known to put the drag op Tongues, like ours, that like to wag on. Let's be gay, then—town talk discuss : This drainage bosh has caus'd a muss. Fljcove : That's (ruo; the Big Pump looks uncommon blue.

Jawbones: Parbleti! does it. But, my good friend, „ Canst tell us what will bo the end ; For by gods and goddesses all, To this thing I'm not up at all.

Fljcovo : It's nought but vanity, and mosi vexatious —

In some respects exceedingly mendacious. The Smiler, you must know, has made a big stand, And courts the Queens and Yorks to lend a . hard. And beautiful Queen, contented and haughty, Though Dot at al! green, is said to be naughty, For she went in some time since hot 'gainst the Smile! Ana now—fickle things—le^'s tho Bright un ter beguile. Like other Querns, coming dangers to o'erthrow, She make* a fast friend of him who was her fo-. The City's uncertain—unlike all the rest, For t'others go in to do their level brat. They've declar'd, d' y'see, that drain'd they are not, And have work'd themselves into areg'lar ' scot.

Jawbones : This is singular—rum—extraordinary— queer! Drain >ge, it would seem, of all games is most dear.

Flycsve: And this exciting rumpus—so people sayArose ( ut of something occurred t'other day. Jawbones: Sagacious Flycore! of all fly coves most fly, Proceed, dear chum, and to fol'ow you I'll try.

Flycovo : For the flat to look big (the Cracker of course), ~ They must keep up (ho " dig," and darn all the cost. TSow, the Pump of the Council aak'd, lately, a vote, la order the f»kemeht correctly to float. A promise was gat, whether pic-cruet or not • To us is all one, and don't matter a jot. So Bright 'un and others—their waistcoats BWclliDg— A. doputnti»nscn', withargumentitellingj — But the grave elders, iri Parliament met, Did ultimately mark the fakemerit "stet "— Which for the unlearned being translated— thus: "Be as you were, good men, and don't mnke a fuss ! " ■ Jawbones : 'Tis the savme, 'tis the cause, my soul! Fly-cove: Cause ? say you—they're oaus-tio rery. Jawbones: O, fie! unseemly leviy! Would you jest—bo wit'y ? Flycove: No, good friend, 'tis said in pity. Jawbones: Pity 'tis that they should vasts the tin, But if they like it, we'll look on and grin. Flycove s Jawbone?, tbou r«a;onest well j but that's'nough. . Jawbones: What? snuff! FJycove: Psba! enough. And, so that we may not get prosy, Let's go and sip of Cawkwell's rosy. ! Matrimonial difficulties are not in our line, and we don't give advice on domestic matters, but after reading the doleful complaint which follows, perhaps Matilda will relent, or some one may suggest a cure for the unpleasant effects of Matilda's " distempered fancy "— " I have had a great trouble come on me. I have become ill, and thin, and haggard, and my hair is going grey. I hare consulted an aged parent and six

medical practitioners, but it's no good* I have got a wife.. Her name is Matilda. Now Matilda is a very nice woman ; but she has bad dreams, which have lately taken a most horrible form. She dreaing of burglars, and takes me, her partner, to be a burglar too. Nightly, for six nights, Matilda has conceived this unpleasant idea. At the ghostly hour of 12, or thereabouts, and at a critical point in her distempered fancy, she hits out with her. right arm. Matilda,, you must know, is jnuscular, and with a marvellous aim she strikes me fnir on the extreme end of my nose. My nasal organ happeus to be very prominent, and the consequence is that the effect of these repeated smashers have caused fearful damage. Matilda won't own up, and swears I have fallen up against a lamp-post. Mr. Editor, I can't *tand this much longer. What shall I do?"

It is usual when publishing a bad joke, or a more than ordinarily atrocious putt to advise the friends of the writer to look after him, lest he do worse. Here are some conundrums: we humour the writer for once, but he had better send future efforts to the editor of " Saturday Night." -■.■..

Why is the Nil Desperandum like a blacksmiths shop? Because there is a Bellers (bellows) in tilt. (Oh!) Which Borough Councillor's name is most indicative of his occupation ? Butt's. What is the difference between the Evening Star and the steamer Golden Crown ? The one comes out at four o'clock and the other comes in (occasion ally). Why is the Bank of New Zealand lito Gloucestershire ? Because the Severn runs through it.

What is the difference between the Telegraph and Police Departments? One has a Bull in charge, and the other is in charge of a Bullen. .

What is the difference between a compositor and a miner ? One sets up leaders and the other knocks them down.

Why is Curtis' Wharf like Cook'i Straits ? Because several vessels have gone through it.