THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

Temuka Leader, Issue 1658, 10 November 1887, Page 2

THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

Wellington, Guy Fawkes' Eve. I have just arrived here. I came out in Lord Knowawho's yatfit, and went straight to Government Mouse to introduce. His Lordship to the Governor. We found His Excellency suffering from the "dandy fever," and in poor spirits. I suppose you have heard of the " dandy fever." It got its name from the fact that a large number of the new members of Parliament are very dandily dressed, and, as it attacked ihem first, people now think the dandies brought it with them. It is consequently called "dandy fever." It is a disease peculiar to the aristocracy, and consequently it must soon reach your district. I feel for some people down your way.

The " dandy fever" has followed the course of Major Atkinson's retrenchment. It began at the top of the tree, with the Governor, and worked downwards through the Pre: mier himself. It had, I am told, a great difficulty in penetrating Major Atkinson's skin—it was bo thick—but it got inside of it, and effected considerable retrenchment there. The gallant Major has never shown a surplus of money in his Financial Statements, nor a surplus of flesh in bib anatomy. The " dandy fever " has

created a deficit in the latter now, but he does not find it so easy to make it up as a deficit in his Budget. He haß always managed to square up deficits in his finances with loans, and to exclaim, with Micawber, " Thank G-od, that's off my mind;" but he finds that further borrowing will not supply the deficit of flesh and blood of which the " dandy fever" has deprived him. He will have to submit to natural laws, but, with regard to the finance of the colony, I believe he will yet have to submit to the bankruptcy laws.

With regard to retrenchment, 11 have, I think, said the best thing' about it that has yet been said. You know, of course, that the great cry in England at present is that men have been worked out of employment by machinery and boy labor. Discussing this subject, Lord Knowswho and myself entered the Speaker's gallery one night last week, and, remarking the youthful look of the members, His Lordship asked: " Have all the old politician* died in this colony, or how is it the members are all so young?" "Not at all,''l said. "We have old politicians in this colony still, but the electors have decided to go in for retrenchment, and, come to the conclusion of making laws by 'boy labor.' The honorarium is consequently being cut down, and to tell you the truth I think £l5O is just as much as the, boys are worth. The boys think so.too, for they are going to vote for the reduction." 'Now, that was very good for me. If George Levens with a burnt-cork face said that he would have been pronounced a genius. At any ■' rate, it coused His Lordship to burst out in a loud peal of laughter, and we were both turned out of the gallery by the policeman on duty there. At the bottom of the stairs His Lordship fell across the doorstep in another fit of laughter, and I tumbled over him, with the result that a collision took place between the gravel walk and my nose. I had the satisfaction of noticing that the gravel walk did not escape unscathed, for a deep dent was made in it. As if [disdaining to carry about with it anything contaminated by the touch of that gravel, my nose peeled off its skin and left it in the dent, and I got up and covered it with my pocket handkerchief. I then went round the corner, not to Bing a hymn of praise, nor a song of triumph—there was nothing of the " Sound the loud timbrel" about me, I can tell you. I did not crow over having knocked a hole in the gravel walk. If you want to know what I did, just wait until your nose has fought a similar battle, and unless you have more divine than human feeling in you, you will make use of language so similar to mine that you would not know the difference.

I notice you have sent a fine strapping boy to represent you. 1 He has made his debut as a law-maker by introducing the Christchurch Drainage Bill. I was just thinking out a problem about draining roads and roads draining when His Lordship asked a question and disturbed the current of my thoughts, and the result is that a splendid pun got strangled in its con* caption (not inception, mind!). I noticed that the Christchurch Press said that he " spoke very sensibly." Goodness gracious! Did the Press expect him to speak very foolishly ? It would be better for the Press to let him. alone than to kill him with faint praise, but taste plays a very big part in these matters.

I have to acknowledge the courtesy shown to myself by Mr Khodes. He called on me, and expressed his regret that I was absent from home during the elections. After a pleasant interview, he invited me to the dinner of Young New Zealand (native-born members constitute Young New Zfealand exclusively), aud told me there was no other outsider invited ; but he had great weight with them, and would secure that privilege to me. I went. The chair was' filled by a prim, giddyheaded man of about 35 years of whom they called the doctor. If you took it into your ! head to' liken him to any bird ! you would select the cock robin at once. There was a good number of the boys present, but " Young New Zealand ", were riot all there. Some of them'sent letters of apo'ogy, which perhaps they found cheaper than to pay for their share of the feust. Four Maori members were included in "Young New Zealand," and these took the part of absent " Young New Zealand " at the table together with acquitting themselves of their own duties. The affair reminded me much of a football or a cricket-match dinner —it was so free and easy. The toasts were not worth reporting, but the songi were good. The Chairman sang— YOUNGt NEW ZEALAND. Let our seigniors gravely ponder O'er re rmchmen', and meander. Turo' the uiustv, dusty recwrda of the pist; Let the b'ordid, uiicient Vilnius Talk of borrowing otl.or millicim, And how tl.ey arrdl the Estimitea recaa!— Hippy, b',M)« and gay, We pass the away, {Jomindful of depress'?" *»d it'* *p3 ; An old head «o yotirijj Soon dies away »"d moulders, So let us t)it,g and bid dull car« to go ( Chorus— Cheer,bays, cheer for Young New ZsaUi d, Send around the bottle once agHiu ; Happy aons are we of this fiir frae land, To think of hard times ever we'll (ludam.

W» find it is of do use Oq Treasury 1.0.U.'s ' To fix our minds- such drudgery we'll shno. At btlla and garden parties We always shine, my ho»rties ; What legislators ever ha'l such fun % A deficit, we know, la very bad, but, lo ! We'll fix it. up by cutting down the serew Of the great Sir William Jcrvoii And nli the Civil Service— At any rate, the Mapr says 'twill do. Chorus—Cheer, boy», etc. We never give reflection j To Fieelrado or Protection ; These eursei Committees of Ways and Moans To bore us wors invented, Or drive us all demented, 'Tis nicer far to flirt behind the scenes. We ridicule and mock Their bonds and inscribed stock, Aad laugh at all their party calumnies ; But nothing have we hated Like the fund consolidated-^ So bore is to ourse!<lea at Bellamy's. Choius—Cheer, boys, etc. Mr Thomas McKenzie, of Olutha, sang— i THE Oh 1 listen, lnds, to me I'm going to sing a ditty ; Long it will not be, , Nor shall it be witty. I'm going to legisiaie (No*, you needn't whistle !*; To eradicate The California thistle. Chorus—Too raloo, raloo, oto. To kill it we have tried By building pigsties o'er it, It Wus the pigs that died: The weed but graw the more, It Cat a deadly woiu-d Into each porcno gristle ; . . Their was—every poundAll Ciiifornifltt thistle. Chorus—Too raloo, etc. We lit on it a fire, And laughed to see it bum ; To our di»guat and irf, It bloomed again next morn. Wo dug deep in the ground, And cut it with a chisel, There soon ngaio we found The CMifomian ihist'e. Chorus —Too nloo, etc. To farmer* 'tis but a feourg*, As rabbits to a squatter; Most earnestly I urge You now to face thi* matter. o,h, Young New Zaaland brave I You eee 'iiy eyes do tnitsle— Our country we mUHt save From the Californian thistle. Chorus—Too ruloo, etc. [*At the idea of one of their nu>nbar think* ing of legislating thoy all whin tied that ominous whistle expressive jf surpiua end doubt.] The Hon. Mr Mintste* of Justice, sang— LEAVE IT TO ME. I once followed Stout, But now rght about I'v» turned. No, not for a billot! That portfolio I go*,'as.you know, 'Ciuse none could so worthily fill it. 'Tis no use to worry 'Bout how we shall cmy Retrenchment right through every st ige, or Force us to show , Our hands. Oh, no, ho ! You must leave that to me and tho MHJor. 1 own I don't find Everything to my mind, The Major is v<*ry exacting, But I pocket my cheek, And,appear very meek, And thus do a bit of good acting. The post of Attorney My rijjlit t\ Why, burn ye { You laugh *o. I know more, I'll wager, , Than Stout does of Uw ; He's only »'l jaw, But 1 leave all these things to the Major. Fisher is stiff, And has sumetimes a tiff When Harry annoys us with drilling, And Rick'irdson, too, With S f evens looks blue, And Mitohellson says it is killing ; And then there's Fergus, AnJ that ancient Lycurgua Of another place.* He*a an old stagar. But he durst not row, We »11 band and bow, And leave everytniog to th* Major, We must be discreet To make both ends meet, So straitened now are the finances. The land fund is low ; Our debts bigger grow, To lessen them say where the chance Is. Of a good round deficit We h ive quantum sujjicit That's known well to eviry old sUgar ; But leave us alone, And give us a loan, And leave all to me and the Major, [*A member of the Legiilalira Counoil » referred to in the Houea of Representatives as a member of another place.] Young New Zealand complained of this song because there was no chorus to it in which they could join. Mr Allen rose and said he would give them one of; the old favorite ■ongs with a coal-box to it, and in a clear baritone commenced as followi ;- Ob for a willow bit, and oh for a cricket ball, Or my old fifteen of Dunedin F«st In a tough good game of football. Cries of: '.'Oh! no, no, Allen. Dash it, we are not schoolboys; give us a political song." Mr Allen said " All right," and sang— ALLEY'S THREE BS. .Stout boasted of three li'f, But 1 him with three B'e : Thßt's Btb'e, Beer, and Banks, Some «-»y they'ie sqrry now, But honest men avo,T These sorry men are all the worst of crank*' i So here \n to rqy three B,'s, They'd aye heat Stout'a three D.'i. Mr Beeves, of Christchurch, laid j the three B's would beat three D's » only in a brainless consti ueney like i Dunedin East, but the Ohairmam said, *

this was introducing debateable. matter. Mr Allen considered himself insulted, but Mr Beeves replied that he only spoke in a Toung New Zealand sense, and, of course, that settled it; but Mr Allen refused to go on •with his song. At this juncture I thought I had had enough of it, and left. i N.B.—The " dandy fever" has I caught me at last. My skin vras too I thick for it, and I was able to laugh at it until that accident to my nose, and now it has got a firm hold of me. My obituary may possibly follow this, but meantime au revoir. Cori O'Lanus.