THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

Temuka Leader, Issue 2063, 24 June 1890, Page 2

THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

No doubt lay friends have been wondering what hag me to remain silent for a long time. J jyill make no secret of it. I have been on strike. I formed a trades union of one, and went on strike under the following circumstances One night while burning the midnight oil I was visited by the muse who has persona] charge of me, and inspired me as follows— #ere I to live for a thousand ages, dress myself in a suit of rhyme I ne’er would strike for a rise of Wages, But cheat my master half the time.” ’ That’s the idea,” I said, “ work in proportion to pay,’’ and so I worked accordingly, and did nothing. This led to an investigation into the value I of my work, and the investigation led ' to an altercation, with the result that i

I struck both the editor and the work together.

The very next day my friend, F. W. Badham. Esq., editor and proprietor of the Bulmer Boozer (a journal that is a great deal talked about, but never seen), called on me, and said, “ Come on to the Dunedin Exhibition. I have a grand thing on.” It was just into my hand, and I went. The first place we visited in Dunedin was a brewery. I told Mr Badham I did not want to go there, as I had no business there, but he replied, “ I have. Come on,” and by superior brain power he actually hypnotised me into going. In we went, and the manager made his appearance, and Mr Badham pulled aaample of barley out of his pocket and offered to sell it at 4<s per bushel. The manager could not touch it at that price, but at the same time be invited us to have a glass of beer, and we did. We sampled a large quantity of beer, and then left. I asked Mr Badham afterwards why he asked such a monstrous price for the barley, and he replied, “ My dear Sir Oori, that is the good thing I have on. Ton see if I had asked a reasonable price he might have bought it, and my stock- iu-trade would have been gone. I did not bring this to sell. I brought it to travel on. We shall go to every brewery in Dunedin, and offer the barley at an exhorbitant figure, and we shall drink freely at each. In this way we shall kill two birds with one stone : first we shall have a merry time of it getting our beer on the cheap, and next we shall so increase the consumption of beer that there will be a rise in the price of barley soon. I have selected you to be with me because I know no one else who has a better carrying capacity.” Need I tell more; need I tell how we went through other breweries, and what glorious times we had, or say how I admire the genius who thought out such a magnificent scheme. Ah, these were the days for a man to be young and thirsty.

While in Dunedin Mr Badham confided to me a secret which I would not tell for the world to anyone living outside of my dear readers, and I know they will keep it to themselves. He told me he had nearly perfected arrangements by which he would be enabled to get the plant cf theßulmer Boozer out of the pawn shop—the Bank of New Zealand I mean—where it has lain for years with a lien over it. A syndicate of wealthy men had arranged to buy it, and run it in the interests of capital, and all details were settled on, only that the syndicate insisted on getting the professional plant of the peacemaker into the bargain. Now, Mr Badham did not wish to part with the plant of his profession, and the syndicate insisted on having it, so as to be in a position to dispose of the staff of this paper expeditiously. I suggested to Mr Badham that he should get an electric plant from America, and he at once adopted my idea. He has written to New York for a plant, and when it arrives all will be settled. The Bulmer Boozer will have existence, and Mr Badham will henceforth perform his functions by electricity,

While I was on strike I made the acquaintance of La Grippe. It took a mean advantage of me. It got its knee in the small of my back, and its hands in my throat, and all the profanity and whiskey I could summon to my aid would not shift it. Whiskey being the specific for it, I mixed it freely with other ingredients, but all to no purpose till one night I laid down and prepared for a long journey. I am not going to describe my feelings, but will tell you what I did." I wrote the following epitaph, with instructions to have it engraved on my tombstone :

Here liea a scion of the aristocracy To be stamped and tramped on by the vile democracy. In life he aye held high Ids nose up, But one calm night he turned his toes up. His soul went somewhere, and left his body Smelling suspiciously of whisky toddy, And balm of Gilead and quinine pills, And other nostrums which cure all ills.

Good Christians let your tears here drip Where lies a pietim of the vile Li Grippe.

This poetry put the set on La Grippe, X believe it is the idea that it was reducing a seiou of the aristocracy to such a low level that touched it iu a tender part, for it was gone next morning, and I was well. I continued on strike, however, until a few days ago. The editor found he could not do y/ithout me any longer, and so be joined a tradep with the hotelkeepers to get me back. They stopped my liquor, but I resolved X not be beaten, and proceeded £o where I could queue!) my jtbjrst, bqt X was told that I could UQt gQ- We trades union which the editor and hotelkeepers had formed had affiliated With the railway employes union, and they would not touch me uo more than they would Shag Point coal. There was nothing for it but to yield to fate—no trades unionism. I had j my choice of dying of thirst, or coming back to my duties. 1 adopted the latter course for prudential reasons, and here I am. Ido not believe they will ever let me go out of town again.

The reason for forcing me to return to my duties is that I am wanted to look after the political department just now. It takes an aristocrat like myself to understand politics. There is no use in talking, no one but au aristocrat pan understand politics. How could it b©

otherwise. We of the aristocracy have been trained to politics from the earliest times. In the earliest stages of history the strongest man was the aristocrat, and carried on government very often by eating the opposition. Subsequently the aristocracy got more humane, and instead of eating their opponents they made slaves of them. Again the policy was changed, and the slaves were translated into serfs, and later still into servants. Now, although there have been outward and visible signs of changes our policy has still remained practically the same. The aristocracy commenced by living on the flesh of their opponents, in the fine old days of cannibalism, but ever since they abandoned that form of taxation, they have lived on the sweat of their opponents, and grown fat on it too, much fatter than previously. From this retrospective view of the aristocracy, it can be seen at a glance that they alone understand politics. If the plebeians understood the science they would of course have secured their fair share of the good things ot this earth long a go, but they don’t, and consequently it would be very foolish to send Mr Edgeler to Parliament. He is not aristocratic enough. The House of Representatives is a threeI cornered sort of an arrangement just now. There is the Government, the Opposition, and Sir John Hall.

The leader of the Government on last Friday moved a complimentary vote to Major Campbell on retiring from the position of clerk. The leader of the Opposition seconded, but Sir John Hall had to shove in his oar. He, of course, is the wet nurse of the Government and must have his say.

With regard to Major Campbell, I need not wish him luck. He is lucky without my wishing him. He has been clerk of the House for 33 years and now he retires on a pension of £466, and it is said that he will get a seat in_ the Upper House, That really is beautiful. For working about 3 months a year for the last 33 years he has enjoyed a salary of between £6OO and £BOO a year, and now he retires on a splendid income. The honorarium of members was cut down to £l5O a year, but no reduction was made in this gentleman’s salary. The unequal way in which the good things of earth are distributed is certainly objectionable.

Sir George Gray aims at bursting up Parliament now that he has failed in bursting up large estates. Sir George was largely instrumental in putting the present team into power, and they have been the source of great annoyance to him ever since. He is a splendid example of a windy democrat who always acts as an aristocrat.

I am told the members of Parliament are going to form themselves into a trades union against Mr K. M, Taylor, of Sydenham. Mr Taylor has a most peculiar habit of jumping the claims of everyone else. Let any other member originate anything good Mr Taylor will at once seize it, bring in a Bill on the subject, and claim it as a creation of his own brain. This is rather hard on members ; it is very hard on a man to invent a thing, and yet see Mr Taylor taking all the credit to himself. Mr Taylor is a beautiful specimen of a political humbug.

Sir George Grey, however, has done him this trip. Mr Taylor, and also Mr Joyce, another of the same elk, had each an 8 hours’ bill to bring into Parliament, but Sir George Grey jumped their claim, and introduced his bill before them, so they are out of it now. Last year the Dunedin members were commissioned by a public meeting at Dunedin to move for a commission to inquire into sweating. Mr Taylor jumped their claim, and brought the matter up himself. I think meddling members like this ought to be scalped, the product of such an enterprise to be used in stuffing the speaker’s chair. Com O’Lanus, K.C.M.G,