THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

Temuka Leader, Issue 1327, 14 April 1885, Page 2

THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

Tlie Lyttelton Times’ English coirespondent supplied that paper with a delectable bit o 1 news recently. He commenced by telling a story ot a young Jew who set up in business in Aberdeen but failed because he said they “ were all Jews there,” After having unburdened himseif of this stale joke, he proceeded to Gild out a race of men capable of coping with the cannie Scot, and hit upon Yorkshire butchers. In Yorkshire, ewes which are too old to breed are sold to Saturday-night butchers, who, judging from his description of them, seem to be,pretty smart. These butchers, finding that New Zealand frozen mutton was cutting them out of the market, put their heads together 'and decided to make money anyhow. They bought all the old ewes they could get ; drove them to the seaport town of Barrow in Lancashire, killed and dressed them there, and sent the carcases to Lancaster and other towns where preparation had been made for their leception. In these towns the old ewes were placarded as New Zealand mutton “ already thawed,” and a brass band was employed to distribute circulars enlarging on the excellent quality of the moat. This was certainly clever, but not fair to New Zealand. I have heard that in the matter of financial “ ’eliteness” it takes three Irishmen to make a Scotchman, three Scotchmen to make a Jew, and three jews to make a Yorkshireman, and the Action of the Yorkshire butchers goes, a long way towards confirming me in the opinion that it is a correct estimate.

I notice that there is a paragraph going the rounds now concerning the Soudan excitement in Sydney. According to this, when the matter was first suggested men rushed to get ,their names placed on the list as volunteers, believing they would never be called upon to go ; but when the affair came to a crisis they withdrew, and they now meet with the contempt and scorn of their acquaintances. Now, I wish it to be understood that if a necessity for fighting arises in this district I am not going to behave in the cowardly way these New South Welshmen have done. I am not going to put my name on any list. I should like to fight very much, but I have other engagements on hand. I have just arranged to spend a few days at the time the war breaks out studying Latin, under the tuition of Mr Bolton, far up the hills. As our studies

will ba heavy, we want lighter air than is obtainable so near the sea, and hence our reason for going up the hills.

The Timaruffians were extremely funny at the meeting they recently held to consider how to defend their town against the Russians. One speaker talked about hating to “ shell out,” arid all laughed. I wonder how they would feel if the “ shelling out ” came to be a reality. They would laugh with the left side of their mouths I imagine ; that is, if they bad a side of a mouth left to do so. And when another speaker told them how some of the leading citizens might be taken on board the hostile vessel and “ strung up ” they became more hillarious still. They seemed to enjoy the idea of having leading citizens “ strung up.” Besides the intense amusement, the audience found in these matters there was one other feature oi the meeting which struck me as remarkable. That fire-eating, fierce warrior, Captain Hamersley, who only a few days previously was mad to get away to, the Soudan, never said a word. I fancy the cause must ba that be bad too much contempt for the chickenhearted, puny-minded citizens for being afraid while his good broadsword hung rusty in.his halls.

Churches are feeling the hard times as well as other institutions. They all find* flow that to make both ends meet is "a difficult matter. It is not in this district only that churches are in monetary difficulties, but almost in every district, A good story comes from a neighboring district. A clergyman whose stipend was in arrears was speaking to one of his churchwardens, who told him that he was afraid they would not be able to pay : “ \'ou see that paddock,” said tharev. gentleman ; “ in that there are enough potatoes for 12 months. Burely the parishioners ought be able to provide salt for them,” In another Parish a clergyman on a wet [Sunday made a journey of six miles to hold service. There were 14 present, and the collection amounted to a solitary “threepenny bit.” This is not equal to an Otago congregation, each member of which contributed, according to the Christian Record, on an average, the fifteenth-sixteenth of a penny per month to the support of the church,. Some people evidently think that religion is a luxury they cannot afford in hard times. I could preach a sermon on this but no one would thank me for it.

Mr Snell, of Rangitata, has surpassed all previous efforts in potato growing. I am a man of experience in potato growing, having received my education in Ireland, ami I can say without fear of contradiction that Mr Snell’s yield beats all I ever heard of. He says he dug from one stalk 265 potatoes, some of which were as big as bis fist. I wish it to be understood that Mr Snell’s fist is not to be sneezed at ; it looks just like a fist that a nasal collision with would leave sensations other than sneezing, and if, the potatoes are equal to it in dimensions I am of opinion that there is a considerable quantity of food in the Rangitata district. Mr Snell was not so exact as Mr Talbot: he did not weigh them ; but ho says that they filled more than one bucket, and it is currently reported in the district that they would have filled ten buckets—if the buckets bad been small enough. Who can say that it is hard to live in this country ? A few stalk of that kind would feed a nation, - One thing has been suggested to me by the Printer’s Devil. He say that this matter should be kept dark from the Russians. If the Russians knew that 265 potatoes, some of them as big Mr Snell’s fist, grew under one stalk in this distrist, they would make straight for the Rangitata. I trust therefore that the subscribers of this paper will take care not to send the Czar or any other Russian friend of theirs a copy of the paper containing this news. - The copy the Czar usually gets has been kept back, and if he com plains the whole blame can be thiown on the Fostoffice. Mr Snell’s potato stalke beat the Taranaki pumpkin by long chalks.

The precopiousness of the rising generation of colonists is becoming proverbialj and a story which I heard the &ther day makes up a capital illustration of it.., A school picnic was recently hold somewhere, and so squeamish were its,, superintendents that they kept the boys and girls"apartlill day. The same evenings when a 12-year old little girl was asked how she enjoyed herself, she answered: “Oh I it was a very dry affair. They did not let us play with the boys 1”

A lady of my acquaintance visited Timaru recently, and after having refreshed herself took shelter beside a lamp-post. She hugged that lamp-post most affectionately till a constable came by and suggested to her the advisability of going home. She declined with thanks, and as he did not like the general surroundings he passed on. Whether it was the smile which her ludicrous plight awakened on the solemn official features of the constable, or his military attitude that won the admiration of the lady, no one knows. All that is known is that she gathered herself together as quickly as possible, and staggered after the man in blue till she laid hold of his arm, and, judging from the broad grin which distorted her features, she felt very happy. It was broad daylight, the streets were crowded, and as the constable tried to disengage himself from her everybody laughed. He made great efforts to disengage himself, but to no avail j she still clung to him tena-

cionsly, and made desperate efforts to make herself agreeable, It all ended in both getting into a cab, and proceeding to the police station,

An item from Wellington tells how a policeman got into a predicament with another lady there. A powerful* looking woman was summoned as a witness. The constable administered the oath in the usual way and waited for her to kiss the book, but she merely gazed at him quite vacantly. “ Kiss the book,” said the constable, and the witness thought ho said “ kiss me,” and at once proceeded to put her arms round him, and before he could recover from astonishment her lips bad collided with his ample mustachios,

But this was not the only amusing incident that took place in the same court. A defendant placed the Resident Magistrate in an awkward fix, and succeeded in getting himself out of trouble. His name was Alfred Theodore Jardine, and he appeared to show cause why a prohibition order should not issue against him. His wife, who laid the information, was not present, but sent a letter asking for an adjournment. The defendant asked the Magistrate whether a,married lady hod visited him in bis private room. The R,M, had to plead guilty, and to a further interrogation he admitted the lady was defendant’s wife, At this defendant asked whether the R.M. thought it proper to receive married women in his private room, and threw out broad bints to the effect that he suspected he was the victim of a conspiracy. After having made the R.M. as uncomfortable as he could, he demanded that his case should be dismissed, and, as no one was present to prosecute, his request had to bo granted.

A Wellington paper says there was a “ rough and tumble ” in the neighborhood of Greytown lately, when a well-known native and pakeha joined in “ mortal combat” after some wrangling. The Native speaks capital English, and before “ wiring'in ” said, “ p'raps you don’t know that I’ve got Irish blood in me. Irish blood can’t stand that; I’ll show you what Irish blood can do,” and then he sailed in and made the pakeha see stars until another pakeha came to tin rescue, and took the Irish blood away.

This reminds me that the Prince of Wales is in Ireland at present. 1 referred to the reward which was offered for his head recently, but have found since that it was all wrong. It was in O’Donovan Rossa’s paper, and not in a Dublin paper, that the reward was offered. No such offer appeared in the Irish papers, but of course it suited Reuter’s Agency to say so, iu order to create a prejudice against Irishmen. Since then wo learn that the Dynamitards will not (ouch him because be is a Mason, but this does not harmonise with other statements made. In a manifesto issued in Ireland recently all outrages that have been committed have been attributed to Catholicism, and even the Times goes to the extent of insinuating that the Pope is more or less implicated. There is a discrepancy somewhere in this matter. If the JDymmitards are Masons they cannot have much connection with Catholicism. The fact is, all these statements are lies. The Prince of Wales is a kind, humane gentleman, and he will be treated as such in Ireland. Com O’Lanus.