THE WIDOW'S LOVERS.

Temuka Leader, Issue 1039, 5 December 1882, Page 1

THE WIDOW'S LOVERS.

[A Two-Act Comedy by J. M. Twomey ] (Concluded.) Act 11. Scene V-An Auctioneers Office. Auctioneer (alone) scoundrel ! Only fur the ruffian I would have killed that coroner, at.d as there is no other coroner to hold an inquest I would evade the law, and marry the widow. I'll shoot the scoundrel to-mor-row morning Enter Barney—Ah, now, don t do anything to-morrow that you would be sorry for to-day Auctioneer—You meddling fool, how dare you come near me again % Barney -Aisy now, Mr Hydo ; aisy now Auctioneer- You impudent nifhan, get out of here Barney-Lave your shirt, on if you plase. lave vour shirt on ; do you see that kippecu"? That split skulls at Donnybrook. Its a moighty noice stick intirely to be lookin' at, but its not so purty when you feel it mallavoguing your countenance. So let us be frauds, the matter is in my hands Auctioneer —What matter 1 Barney—The matther-a-money—if you want to marry the Widow Wetherbylcan manage it Auctioneer—But there is the coroner in the way Barney—Supposing he was not in the way ? Supposing he was houlding an inquest on your body while you were getting married to the widow ? Auctioneer—Holding an inquest on my body while I am getting married to the widow ! In the name of common sense, man, what do you mean 1 How could that be? Barney—Oh, lave that to me. Don't be frightened, 'tis quite aisy. Just say what , would you give Auctioneer—l would give you 300 dollars, but you can't do it. The coioner holding an inquest on my body, while at the same time I am getting marri—Well I be blowed Barney—Kohl on, Mr Hyde, let me think. (Aside) -300 dollars ! The same as the widow and the coroner give. Well, it seems they arc all aiqually mad to got married, for it's just the same price they set upon it. I don't know which is it the auctioneer or the coroner I'll get for the widow for her 300 dollars worth. She don't care herself, and I am sure I don't aither. (To auctioneer.)—l say MiHyde, have yoa any spark of an Irishman in you 1 Auctioneer--Well, I don't know. My grandmother was an Irishwoman born in New York, and I'm very partial to Irish stew myself Barney—Your grandmother is an Irishman born in .New York. _ Well, you're my man. And you like Irish stew, and so dees I; so you see we have a fellow feeling, and the poet says that " a fellow feeling makes us ' devilish' kind," so you will be married to the widow before this day week Auctioneer—Do you speak truly 1 Barney—Just hand me the dollars, and you will find the coroner havin' something to do to-morrow besides watchin' you Auctioneer—There is the money ; if you succeed I'll double it Barney (aside)—Ha ! ha ! This fellow is soft; I'll milk him. (To auctioneer)— I was near makin' a great mistake, Mr Hyde Auctioneer —What mistake, Barney ? Barney—Well, you see you are gettin' a wife for life, and I think besides the other 300 dollars you'll give me if I succeed, you ought to give me a situation for life Auctioneer—Of course I'll keep you in the situation you are in at present for life Barney—That will do naitely. It suits me intirely. Just slip that on a piece of paper if you plase Auctioneer (writes) There it is, Barney Barney—That's the talk. Just now step down to the Widow Wetherby's house, and don't return until you marry her. Don't be afraid of the coroner ; he won't interfere Auctioneer—All right, Barney, I'll do what you tell me, and if things turn out as you say, I will give you more than I have promised. Good bye, Barney Barney—Good bye, your honor, and good luck. (Goes to the looking glass.) Well, Barney Brady, I'm proud of you. You are a complate jainus intirely. Yisterday you were starving, and to-day you are a man of manes, and you have a lase of a situation for life that suits you. Maybe you made a mistake in not puttin' up for the widow ; but afther all its betther for you to sirid Inane for the colleen of of your heart to the ould sod. God bless 3 r on, Barney ! God bless you, avic ! And now to business. Ha ! ha ! ha 1 Won't the coroner like to be houldin' an inquest on the body of the auctioneer ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! God speed you, Barney ! God speed you, avic ! (Exit.) [End of Scene.] Scene Vl—Coeoxkr's Inquest. Coroner and Jurors Sitting at Table. CouoNER —-You swear, Doctor, that after making a past mortem examination of the body of the deceased, you came to the conclusion that the immediate cause of death was the severing of his head from his body '■ Doctor—Yes Coronkr — Do yon think, Dootvr, that immediate death always results froa; severing a man's head from his body < DOCTOR—WeiI, as a general rule ; in fact, I never knew an exception Coroner—Did you recognise the body as being that of our respected fellow citizen, the auctioneer, <vho is now missing 1 Doctor—Owing to the head being cut | off, and not to he found, I cannot posi- . tively swear that I did, but the fact of ! the body being found in the auctioneer's <

house, and the auctioneer missing, I have come to the very natural conclusion that it must be the'body of the auctioneer Coroner— Are you of opinion doctor that the body is that of a man of mature age Doctor—Most certainly it is Coroner—That will do doctor. Now gentlemen of the jury, you have heard the evidence. Have you any questions to ask? First Juror—Was it the body of a male or female, doctor t Coroner—Have you not heard the doctor swear that it is the body of a man matured age, of cour&e we know it is the body of our respected fellow citizen the auctioneer Enter Barney—You know it may be ; but we don't know. We have no proof of it un*il"we finds bis head- mJ .-„ . . Coroner—Quite right, you are a sharp witted fellow. We must adjourn this inquiry until we have made a search for the deceased gentleman's head. Constable, you will Want a search warrant Barney—Yes, and a warrant to arrest you, you black-hearted sclmmer Coroner—What do you moan, sir 1 Barney—l mane in plain English that [belief you are the murderer of my poor masther Coroner—Constable, seize this man Barney—Don't, Mr Peeler, until you hears my evidence. Yesterday my masther and the coroner had a fight, and more be token there is the coroner's eyes in deep mouraing. My masther bate the coroner, but the coroner swore he would kill my masther before morning. He was killed since—who killed him 1 The Jurors—The coroner. Lynch him, lynch him Coroner—l—now, upon my honor, I had nc hand in it, gentlemen Jurors (furiously)— Lynch him! Lynch him ! That's the verdict of the jury Barney—Well, I'll lave it in your hands now, gintlemeu, I'm going to look for my masther's head, te be able to prove it against the scoundrel. (Aside)—l'm better make hast or they will hang the poor devil maybe Coroner—Gentlemen, at any rate this inquiry cannot proceed any further until the head is discovered and recognised First Juror—l am darned if you get out ot here, Mr Coroner. Toti were hard enough on me last time Second Juror—l guess we'd better lock the skunk up ; he was hard enough on me once or twice (All the jurors)—Lynch him! lynch him ! That's the verdict ofjthe jury. Lynch him ! Coroner—Darn me., but you are a parcel of ungrateful wretches. Now, if there is a man amongst you who has not been up before me hold up your hand. There is not one hand up, and yet this is the way you turn on me when I am in trouble Constable—l'll take you into custody, Mr Phillips, just sign this warrant for your own arrest Coroner—l am not guilty of this murder, constable Constable —No matter ; you are suspected of being the cove as shifted the auctioneer's head. Just sign the warrant Coroner— Well was there ever a poor coroner reduced to such straits as these. I protest against this, I am innocent ! I won't sign it! First Juror —Lynch the lantern jawed brabdignajian. (Jurors seize him ) Lynch him, lynch him. That's the verdict of the jury Enter Barney—l have found the head Coroner (excited( —Do you recognise it? Barney—l do ; it's in tins bag. (Produces h«ad of a goat.) It fits the corpse nately Coroner—ls this the extent of your professional knowledge, doctor, that you take the body of a goat tor the body of n man of met lire age 1 Doctor —I never examined it. The body was sewn up in a canvas bag and covered with blood, and I took it for the body of the auctioneer Coroner —Have you not sworn' that 3'oti made a post mortem examination 1 Doctor -1 am found out, I have not a leg to stand on ! I am. lost ! (Runs off the stage) Coroner—Where is the auctioneer 1 (Jumps up.) By the 'tarnal he is gone to the Widow Wetherby (Enter auctioneer, with widow in bridal costume on his arm) Auctioneer —No, my de.'ir sir, there is no lady of tint name anywhere here abouts. There was a Mrs Wetherby here, yesterday, but congratulate us, my dear friend, congratulate us, for she is a Mrs Hyde to-day. Permit me to thank you on behalf of Mrs Hyde and myself for ! allowing us time to run through with this business Coroner (to Barney)—You deceitful scoundrel! You have sold me ! Barney —More fool yon were to let me. I wish I had another coroner to sell for 600 dollars Coroner (rushing towards Barney) — I'll blow your brains out! Barney—Do.i't now, fur if you'd blow my brains out I'd make you put them in again. Do you see that kippeen that was drilled at Donnybrook, Its name is ' Cert'.in death,' because it is a weapon, that never missed tire. It knows how '.o haulier a fellow's pate purty well, and if you were advised by vim; you would not come nearer to it, unless you'd like to make some alterations in your countenance Coronkr—You faithless ruffian ; I paid you ! Barney;—Now, don't be so mane as to ] :1k about th rifles. I gave you good value for your money. In the first place! saved you from being murdered by the auctioneer ; and in the second place 1 have made you a wiser man and sadder. Tnat's worth all the money ,to you. And now, gentlemen of the jury, I swear the coroner is not the murderer of the goat, so you will let him off this time Jury—We will ! We will ! Barney—Now, Mr Coroner, go home and say your prayers, and pray for your friend Barney Bradoy

Coroner ("leaving the room)—I'll have r YiDge ! I'll have■ revenge .' Babney—You will maybe take care that it won't be in the shape of a broken nose, my fine blatherskite. (To Mr a Hyde)—And now, Mrs Hvde, give me 200 dollurs. Tliank you. And now you have a husband, and you very much, wanted that. Take care of him, for fear ho n ijht be 'going—going—gone,' and maybe knock you down. (Turning to the audience)—And you, gintlemen° of the jury, I hope you will find for me the verdict that I have done my duty. (Curtain drops.)