LAUCHIE M’SPORRAN’S FIRST VOTE.

Temuka Leader, Issue 2392, 30 August 1892, Page 4

LAUCHIE M’SPORRAN’S FIRST VOTE.

Many were the delusive hopes raised by the recent extension of the franchise"; and Lauchie M’ Sporran, of Sneeshin’ Mill, Gartahoolichan, was not the only free and independent elector who tell a victim to his own credulity. Previous to the last election, Lauchie knew absolutely nothing of the mysteries and privileges of the ballot; his mind was a sheet of white paper, on which the first interested party tout might inscribe what he pleased. This fact was well known to the Tory candidate for Lauchie’s county, Lord D’Acres Keepdeer, who determined to forestall his opponent’s canvassers by calling personally on the miller of Gartahoolichan. Oh! but Lauchie M’Sporran was proud, proud, when his lordship put in an appearance at Sneeshin’ Mill, and shook hands with Lauchie, his wife Janet, and the ragged lot of youngsters tumbling about the kitchen floor.

“ It’s the prood, prood mans that LaUchie M’Sporran iss the day, your lordship, and so iss Shanet too,” sputtered out the miller, as he set a chair for his noble visitor, “ And you weans cot out o’ this wiss you, or, py ta top of Ben Nevis I I’ll knock your noses about your mooths.” This desperate threat speedily cleared the kitchen, “ Ah—hum I—you — ah —have a large family, Mr M’Sporran,” began Lord Keepdeer, thinking that it might be as well to preface the object of his visit with a little flattery. “ And, by Jawge I uncommon nice children they are too—hum I uncommon ! How many are there of them, may I ask? “ She’ll tell your lordship wiss the most of pleasure,” answered Lauchie, extremely flattered and flustered with the question. ‘ I’ll shust coont them for your lordship: Dougal and Shanet’s wan, and Haraish iss two, an ta Johnny t’at was droont in ta mill lade iss three, and ta three twins t’at was borned on ta same day is six, but whn o’ tnhm dee’dnext mornin’ t’at’s seeven ’ ‘Stop, stop! said his lordship, whose brain had been set a-whirling by Lauchie’s peculiar arithmetic, you’ll count them for me some other —hum! —time, Mr M’Sporran. By-the-bye, have you heard what those confounded Liberals are trying to do ? They want to pull down the ‘ Auld Kirk,’ Mr M’Sporran.’ ‘ Want to pu’ down ta auld kirk ! ’ interrupted Lauchie. ‘ Shanet are ye blint, or deaf, t’at ye don’t listen what tae lordship is saying? Och! but she’ll be glad, fery glad of t’at same, and so will Shanet too. It was shust next Sabbath or more t’at tarain dropt from ta roof of ta kirk more as sixteen or three times on Shanet’s new mutch, and Shanet wass the angry womans too whatefer.’ ‘ You mistake me entirely,’ said Lord Keepdeer, cursing in one and the same breath the Franchise Bill and Lauchie M’Sporran’s stupidity. 1 You misunderstand ! What I mean to say is that the Liberals wish to do away with the grand old Kirk of Scotland though they haven’t managed it yet. And what is even worse, they wish to rob the poor man of his be of his whisky, Mr M’ Sporran.’ ‘What did you’l say ?’ exclaimed Lauchie, ‘Wass you’l mean that Lauchie M’Sporrrn wass no tae get her dram o’ whusky ? ‘ The Liberals want to do away with whisky, Mr M’Sporran.’ ‘ 0 ta hang’t scoondrels !’ cried Lauchie. ‘They should pe all droont and hang’t in ta fire, and after getting naesing’s but ta water ta eat and trink all t’er days.’ ‘I trust, therefore, said his lordship, rising, ‘that pou will—er —show your _ er —detestation for for such demoralising principles by giving me your—hum! —vote !’ ‘ Certainly no’; of coorse she wull.’ was Lauchie’s rather contradictory reply as he grasped Lord Keepdeer s outstretched hand, and shook it with all reverence. ‘ And so will Shanet too.

‘We will do without Janet’s vote in the meantime,’ said his lordship ; and after giving Lauehie some directions about how he was to vote he took his departure, fully convinced that he had secured a staunch supporter. Two or three days elapsed before the Liberal canvasser called at Sneeshin’ Mill. At first he could extract nothing from Lauehie but grunts and growls. Being a bit of a wag, however, he determined to practise on the miller’s credulity. Accordingly he told Lauehie that should the Liberals get in power, not only would the poor man be allowed to shoot hares and rabbits and catch as many salmon as he pleased, but everyone would be presented with 14,530 square yards of arable land and a ruminant quadruped .—which he ipfornied Lauehie was Latin for three acres and a cow. This made Lauehie open his eyes very wide. 1 Oh, Shanet, did you’ll ever hear ta similiar of t’at ?’ he burst forth. ‘lt was just to-morrow or ta day after t’at Shanet was told me she would pe ta happy womans if she had ta coo. But t’is is more fan we expected for, and she’ll get ta coo, wisoot <loot, if she’ll vote for to Libbels, you’ll say ?’ The canvasser assured Lauehie that such would infallibly be the case if the voting papers were marked the right way, and he gave the miller a printed card showing him how to put his cross opposite the name of J. Bagganall Bolter, the Liberal candidate ; then he took his leave, chuckling at the success of his artful dodge. It would have taken a much cleverer man, however, than the Liberal canvasser to fathom Lauchie’s purposes anent the coming election day. Indeed, it is doubtful if Lauehie could have fathomed them himself. Many were the excited dialogues between Lauehie and Janet on the subject ; but as these were invariably held in Gaelic, I must decline attempting to jreport them. * (Zo he continual)