ALLEGED HUMOR

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 377, 30 April 1910, Page 10

ALLEGED HUMOR

ONE DRAWBACK. Mary: Did she make a good match? Ann: Splendid! Lots of money, good social position, and all that! In fact, the only drawback is the husband. WOMAN AND A SECRET. Sparks: 1 wonder why it is a woman lets out everything you tell her? Parks: My dear boy, a woman has only two views of a secret—either it is not worth keeping, or it is too good to keep. DOCTOR'S ORDERS. A physician, who had had scarcely any sleep for a week, was called to a patient suffering from insomnia. Sitting down in a chair beside the sick man, he bent his ear to his chest to hear the respiration, calling upon the invalid to count. The doctor was so fatigued that when the patient had counted up to ten he went to sleep with his ear on the sick man's chest. Awakening, he heard the invalid still counting:' "Ten thousand and seventysix, ten thousand and seventy-seven!" THE COMPLETE OUTFIT. "You know, Johnson," said the gentleman who was interviewing an applicant for a coachman's position, "if I engage you I shall expect you to do things by combination. For instance, if I tell you to bring the carriage round at a given time I shall expect the horses with it, and driving gloves. "Yes, sir," said the raw countryman.

He was duly engaged and gave satisfaction. One day his master came to him in a, hurry, telling him to look sharp and go for the doctor, as his mistress was ill. Johnson was gone a long time, and on his master grumbling at him for his delay, he said: "Well, they're all here, sir." "All here! What do you mean?" "Well, sir, I've got the doctor, the parson and the undertaker!" NO LUCK FOR HIM. "You see," said a despondent man the other day, "some people has good luck and some people has bed luck. Now, I remember I wias walking along /the street with Tom Jellicks, and he went down one side of it, and I went down the other. We had not got more than half-way down when he found a pocketbook with £SO in it, and I stepped on a woman's dress, ajid so got acquainted with my wife. It was always so," added, he, with a sigh; "that Tom Jellicks was the luckiest man in the world, and 1 never had no luck." DIDN'T WANT THE RIPPIN' SORT. Last week a farmer went into a draper's shop in town to purchase a readymade suit of clothes. The assistant showed him several suits, but he was finding it uimcult to effect a sale. The proprietor at the other end of the counter, seeing his assistant's dilemma, came to his aid. "This is really a rippin' suit of clothes," he said. "If it is," replied the farmer, "you may keep it. I want clothes that won't rip." ONE FOR THE LADY. Old Lady: I should like a. ticket for the train. Ticket Collector (who thinks he will make a joke): Yes'm; will you go in the passenger train or in the cattle train? Lady: Well, if you are a specimen of what I shall find in the passenger train, give me a ticket for the cattle train, by all means.

THAT CAT. Short: I thought you were going to drown that cat? Long: Well, they say a cat has nine lives, but this one has twenty, I think. Why, I actually put that cat into a tub of water and tied a briek round its neck; and what do you think? Short: Goodness knows. Long: Well, this morning when I went to look at the tub the cat had swallowed all the water and was sitting on the brick. WHAT DID HE MEAN? There was joy in the home of a family in the city, for they had received from the baker's a pie of far greater size than the mean little pie they had sent to .be cooked. But when Gus served it out his wife exclaimed: "Well, Gus, we have been married now nearly thirty years, and this is the first time you have served me first." "Hush, hush, Liza!" replied Gus. "I know very well that the man who owns this ,pie will be saying 'I hope the first bite chokes the one who eats it.' Get on with your dinner, like a good woman." MIGHT BE USEFUL Wife: That vaciouß dog next door bit mother again this morning,, and I'd like | to know what you're going to do about it? Husband: I'll ask him how much he wants for the dog. THE CANDIDATE SCORED. "Gentlemen," said the candidate, ''l am here " "So mm I," shouted a voice. ''Ah!" said the candidate suavely, "but you are not all there!" NO USE FOR IT. O'Grady: An' why do you want to soil yer night shirrt? Finnegnn: Shure, an' what good is it to me now, whin I've me new job iv night watchman, an' slape in th' diy toimcs.

! THAT BOY AGAIN. '"I wish you'd lend me your whist'.',' sain wee Tommy to his sister's young man. "I'll take care of it." ''Whistle?" cried young Moriarty. '"I have got no whistle, Tommy." "Oh, yes, you have," Tommy persisted, •' 'cause dady says you're too fond i of wetting it." I COOD FOR BUSINESS. The scene was a gambling saloon in Paris; a game of eearte had just been played. The two players got up. and ■one of them stepped close to the other. "Sir!" "What do you want?" ,; I saw you cheat just now." "Sir!" ' J l 'f am sure of it." J "You mean to ruin me?" I "Quite the contrary; I want you to take me into partnership." ' Harold: What a bright girl Eva is. 1 Sfic seldom opens her mouth without ,' pearls dropping therefrom. Blanche: Where did you get that idea? H:\ve her teeth been falling out again?