CAPITANO'S LETTER.

Temuka Leader, Issue 243, 18 March 1880, Page 2

CAPITANO'S LETTER.

Honi soil qui m<il 'y p use. — F: ov:rh

Mx* J. G. S. Grant, of Dunedin notoriety, a mad-brain individual famed fortho good opinion of himself and talents, lias again “ come forward ” for a situation. Grant has written one of his characteristic letters (as a down-South journal stylos it) to tho Otago University Council, asking to be appointed to, tho Chair of Bhetoric and Polite Literature for the current year, and concluding Ills application thualy : ‘‘lhave now to ask ymi to put fresh blood into tho shrivelled veins of your now-raoribund institution.” The Council considered Mr Grant deserving of a higher position—that of a scavenger, \ erhaps—than that of a Chair of .Rhetoric and Polite Literature, so they cruelly decided that his application was inadmissible on that ground.

“ Did you see the comet last night?’’ was the enquiry heard on every side during tfio period of tho late comet’s visit. Now, the question is again asked, and very few are aware of the cause of the revival of the query, so I supj-o-e must tell my readers how it has again ‘•.come to light.” One of our Bonifaces, being fond of practical jokes, took it into his head to play off ouo on a “local bravo” (God bless Ids gallantry and bravery), so the joker placed a quart bottle (full of emptiness of course) on the ledge of the door of tho Volunteer Hall during drilling operations. The time alluded to w»3 a special volunteer drill night, and there was a largo number of the volunteers present. The moment tho hot tie appeared on the door l&dge(likea comet in the horizon) the “stripes 1 wore turned towards it, and tho had door closed, to prevent any straggler from purloining the bottle. The next move of tho aforesaid brave was to summarily dismiss Isis charge and, that done, he “ charged ” straight for the bottle, jocularly called a comet by the joker. Pie got half way, his eyes glistening with “ gluttonous passion,” his mouth watering, his face radiant with smiles, and his shapeless form quivering with joyous excitement. Ho got a third of the 1137, and his whole appearance changed. Pie discovered that there was No Beer in the Bottle ! 1 Oh, the agony of agonies tli.it ho experienced was something terrible to behold. His face assumed a ghastly hue, his eyes started from their sockets, and his month and hands twitched as if he was suffering from St Vitas’ Dance. He then rolled on to the floor in convulsions, and as nothing but a pint of the joker’s bestaio would bring him to, it was sent for. Pie soon recovered under tho influence of tho ale, and he sidled away homo “a sadder but a wiser man.” Moral : Never forsake your duty, nor dismiss yi ur squad earlier than usual, for a pint of ale. You cannot then be hoaxed, nor will you appear to bo a bigger fool than you are. Au revoir !

A contemporary of The Teaiuka Leader has a correspondent at Geraldine; that correspondent is what I would call an “ original writer,” because of the peculiarity of some of his contributions. In a !ato issue of tbo above-alluded-to contemporary, “Our Own Correspondent” (as the heading of the letter indicated dilated upon the magnificent auction rooms and livery stables built to the order of Messrs A. Mundcll and Co., Geraldine. He concluded by mentioning the (to him) preposterous fact of the proprietors “ having taken the precaution ” to have their names painted on their buildings. How startling ! What a surprise it must have been for him to see that Mundell and Co. had their names written on their buildings I I presume that the people in Geraldine are in the habit of “spiriting away” auction rooms and livery stables during the absence of the owners, so Muudeli and Co. “have taken the precaution ” to have it “ signed, and sealed. ” I wonder if “ Our Own goes down the main street in Gerhldino I Before getting a hundred yards from Mundell’s buildings he would find that about a dozen such “precautions” had been taken. The truth is that “Our Own” wanted to “ spin out" his letter, so ha thought ho would “spread it oiu” by writing a foolish sentence, saying that they had “taken the “precaution ” to have their (the proprietor’s) names on the buildings. As the Ashburton Mail aays, “ the idea is worth patenting.” So say I, and think “ Oar Own ” ought to receive a testimonial for the grand discovery ha has made. Capitano.