CAPITANO'S LETTER.

Temuka Leader, Issue 255, 15 April 1880, Page 2

CAPITANO'S LETTER.

Honisoitqui vid 'y pnse. — P:ovrb, Lot me consider !—f think it is now four we.;ks since the courteous readers of The Lea una bad the "p'easu'e" of read ingone of my "rhapsodical effusions." I am afraid that is a very great ci l ami. y, and that my quietness \v'«l be tbe means of moro than one person's " shuffling " otj. Well, to fe'l the irnth- I'm a noted follower of Madame Lia— .! mean Truth—nud to cipl.ii.-i the cause of my four weeks repo.v* —I've been suffering a v's'.t from that terrible scourge of humanity—Muns. Momps. Moa.sjmn- seems >'o have made '' a .large number of cads " in TomuLa, a«d to have caused some of ihe visited oims exquisite p;uo—by bis ctifcii g r<;ma *<?, I p'esi'ino. Really, every third pe...ou I meet ia my peregiinat-oua has Ini head muffled up in a couple of blanle's, wh>ch. ave wound round and round like a turban, although the turb.in ; s by far the most picturesque of the two. Anyhow, I've got rid of the mumps, and can laugh at those that suffer from tho comp'aint.

How about the Christchurch Review? Beyond an account of the sldimish at Ashburton by tho Dunedin Naval Brigade, nothing much has been written this year | iboiit our brav.s. While on this s. aiti, I i cannot do better than rescue from obI scuriiy a yarn to'd me by one who gue.'es ho knows ail about it. The seme ja Ashburton Railway Scaiion ; boys, cabbages, bobbies, clogs, and babies are seen by the tmd'once. Tiie principal characlers make their 'bow—the Roa Mr J. Be. ry (Vfctuiier), and Messrs G. Twelve and Wait assume leading ro^s. Mr Berry : " What is this 1 see before me? 'Tisa leg of mut;'ou ; no, by the hokey,'t's n man ;he comedi this way ; he's boozed, too. Your Majesty (turning to Mr Twelve), he's a lamb, so lei's b'eed him. Let's have a dog's nose at h r 3 expense over at genial Host Quill's. I have it"— Mr Twulve : Ci What, the dog's nose?" Mr Bergy : <( No, avs ! I mean the — the -the way we're to get the drinks. He (pointing to the toper) wants to be swotin as a volunteer. We'll do co, condiiionI ally on his handing over two bob for our ' trouble. Is it resolved upon then, boys ?" \- Voices : " Yes, yes ; a good idea ; you deserve a leather medal for thinking of it Three cheers (beers) for ourselves." The Hon Berry nai.s the would-be soldier, and the four worthies cross to a pub. close by. They then proceed to put the recruit through tho swearing-in processMr Escvcy(looks p'ofoundly solemn and sler:)) : :< Gentlemen, wo have here a person who ' will be a sodjer.' He vants to bo sworn i»i at once, too. Wo vant a Biblf Here's one. (Aside), 'Tis tho 'Fruils of Philosophy,'gentlemen. Now, ah' (to the toper), you &■;■» about to do a ve;y ger'oiis and responsible thing. First of all though, hand over two coins of the realm fop the use of Her Majesty's service ; (aside) for our own servica, boys. Thanks for the money. Now, swear allegianco to tho Queen and to beer, and swear to lend we three money when wo ask you to do so, and to shout for us on every available opportunity. Swear, or by the hokey, I'll cut you iu two with as little compunction as I'd c;;rve a goose. (Aside) : That acting will fetch him." J Toper : " I do eh wear, ol' febowsh.'' The braves call for drinks, and tho curtain falls. (P.S.— Prolonged applause fo ows tho fall of the curtain.) Scene 11. discovers tin new soldier in his regimentals, which consists of a ho'ey blue blanket fastened to his form by a flax-bush, and a bell-topper minus tho crown. Ho is put through his drill, aud marched off to his detachment. In scene HI. a scrimmage ensues, and tho battle ends in bloodshed. Scene IV. : tho day after the skirmish ono of the combatants appears with Ins eye in a fling, and his nose fearfully swollen. The curtain drops finally on a "striking'' tableau- Tho above is a real statement of facts

The shooting season commenced on the 29fch of March. Some very large bngs were taken, the biggest beiug taken by Messra

A. D. Wilson and Boyd Thomson. Trey ! shot about 250 birds between them. £ err I find that their's was not the largest bagThat honor belongs to a local sportsmau, who shall be nameless. He,of course, must have a pop at the ducks (I me aa winged ducks), so off he Coddles like a true-born Scotchmen, with his gun and bag across h's capacious shoulders. After "'looking for " the sport for four hours without success—whether through imperfect eyesight, or through having taken too much of the amber-colorftd liqu'd b ;fore starting—ho headed homewards duckies.?. No to be outdone, however, he purchased on his homeward journey two tame rabbits. He tied them together, hung them up on a tree, and Coiicr-ted—dear me, I am forgett'ng how to spel l : the word should be committed —a murder ;he banged, away at them at five paces, and killed the rabbits after wasting all his ammunition. He then slung the gaire across his shoulders, and marched home triura. hant, drawing his acquaintances' notice to the fact that he had killed both the Bunnies in one pop, at 90 yards distant. For Truth's sake, I j consider it my duty to expose the swindle.

I noticed, by a late issue of the Leader, that a correspondent, styling himself "Anti - Swagger," has been going for " our unemployed." Well, it wa3 rather a hot letter, although ihrre was a g<o 1 deal of truth in what "Anti-Swagger' said. I noticed, a'so, in your nest is«.u>\ that " A Taproom Loafer " went fo- " Swagger," and i r'ed to cut hVn up about his letter. His ("Taproom Loafer's") letter was ha'dly up to the point, aod might, I think, have been written in a pol-ter and more gea'dem.-m'y style. The svtu-at (or perhaps the best) or!-it is that < confounds his arguments, an 4 leave-;- u fellow just as much ;-i the d.uk when bo 1) i 3 re .id h? 3 letter as ha w.is before lie s.i-v it. A% '• Anti-Swagger " has no; answered "Lop.fer's" ungr.xmmat : cal, written loifcar.l can toll L a'er that there is no " celebrated castle near Huu.t.T, Town," which, I suppose (by the ten,). - of his letter) he thinks is the capital of a principality on the Rhine. I wo:;der where Botany Biv is ? Is it a reso c for "Taproom Loafers?" Can any of mv courieous tvaders tell me if it is at Waitohi.Flat, or at Geraldioe? I leave ihe question to the readers of the LE.OEtt !

The new Ibmaa Caiholic Church is going ahead rapidly. Wheu finish.;! it will be a grand ediacc the grancle t in T-'-muka. The style of workmunship is also good. Taken altogether the Chvrch is welt worth a visit of inspecion v.s it now stands. Capitaito.