THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

Temuka Leader, Issue 1591, 7 June 1887, Page 2

THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

Soma envious mean-spirited person, who evidently is disappointed at the honor of knighthood having been conferred on me instead of himself, has spread a report to the effect that I got drank—mind that, “ drunk ’’ was the word the assassin used—on the same evening that I -was knighted ; that I have been on the “spree” since, and that that was the reason mv con'ribulions have not appeared. Need I say this is a vile slander. The fact is I was summoned to Wellington by His Excellency the Governor to be invested with the Order of Knighthood, and my silence has been due to absence from home. While staying with His Excellency at Governrmnt House I received the following note ;

The victorious Oppositiov party would be glad to have the honor of Sir Cori O’Lanus’s company at a party dinner to be held this evening at Bellamy’* to- celebrate the defeat of the Government,

I showed this to His Excellency Sir William, who said : “ Go my friend, go. Your presence may possibly give a tone to the affair. My heart is broken by them ; there is no standing their greed ; their lust of j:ower and pelf is intollerable, Go, and if yon can pnt in a word directing their attention to their responsibility do it, and please hint that it is very mean of them..to talk of cutting down my screw." I could not refuse. His Excellency’s words were ottered in such a melancholy tone that they went to ray heart, and I went in obedience to his requee*. I readied Bellamy's in due course, and was received with demonstrations of joy by the whole party, I who rose to their feet and sang “ fle’ll he one of ns.” . The. dinner, it is needless to say, was in Mr Bellamy’s best atyle. I did not see Mr Bellamy, but I know he ' was there. After the good things had be> n done justice to, Major Atkiusop rose and said they would dispense with the usual loyal and patriotic (oasts that evening. They were too fad of joy and happiness to talk of anything but the great victory they had achieved. (Hear, hear, cheers, and cries of “ understand us.”) He would therefore propose the toast of “ Our Noble Selves,” (Tremendous cheering). The hon. aud

gallant gentleman made a tierce onslaught on the Government for not haying resigned instead of dissolving Parliament, and said that as he could express his feelings best in verse he would sing a song. (Cheers), as SOON AS i’ll PBRMIEB. Kind friends we meet in lore to-night, Though furiously we’ve fought— Though bitter words we’ve spoken oft, Forgive to-night we ought. The day of loaves and fishes ■ la dawning bright and clear. And you will get your fill my boys As soon as I’m Premier. Chorus boys— As soon as I'm Premier, As sooc as I’m Premier— The world will brighter, happier be, A*, soon as I’m Premier. " Expenses of two sessions,” bah! We tried the trick before, The country paid the piper And elected us once more. The yokels we can gull again, Let no one shake with fear, For things will smoothly rub along Ae soon as I’m Premier. Chorus—As soon as I’m Premier, etc. Twas kind of Grey to lend a hand, *Twas good of Monty too, And Orinond bravely backed us up— Although he’d lower our sorew. The question which perplexes me Is whether they’re smeare P Or, are they only aiming at Becoming the Premier? Chorus—As soon ts I’m Premier, etc.

Ah ! there’a the rub, how they’ll vote next P Now puzzles me quite sore. I know they hate we none the less, But they hate Vogfl more. We shall be in a pretty stew If it proves as I fear— That they, and others, will compete With me to be Pertuier. Chorus—As soon as I’m Premier, etc.

I' cost me blushes, I must own, To give Protection best, And in a garment of Freetrado To stand amongst the rest. A fool he is who would not change Whenever his way is clear To walk straight, boots and all, into The billet of Primier. Chorus—As soon as I’m Premier, etc,

Progressive tax on property Falls heavy on the rich, They’ll back us up ; ithe working men Can gulled be,as we wish. Money-rings and mortgagees, , And banks, will always.cheer The party that’ will stick' to me As soon as I’m Premier.

Chorus—As soon as I’m Premier, etc, >' -This song was rendered th the air of “My love, -Mary - Anne ” itv. capital sfylei'and the cheering wss something treraeudous when the gallant gentleman resumed his seat. The song, of coufse, is not A comic one, but it had its comic side Seeing how iustily every one of the party joined in the chorus " As soon as I’m 'Premier ” led me to believe that they all nim-d at reaching that position. My friend Mr Sutter locked as gny as “ a three year-bid ” as he chimed in, and the scene was really thrilling. After the company h*d lit their cigars, and order was restored, a gentleman, whose name I did not,know, sing to the air of "'Sr. Patrick’s Duy ” ks follows : DOUBLE PAT.; All hail! To the chieftan who’s led us to glory— . All hail I Let us sing to the coming Premier. His name will be writ in the colony’s story As the victor o’er Stout, in the Jubilee " year,' Ob, lons my he reign, Devoid of all pain, The hope of our party, the pride of us all; ’Tie he has the cheek A billet to seek, Though in giving portfolios he’s not what I

: i went, For I ought to’ve bad one long ago, I must : . , ««y; But grumble too loudly I own, now, we can't, For this year he has got for us all double pay.

The ex>ra comes handy to pay for elections With cash now we can very liberal be, And thus, for ourselves, win the country’s > affections — The dupes must pay all with a tax on their tea. I’m never afraid To vote'for Freetradr, It suits the importers and money rings all; ’ i'is they will assist Us to do as we list. Ob, they know well their friends, and they , never will grudge The mere trifling sum that, is squandered that way ; Twera worse for us far if we only did budge From monopoly’s lines, than to take double pay.

Captain Sutter rose and said he could not listen to that any longer. ’ The air was too Irish. In fact, he was surprised how a savage country like Ireland could have such beautiful music. For that matter, be was surprised how savages like the Scotch could have the most delightful music in the world. And what was more difficult still to understand was that they had this music before they wrfe civilized' by the Union with England,- The only explanation he could give for it was that both countries must have been inhabited by civilised profile before the deluge, and heir beautiful music must bare lingered in the shape of echoes amongst the rocks. He had arranged to sing.a duet with their worthy chief, Major Harry A. Atkins n (cheers), and it was as follows : it’s noo i’ll gang away. Captain Sutter Its noo I’ll gang awa, Harry, I’ll pang across the so*, laddie , And, when I get t> London T<>on, I will thenifchink of thee, Hurry. Major Atkinson— Oh, lelldho Queen I’m good, Jamie, .That I deserve knighthood, laddie; Oh, tell her I have vanquished Stout, And pulverised the Rads, Jamie.f j 0»P;8in Sqi'ar— I’ll tell her that, and more, Harry j You should have that before, laddie. I’ll let her know, without a d.mbt, You have been cruelly wronged, Harry.

Major Alkinson — Oh, hasten back again, Jamie, \yV}l want your help to win, laddie 5 I hope to see you safe again In your own Gladstone seat, Jamie.

Captain Sutler— There I can’t go baok, Harry 5 I’d surely get the sack, laddie— At Pareora and Kerry Town, Are Irishmen aud Scotch, Harry.

Major Atkinson— You should have thought of that, Jamie ; You hit them far too hat, laddie ; But courage, man, their memory Is sometimes very short, Jamie. Captain Sutter— Ah, there, I went amiss, Harry, And now it comes to this, laddie — I ne’er again, in all my life, Shall pocket double pay, Harry.

I was considerably moyed when I noticed the old gentleman extract bis cambric from hi* coat tails and apply it to his eyes. (Somebody has said that “ You know not grief till when You see the tears of warlike men.”

1 believe it, (or I felt touched by the scene, an 1 more especially because a gloom fell over the whole party as the warlike old gentleman said : “ It does not matter to mo now, gentlemen, but I’m afraid the country will not stand double pay.” The words were no sooner uttered than a burly figure was seen to rise up through a cloud composed cf a coalition of steam from a jug of punch and cigar smoke. lie said : “ This is no time for sadness. To-night Is a great night for Her . Majesty’s Opposition. We . have gained the victory of the age. We had a Stout well-Ballanced fight to Buckle(y) to, but their death-Tole has been reknelled (Reynolds). (Cries of ‘Oh don’t, don’t, don’t! ’) I can’t help it, I feel so glad to-night, I have 0 toast to propose, and I am sure it will be duly honored ; it is the health of our distinguished guest, Sir Oori O’Lanus. (Great cheering). To sky a word in praise of that illustrious man would be —would be—would be waste of time. The toast was drank with musical honors. All eyes were turned on me as I rose to respond amidst vociferous cheering. After calm was restored I sang to a new air, which I composed on the spot, the following verses : DOUBLE BAT IK ONE TBAB. “ Grasp not at too much or you’ll lose all,” A solid advice is. Isay ‘ You would be much happier and'better By turning yourjthouglits in that wav. The colony hates double sessions, The taxes are getting too dear, You ought to be fully contented Without double pay in one year. Think of the poor honest farmer, The mortgagees’ drudge and sad slave; He may just now turn back on you And take back the trust that he gave. Cheap are bis beef an t his mutton ; His "spuds” will not sell, so I hear, , But you seem to care not a button You get double pay in a year. I blush for you. Bsally *ii« shocking To see men without any shame, It I had a stone in my stocking I’d soon every man of you maim. Go, hide you away now for ever, My patience wont last out 1 tear, If I bad my way you would never Get again double pay in a year. Just as I finished the last line I fell a band taking a firm grip of « certain part of my " unmentionables,” and as fast as lightning I was flung out through the window. I was fortunate in that I went out feet foremost, and as I dropped down I landed just on the neck of an eavesdropper, one of ray legs going very nicely over each of bis shoulders. " Thunder and turf,” he said, "who is that ? By the mortal frost me neck is broke,” It Was my friend Paddy Murphy who spoke, and we adjourned to Nir Robert Stout’s, where Ministers were in Cabinet, which, however, they broke up the moment we reached there. After relating our adventure to the great delight of Ministers, Sir Robert produced the decanter, and we parted when it was empty. I reached Government House, and when I told His Jlxcellency what had occurred he almost shed tears and said he would clear out for the Mauritius as soon as be could. Com O’Lakus.