ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 267, 18 December 1909, Page 4

ALLEGED HUMOR.

Hospital.patients arc not permitted tc sliave themselves, and, for obvious reasons', a razor is not allowed in the wards. The barber is, therefore, a frequent visitor at these institutions, and in order to expedite business he is accompanied by three or four youths—the latherers—who, no doubt, hope at some future period to develop into good shavers. A gentleman who spent some time 111 a hospital ward was regularly lathered by one uf these boys, who, when lie got 021 friendjy terms, confided the information that he was very .\mbiiious, and he went so far as to suggest that lie might be allowed to try Jus hand at shaving ....ve you ever experimented on aliy one before?" enquired the patient. "No," replied the latherer coolly, "but I shtill have to make a start some time, and I thought a hospital was the most suitable place lor doing that!"

.Mr. Kyrlc Bellew, the well-known actor, who is lying seriously ill in New York, tells a good story of how lie was once walking in London and saw a man who used to act with liim, nit who had experienced very bud luck. Tins mini was standing outside a pawnshop, having a heated argument with a poli'ccman. As he approached, .\lr. Bellew overheard the latter say: 'Come, now, young fellow, move along! You can't stand here outside this shop all day! -1 "And why not?" asked the poor actor, defiant/lty. "I think I have got a perfect right to look into my own clotlics-box, haven t I?"

The Sabbath-school library still .possesses attractions for some, despite the temptations' afforded by the more varied stock of books supplied by the thoughtful loving-kindness of Mr. Carnegie. A few weeks ago a scholar requested his teacher to lend him a book entered in the catalogue as "The Life of l'eace." Next Sunday the urchin brought the tiny volume back. "This is nae the book at a'," lie explained. • "Ma faither wanted it when he seen the title, for ho thought it wid be about Peace the burglarl" Diner; Waiter,'this knife is blunt and the steak is like leather. Waiter: Yessir; do nicely for stropping the knife on, sir. Shei Don't you think that a woman is clever enough to do any work that a man can? He: She's smarter than that. Why, she's clever enough to make the man do the work and give her the benefit of it. # # # • "I say," said the messenger-boy, "that near-si&kted man in 00 just fell over a 'broom and spilled a pail of water on himself." j "Tnhim up a towel," said the hotel 'man o ur, "and charge him for one bath." "Would you marry for money?" asked one girl of another. •'Not I; I want brains," was the reply, "Yes, I should think so," said the first speaker, "if you don't want to marry for money!" x ' "Quills his had a story accepted at last," remarked a novelist to a colleague. "Surely not?" was the rejoinder. "Yes. He went home at two o'clock this morning with an awful yarn, and his wife believed it." Joynes: I tell you, Singleton, you don't know the joys and felicities of a contented married life, the happy flight of years, the long, restful calm of Singleton: How long have you been married? Joynes: Just a month. * * » A lad who was being quizzed about his father's lack of accomplishments was asked: "What does your father know?" There was no hesitation in the answer: "I don't believe he knows anything except his own business; but he kpows that—and minds it!" ' "Come up and see us to-night, old man." "All right; I'll be glad to." "Our (laughter is studying music " | "By Jingo! I have just remembered | ail engagement. I am sorry, but I cannot possibly come." 1 "Pshaw! As I was about to say, our [ daughter is studying music in Germany, and we get a little bit lonesome. 1 '

"I'll just cut out the engagement and come, anyhow."

"Dont .be afraid of the bacou, Mr. Jenkins," said the landlady to the new lodger.

' Not at all, madam. I've seen a piece twice as large and it did not frighten me a bit."

Judge: I don't think that women have always been vain; you know women were made before mirrors. Fudge: And they've been before them ever since. A North-country coroner is said to be awaiting the suicide of a local poet who wrote about clasping "the two tremulous hands" of his lady-love, but which the printer made to read "the two tremendous hands." Dadson: That boy of mine is a regular phenomenon. Batcheller (wearily): In what way? Dadson: He's six years old and n<Jver said a clever thing in his life. Ho had been to Sunday-school, and wanted his mother to tell him about angels—what were they! ''An angel, my dear, is a little girl with wings that flies away up in the skies." i "Yes, ma; but D heard pa tell tlic governess the other day that sflic was an i angel. Will she fly?" | "Indeed *jho will, my dear! She will i fly away just as soon as she gets her i trunk packed." | Mistress: Cook tells me, Mary, that you wish to go out with a friend to* 1 night. Is it urgent? 1 Mary: Oh, no, ma'am, 'tis'n't 'er gent i —it's my gent. "Do vou think they approved of my sermon?" asked the newlv-appointed: , rector, hopeful that he had made a good 1 impression. "Yes, I think so," replied his wife. | "They were all nodding." "This carpet is the best there is, madam," said the clerk. "It cannot he beaten." "Then I don't want/' replied the shrewd customer. "I want one that can Btand beating once or twice a year." 1 Friend: When Bilford went West he told mo that as soon as he iiad settled I down and pulled himselt together he would write to me/but I have never | heard from him.

Native': Bilford was blown up in an explosion of dynamitQ three months ago. He may have settled down, but I don't believe he has pulled himself together yet." A rustic going into a London restaurant called for dinner. The waiter brought one course after another in, as the guest thought, minute quantities. When he had got through the menu he remarked to the waiter: "Well, mister, ] like your samples very well—now bring in the dinner." Lady: You &ay, professor, that tobacco is an aid to thought and a stimulant to the reasoning faculties; but Professor Greathead says tobacco is in every way injurious. How do you account for that difference? The Professor: Easily enough, madam. Professor Greathead docs not smoke, and consequently lie can neither think straight nor reason correctly." Elizabeth's; mother did not teach her little daughter much that she should have learned alout religion, nor did the father. The other day a guest said to the little girl: "Elizabeth, does your lather say grace at the bible?" "What grace?" returned the girl, innocently. ''Why, thanks for what you havo to cat." "Oh," replied Elizabeth, now enlightened, "\V{>! don't* have to thank anyone for what we have—we always pay -cash") ' Tie frowned in perplexity on hearing ;! once more that she was not at home. "11 wonder, Jimmy" he said bitterly, "if' 1 your sister realises that T have treated | : her to three taxi-rides and four open-air i concerts this month?" ''Vou bet sin- realises it," said the , small hoy, grinning. ''That's why she's, ! keeping her engagement to JO9 Johnson ft ftorei"