ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 166, 7 August 1909, Page 3

ALLEGED HUMOR.

in one of the old English towns which has recently been the scene of a pageant, a party of Americans was being conducted over the ancient abbey. The ages of this part and that wvrc pointed out by a learned attendant, and al length: "That urch," says he, "may possibly go back to William the Conqueror." "Don't you like it?" said a guest, promptly. The attendant explained that lie did :iot understand.

"Don't it suit you? Why are you lending,it back, anyway?"

Boh Fcotlite (actor): "Failure? 1 should think it was. The whole play was ruined." She: "Gracious! How was that?"

Hob Footlite: "Why, at the end of ihc mst act a steam-pipe burst and hissed lie oil' the stage."

A little chap was ottered a chance to »pcnd a week in the country, but" re fused.

Coaxing, pleading, arguing, promisinj >i untold wonder», alike brought Iron .lim nothing but the stubborn ulti uiituni, "Xo country for me!" "But win' not?" someone asked, fin ally. •'Because," lie responded, "they hav. lireshing machines down there, an' it'.bad enougli here where it's done by hand."

A Scotsman and his wife were coming from Leith to London by boat. When Al the Yorkshire coast a great storm nose, and the vessel had several narrow escapes from foundering. "Oh, Sandy," moaned his wife, "I'm ua afeard o' dcein', but I dinna care to dee at sea." "Dinna think o' deein' yet," answered Sandy; "but when ye do, ye'd better be .irooned at sea than anywhere cl6c." "An' why, Sandy?" asked his wife. "Why?" exclaimed Sandy. "Because ye wouldna cost sae inuckle to bury." The usual after-dinner till had taken place, and Smithers had cooled down. After all, peace was a good thing and well worth the having, and a little move or less humble pie did not much matter He determined to try woman's weak point—dress—and remarked in a pleasant voice:

"I see dresses' are to be worn longer than usual this season." But the hard lines at the corner of jer mouth were still there.

"Well," she observed, bitterly, "if they are to be worn longer than I am compelled to wear mine, they will have to be made of sheet-iron—that's all!" And then they started all over again.

"Mr. Mills," said the spokesman of the working men's committee, "we have come to tell you, sir, that we want shorter hours and "

"Very well," interrupted the bus\ manufacturer; "we'll begin right off with shorter dinner-hours,"

Wife: "Am 1, then, never to have m\ own way?" Husband: "Certainly, my dovey. When we are both agreed you can have youi way, and when we differ I'll have mine.' # * «

Visitor: "You haven't got half as nice (•■! -cuetery here as we have in Elmville."

I'l'Oiniucnt Citizen (of Hawville): "Xo; I've always heard that '.he cemetery is the only part of your town that holds out any inducements for perma nent residents,"

m m a A stockbroker whose mind was always full of business was asked how oW! his father was. "Well," said he, abstractedly, "he's quoted at 80, but there is every pros pect that he will reach par and possibly he at a premium." » » * "I tell you it's an outrage," screamed the married suffragette.' "The man who keeps that publichouse across the street can vote, and I can't." "That's so," replied her husband. "But he shuts up at eleven o'clock, and you never do." '

In a Shellield school the children were asked to come prepared with the mean ing of the word "bachelor" for the next lesson.

This was one little girl's confident definition; "A bachelor is a very man."

The teacher wanted to know more How did the child know that! "Father told me «o!"

Jim: "Honesty is the best policy after all." Tim: "How?" "Remember that dog I stole?" "Yes." "Well, I tried two hull days to sell 'im, an' no one offered more'n a bob. So I went, like an honest man, an' gu\ hita to tlr" ole lady what owned 'im, an she guv me 'all' a covering."

"You've been at the mince-pies again Billy; I can tell by your waistcoat." "i)ou'l be rude, pa; 1 don't say you'v been at. the brandy bottle again ever lime I look at your nose."

lire. Mulligan: "It's inesilf tlio speaks out me nioinil, Pat, as yez wel know."

Mr. Mulligan: "Yis, Bridget; but it% better ter think before yez speak, an thin kape silent till yez fcrgit phw'i yez wus goji' ter say."

"I understand," said Mr. Staylatc "that a Western genius is perfecting ai apparatus by means of which a person' face may be seen miles away." "Well," replied Miss Patience Gonne. "it certainly will be a boon to see sonu faces a long way off, if they can only be kept there."

•Parliamentary Candidate: "Then 1 may count upon,your vote?" British Workman: "Xawe; I'll vote tor t'other feller." Parliamentary Candidate: "But you've never seea him!" British Workman: "Xawe; but I've seen thee."

"No use talkin'," said the fanner mournfully to the conductor of the Piccadilly motor bus; "Lunnon hain't the town it used to be." "Why, what's the matter with it, guv'norK" "I've been here three days, and nobody has tried to' work the confidence trick on ine or tried to snatch my watch, an' I've got my right change back every time. I feel as if I'd had my trip for nothiu'."

"It is only right that I should tell you." she said, "thai father has lost all." "Not all!" he exclaimed. "Yes. all," she asserted. "No," he said, liruily, "not all. Yon are still left to him. I could not be so cruel as to add to his misfortunes. Tel', him—tell him from me that my generosity impels me to leave him what little lies in my power."

Landlady: ''You say the chicken soup isn't pood'; Why, I told the cook how to make it. Perhaps she didn't catch the idea,"

Boarder: "Xo; I think it was the chicken she did-a't catch."

Cuest: "Who kept up that terrific pounding on the piano last night?" Host: "It was next door." tluest: ''A great aunovanee, isn't it?" 'Host: -That it is. I'd like to play on that piano for about an hour—with a hose."

J-'irst Undergraduate: "Have yon tek-' graphed to the old man for money?" Second [.'ndergruduatc: ''Yes." "(lot an answer?"

"Yes. I telegraphed the old man. 'Where is Havt money I wrote for?' and his answer reads, 'ln my inshh 1 ocket.'"

Johnny returned from school with he xercise book all blotted.

"Dear, dear, you naughty boy!" exclaimed his mmnunn. "You've quite .spoilt your new copy hook." Johnny (equal to the occasion): "ft isn't my fault, mas I had a black boy fitting next to me in class, and he cu'l his finger, and it bled on my copy book."

A certain chemist advertised a paten! concoction labelled "Xo more colds. Xn more coughs. Certain cure, l'rie? is ]>/,d." A man who hnnght Hie mixture came hack in three days lo complain tlnif lie. had drunk it all, but he was not any iiclter.

"Drunk it all!" exclaimed the chemist. "Why, man. (lait's an >ndia ; rulibcr solution to put qn the soles o'f your |,po,tsl><

A teacher was tolling a class at school tut Sunday about the Deluge, remarklug: "And then it rained fo r fortv dnvs and fortv nights." Then a, little boy asked: "Were tile {Miners satisfied, then, miss?"