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Thames Guardian and Mining Record, Volume I, Issue 34, 15 November 1871, Page 3

Mr. Sydney Punch to Mr. Anthony Trollope.—“ Dear, accomplished, and honored Friend, —As noiselessly as the creatures of your own delightful fancy have stolen into our hearts for years and made their homes there, you have come amongst us, the brave master, the kindly magician, the eloquent teacher. The very city seems nobler when we think that you are walking its streets, and that its citizens may look upon one who has given so much happiness to millions. Shall we allow you to leave us without publicly assuring you how deeply we are sensible of your claims upon all English-speaking peoples ? how much we cherish yodr reputation —how truly wc feel it to be our duty to give you such a greeting that you may say of us, in the tender language of Dickens to America, ‘No European sky without, and no cheerful or wcll-wanncd room within, shall ever shut out this land from my vision.’ For our part wc offer you a hearty/welcome. Eng"and could send us no one whom we know so well, no one whom wc love better. Year after year we have been back again in the dear old laud with you, in the green lanes, and in the shadow of the noble minsters of England. Every mail from the old country has brought to all of us some sweet picture from your hand which has kept our iremory green. And now for all you have done, and done so well, to sweeten social intercourse, to delight, to amuse, to alleviate human suffering to strengthen the tics that bind us to the dear old laud, accept the gratitude of your faithful friend and devoted admirer.— Sydney Punch. An Old Offender.—Country gentleman (eyeing liis gardener suspiciously) : “ Dear, dear me, Jeffries, this is too had? After what I said to you yesterday, I didn’t think to find you .” Gardener : “ You can’t shay—(hie)—l was drunk yeslit’day, sh— 1” Country gentleman (sternly) : “ Arc you sober this morning, sir ?” Gardener : “ I’m —sliliglitly shober, sliir 1” A curious incident occurred in New Orleans a few weeks ago. Just as Justice Evans was leaving his office he was confronted by two charming young ladies, who requested a private interview. Conducting them into his office, the bland magistrate inquired in what way he could oblige them. “You are a justice of the peace, are you not ?” the eldest and by far the prettiest of them inquired. “ Yes,” lie said. “And can marry people—that is, can marry a lady ?” “ Well, yes, if the lady brings a bridegroom along with her. lam not a marryiug man myself,” rejoined the trembling magistrate, fearing lest his own freedom was involved in the issue. “ Oh, not at all,” said the damsel; and turning to her companion, continued : “ I reckon, Willie, you can strip off those togs.” No sooner said than done. The young lady's companion commenced to tear off her dress with haste. Inexpressibly shocked (for the judge is a very modest man), he turned to escape from the roo n, when a second glance lie could not restrain revealed to him the fact that the supposed young lady in process of stripping off her female gear was not a girl but a strapping boy, who had used the disguise to get liis Dulcinea in the presence of a magistrate. Of course this explained the situation, and without more ado the judge proceeded to join them in holy bonds “until death or the divorce courts should them sever.” In remuneration for liis trouble, tlic bride gave him a smackingkiss, and went on her way rejoicing. To use the judge’s own expressive phraseology, “ That kiss was beautiful ?”— Harjtcv's New Monthly.

“ Fatty,” a lady called to a little girl who was in the parlor, “ did you tell your mother that I was here ? “ Yes,” replied Fatty, demurely. “And what did she say?” “She said, ‘ Oh, that dreadful woman again !’ ” Of the 1001 young ladies who fainted last year, 997 fell into the arms of gentlemen, two fell on the floor) and one into a waterbutt.

“ I live in Julia’s eyes,” said an affected dandy. “ Don’t wonder at it,” replied his friend, “ since I observed she had a sty in them the last time I saw her.”

Trying to get up business without advertising is like winking at a pretty girl through a pair of greeu goggles. You may know what you arc doing, but nobody else does.

ape of Good Hope.—The Argutt says we have files from the Cape of Good Hope and Natal. From the Cape, the most important news is the rejection of the bill for introducing responsible government, which was lost in the Legislative Council by a narrow majority, after having passed the Assembly. Both Houses of Parliament carried resolutions in favor of annexing the diamond-fields, but the Governor decliucs to initiate any legislative action in the matter for the present. A bill to annex Basutoland passed the Legislative Council. The Assembly authorised by bill a loan of £IOO,OOO for harbor works at East London, the expenditure not to be more than £15,000 per annum. The Assembly also agreed to an expenditure of not more than £30,000 towards the construction of a graving dock in Table Bay, another £30.000 to be paid by the Imperial Parliament. Diamonds continue to be found in large numbers. One stone has been found weighing 120 carats. News from Natal, dated August 24th reports frightful ravages of cholera along the east coast. The accounts states:— “ At Quillimanc the cholera, had receded into the interior, after destroying from 4000 to 5000 natives. One-tliird of the force destined for the Zambesi had died, and the expedition had to be abandoned. Only two or three whites had sucumbed. The disease appeared to have gone into the interior, as it did at Zanzibar, and was reported to prevail at Senna.”

One stormy, blustering night, a verdant couble presented themselves at the residence of a certain Norfolk clergyman, requesting to be married. After the ceremony was performed, the happy groom, pocket-book in hand, asked : “Wall, Squire, what’s to pay?” The astonished and expectant Reverend modestly replied that lie never named his price for any such service, but accepted whatever anyone one was pleased to give him. The money was returned to the capacious pocket with a grin and a how. “ Wall, I’m oblccged to ye, I declare : I’ll do as much for you some time.” “ Yes,” chimed in the blushing bride, with an astonishing courtesy, “ much obliged to ye, as fur as I’m consarncd. If it aliad’ut stjrmed, we should have gone to Dedham. In the course oE au editorial on the Scott ccutenary, the writer quoted Scott's well known lines : “ Oh, Calcdcmia, stem and wild, Meet nurse for a poetic child.” The compositor set it thus : Oh, Caledonia, stern and wild, Wet uurse for a poetic child. A quarrelsome couple were discussing the subject of epitaphs and tombstones, and the husband said: “My dear, what kind of a stone do you suppose they will give me when I die ?” “ Brimstone, my love !” was the affection ate reply. A jeweller of Southbridge, Massachusetts, lias made a silver low pressure marine engine every part complete, which covers no larger space than a silver quarter dollar. It is deas of “ tcu-mosquito power.” Aud louder yet when he is soundly beat. 1